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THE PAUL SMITH ISSUE 31-05-05
Not a bad game on Wednesday night, was it? Whilst it wasn't, as much of the press has suggested, the best final ever (the best matches aren't settled on penalties, sorry), it was a wonderfully exciting match and showed what can be done when you add a bit of passion to a sorry bunch of footballers.
However, despite the excitement of the game, it's hard to feel good about a collective that contains Vladimir Smicer, Djimi Traore and most annoyingly of all, Harry Kewell being able to call themselves European champions. At least we had the decency to step aside in the last sixteen to avoid Ray Parlour, Szilard Nemeth and Doriva being able to do the same.
On the other hand, we took four points off the European Champions. That makes us the best team in Europe, doesn't it?
Let's do this.....
"His name is Leather McWhip and he needs to be stopped."
After months of speculation, Middlesbrough have finally made an official approach for Juventus midfielder Stephan "the roof, the roof, the roof is" Appiah. Everton are also believed to have an interest in the Ghanaian midfielder and David Moyes is hoping that the promise of being knocked out of the Champions League in the qualifying round is enough to convince the 24-year-old to sign for the Toffees.
According to Boro's Chief Executive Keith Lamb, "Juventus are aware of our interest but he's just one of a number of players on the manager's list." What price the inclusion of the very definition of mediocrity that is Owen Hargreaves finding his way onto that list somehow?
Meanwhile, in one of the strangest football stories this writer has heard in awhile, Real Madrid are thought to be pursuing Brazilian World Cup winner Ricardinho. The left-footed freekick specialist and former Middlesbrough bench-warmer who was kept out of the team by Jonathan Greening is set to move to the Santiago Bernabeu from his Brazilian club Santos. Some stories need no punchline.
"Momma's in the kitchen with onions."
During a week when Keith Lamb admitted, "the fans can reasonably expect two or three more players to be wearing a Middlesbrough shirt at the start of the season," it seems only fair that Boro were involved in another hastily cobbled together transfer story. But if you ask this writer, there may be some truth to this one.
During the week when the defence team in the Michael Jackson trial rests, Middlesbrough are linked with a player whose name is an anagram of "Tits Macaulay Oh Oink." Coincidence? I think not.
Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder Anataolii Tymoschuk is the player in question. His agent, Andrew Blocksage reckons that, "there are a number of clubs interested in Tymoschuk including Arsenal, Middlesbrough, Everton and Bolton." Frankly, I don't trust a man who isn't on first name terms with his clients but that didn't stop Blocksage from continuing, "Tymoschuk wants to go this summer, but Shakhtar are asking for an awful lot of money for him." Which rules out Big Sam's band of miscreants and free transfers at least.
In amongst all these promised new players, it's good to know that the current players aren't getting overlooked. Colin Cooper has this week penned a new deal that will keep him at the club until the summer of 2006 well past his 467th Birthday.
"You tower over everything, the rest are dog tits."
Stewart Downing has been withdrawn from England's tour of America after jarring his knee in training. The 20-year-old winger is the latest member of the squad to withdraw after John Terry, Frank Lampard and Gary Neville all decided they couldn't be bothered to turn up.
After a slew of bad injuries effectively ended Boro's chase for the final Champions League spot, questions should be asked of Steve McClaren's decision to enforce similarly tough training methods on Downing while on international duty. While other players like Wes Brown, Kieran Richardson and Peter Crouch were sent skipping through the daisy fields while wrapped in cotton wool and eating candyfloss, McClaren decided that it would be best if Downing's workout closely resembled the training at Middlesbrough and left the 20-year-old to run over broken glass while chased by starving gorillas with rabid dogs in their mouths.
Downing, however, was less graphic about the incident. "It happened in training in our first session," he told The FA's website, "I just went to chip the ball to Phil Neville and my studs got caught in the ground." A statement which did nothing but reinforce the widely held belief that passing to Phil Neville is always a bad idea.
"I want my Alka Seltzer."
With nothing to do this week except watch as Kieran Richardson snatched Stewart Downing's place as England's third choice left-winger away, Steve McClaren spent Friday fuming about being labelled a defensive manager.
"It baffles me when I'm accused of being over cautious. It frustrates me and annoys me because we were fourth top scorers," he raved, appearing strangely proud of managing a team who scored 19 goals less than a side with Mateja Kezman and Didier Drogba up front.
And to prove just how attack minded he is, McClaren mentioned several of his most prolific signings. "We've brought in many attacking players - Juninho, Carbone, Hasselbaink and Viduka to name just four," he boasted of a quartet with 36 goals in 125 appearances between them. Finally, McClaren concluded, "I'm neither a defensive coach nor an attacking coach." Which should fill all us Boro fans with great hope for the new season.
The Skinny
The close season is boring, isn't it? Still, at least Big Brother will fill the 52 day void until the Ashes starts.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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