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THE BRIAN LARA ISSUE 1-8-05
Fleeting obsessions with Big Brother (Science should've won), the Ashes (why is Bell in the team?) and Wimbledon (Andy Murray is 18 and gets a bit tired after two hours? Shouldn't he be at his peak of fitness?) notwithstanding, the summer has dragged.
Steven Gerrard's on-and-off love affair with Liverpool's money held our interest for fifteen minutes before Patrick Vieira's move to Juventus took us all by surprise. Shaun Wright Phillips' inevitable transfer to Chelsea finally took place, but other than that, the summer has been a case of same-old-same-old.
Despite boring their way to UEFA Cup football, Bolton still can't/won't sign anyone younger than 47, Rafa Benitez proved his dedication to English football by choosing to sign a Spanish speaking player with a damaged cruciate ligament over any number of English players and Manchester United signed a quite handy Korean player who, if he doesn't manage to get a starting berth in the midfield, should help them flog a few shirts in the Far East.
Let's do this.....
"Make me attractive, so sexy and thin."
The British summer wouldn't be complete without at least forty days of rain and lots and lots and lots of transfer speculation from sports journalists who can't get their head around tennis or cricket. Over the course of the summer, lazy scribes across Britain linked Boro with the following bunch of no-hopers, over the hill miscreants, and a few names that only exist to boost Scrabble scores:
Deep breath... Graz AK midfielder Rene Aufhauser, Austrian leg breaker Emanuel Pogatetz, curly-haired jogger Owen Hargreaves, Uruguayan striker Walter Pandiani, Barcelona's out of favour playmaker Juan Roman Riquelme, Fergie's current favourite Darren Fletcher, former Gladiator Wolf, overweight Malaria sufferer Yakubu, George Boateng's best friend Joao Moutinho, the man with the most irritating celebration in football Robbie Keane, former WWF Champion The Ultimate Warrior, Spanish centre forward Raul Tamudo, Stephan "the roof, the roof, the roof is" Appiah, Croatian centre half Igor Tudor, Lancashire's leading socialist Gary Neville, Sheffield United's Phil Jagielka, Seven Year Itch star Tom Ewell, Portuguese winger Luis Boa Morte, aging Portuguese defender Fernando Couto, rat faced tosser Craig Bellamy, Bolton's giant centre back Rahdi Jaidi, Dutch shilly shallier Andy van der Meyde, diminutive Argentinean Javier Saviola, the latest edition to the comedy show up the road Emre, Parma striker Dominico Morfeo, Greek midfielder Giorgios Karagounis, Michelangelo's David, Wolves defender Joleon Lescott, the worst player in Scotland Bobo Balde, Anatoli Tymoschuk of Shakhtar Donetsk, 257 year-old winger Luis Figo, Real Madrid's 18th choice striker Michael Owen, shoddy Birmingham defender Matthew Upson, own goal merchant Danny Higginbotham, Predator lookalike drug lover Edgar Davids, author of the supremely overrated 'Da Vinci Code' Dan Brown, Australian centre back Ljubo Milicevic, 18ft 10" Zat Knight, National Bucharest's John McKean, gormless Phil Neville, useless Jason Euell, Benfica stopper Ricardo Rocha, Butthole Surfers guitarist Paul Leary, recently relegated left back Olivier Bernard, Rangers midfielder Peter Lovenkrands, former Borussia Monchengladbach defender Craig Moore and diamond earring wearing gypsy botherer Kieron Dyer... and breathe.
"I want to pledge allegiance to the country where I live."
While those of us who call London home were busy being defiant (stand outside our offices for two minutes in silence, that'll show 'em), it was heartening to know that the rest of Britain wasn't exempt from some terrorism-related paranoia.
While members of Scotland Yard were busy gunning down anyone near a tube station who looked a bit foreign or was wearing a rucksack or a big coat, Boro's scheduled pre-season trouncing of Darlington was abandoned because of a bomb threat. The match - which was a testimonial for former Boro and Darlo defender Craig Liddle - had to be evacuated at half time after police received a tip-off that a bomb was within the stadium.
While a statement from Durham Police read, "At about 15:38, a telephone call was received from a man suggesting there was a bomb within Darlington's football stadium," the truth is that the Police were alarmed after seeing an African man at the side of the pitch who appeared to have some bulky device stuffed up his shirt. After some investigation it turned out that it was just Yakubu sitting on the subs' bench.
"Want to bury me under a mound of shopping bags."
Malcolm Christie went a whole summer without breaking his leg. It's true, I swear.
"Baby, all that caffeine causes bad dreams."
The list of players who were linked with moves to Boro might have been longer than Ron Jeremy's wang but, in what seems to be a break in Steve McClaren's transfer policy, there were a few players who were linked with moves out of The Riverside.
Stewart Downing's agent thought that Boro would be bullied into offering his client an improved contract if he constructed a move to Spurs for his client. Ian Elliott, clearly unaware that Spurs already have 67 left-wingers, tried to talk Downing into a move to White Hart Lane before everyone saw sense. Downing eventually signed a new deal at Boro and Spurs continued to rival Chelsea and Newcastle for having the most midfielders in their squad by buying Wayne Routledge and offering deals to Edgar Davids and Andy van der Meyde.
Massimo Maccarone turned down the opportunity to take his talents (falling over and sulking) to St. Mary's. Apparently, Massimo was keen on the deal until Clive Woodward admitted that the slap headed pasta guzzler would be playing at Fly Half.
Two players actually departed The Riverside this summer. Andrew Davies agreed a year-long loan deal with Derby and finally, after two seasons of not really wanting to be here, Bolo Zenden did what Christian Ziege and Geremi have done before him and leave Boro after raising his profile substantially. Like the acne-ridden German and the 187th choice Chelsea midfielder, it would be prudent of Zenden to pop into House of Fraser and pick himself up a comfy cushion. He's going to need it.
"Let's not talk percentages."
Everyone knows that pre-season friendlies mean nothing, which is just as well because Boro's pre-season form has been dire.
Apart from the abandoned game against Darlington, Boro slumped to a 3-0 defeat by Hartlepool, drew 0-0 with Real Betis and George Boateng was sent-off as Boro crumbled to a 4-0 defeat at the hands of Sporting Lisbon in the Algarve. We managed a 1-1 draw against Hearts thanks to a Yakubu penalty, but we shouldn't exactly be celebrating that meagre achievement.
Boro's solitary win came at Brunton Park as a Szilard Nemeth double gave us a 4-2 victory. With games against Athletico Madrid and Espanyol to play, I'd bank on that being our only win until the 3-0 hammering we dish out to Liverpool on the opening day.
The Skinny
Zenden out and Yakubu and Pogatetz in might not sound like a particularly good deal at first, but I think we're in pretty good shape for the new season. It was the lack of cover that cost us more than anything last season and we now have three excellent strikers at the club. In the Premiership, only Manchester United and Spurs can claim the same.
With Pogatetz in and McMahon with a whole season under his belt we've now got more defensive options than last season. Given Ehiogu and Reiziger's injury-proneness, that will be invaluable. We do look slightly bereft of options in midfield though. A first choice of Downing, Parlour, Boateng and Mendieta looks okay on paper, but a more dynamic central midfielder wouldn't go amiss. I'd anticipate McClaren having something tied up by the time the season starts. That said we'll probably end up with Phil Neville.
Will there be another signing this week? Will Boro win a pre-season game? Tune in next week for the same mix of juvenile jokes and out-of-date Boro news.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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