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THE WHITE BALL ISSUE 15-8-05
As if suffering crap weather during the summer, the existence of chavs and having the pure musical bromide that is James Blunt at the top of the music chart wasn't reason enough to hate Britain. Only this mess of a country would celebrate a bland simpleton as the winner of the summer's biggest non-sporting event. I speak, of course, of Anfernee winning Big Brother 2005. A sad state of affairs if ever there was one.
Meanwhile, the cricket's going very well. However, I suspect that the rain on Saturday may end up costing us a victory. The irony being that most people would've expected England to have to rely on the rain to salvage a draw, not for the Aussies to gain solace from a Lancastrian downpour.
Oh right, the footie. Well, United and Arsenal both gained comfortable wins while Chelsea left it late against Wigan. Meanwhile, West Ham managed to make my prediction about Blackburn doing quite well this season look pretty stupid by thrashing them 3-1. That's pretty much it for non-Boro news.
Let's do this.....
"You wanna pop a bubble but you know it's only trouble."
Since yet another week has passed without anything meaningful to write about, Boro's fifty kerchillion strikers have been causing headlines this week for a myriad of reasons. None of them very important, mind you. But you'll appreciate that I have space to fill.
First up, Boro's record signing Massimo Maccarone has pleaded with Steve McClaren for a chance to prove himself this season. The centre forward, whose lack of courage has been a source of annoyance for Boro fans told reporters, "If I am given my chance in the team, I will take it. I want to stay at Boro and play. I will fight for my place." Given the cowardice he's shown in opponents' 18-yard boxes, I'll bet Jimmy, Yakubu and Mark are trembling at the thought.
Meanwhile, Deportivo La Coruna have denied reports that they are lining up a move for Mark Viduka. Depor President Augusto Cesar Lendoiro claimed, "The striking berths at Depor are sufficiently well covered and the question of money would also be complicated." Presumably the Spaniards had been plotting a per kilogram purchase of the hefty Australian.
And finally, Joseph Job has been linked with a move to joint Premiership leaders West Ham. And I will bet anybody £1,000,000 that's the only time I can write that this season.
"I lost thirty-eight pounds and my eye turned to glass."
The Douala/Rochemback transfer saga rolls on aimlessly. It was thought that Boro's interest in Douala would've ended after the Cameroonian was fielded by Sporting Lisbon in their Champions League qualifier with Udinese and therefore became cup-tied for all European competition.
Nonetheless, Steve McClaren was unperturbed. "Being cup-tied does not affect things. There are cups in this country, for us to get knocked out of in the first round, not to mention a full Premier League season," the Boro boss only half said.
It is thought that Sporting are holding out for a figure in the region of £6million for Douala alone and Boro are yet to offer more than £4million. Sporting Director of, erm, Sporting, Raul Meireles said, "Middlesbrough made a proposal, but they did not reach the price we wanted so we refused their offer. Also we rejected an offer from Newcastle."
Steve Gibson said in his match day programme notes that, "We have until the end of August and I am sure there will be a lot of movement in the transfer market as that deadline nears." With that in mind, expect Boro to renew their interest in Quinton Fortune sometime next week.
"Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist."
After his agent, the deplorable Ian Elliot, spent the summer trying to take Steve Gibson for every last penny, Stewart Downing has finally put pen to paper on a new contract at Boro. It will keep him at the club - bar a trip aboard Roman Abramovich's yacht next summer, one assumes - until 2010.
However, Downing obviously didn't impress Sven with the 3:24 minutes he was given during England's meaningless friendly with Spain last November because he has been dropped from the senior England squad. Still, why pick a quick, left-footed winger with the desire and ability to take players on when you've got Phil Neville and Owen Hargreaves in the squad?
"The jingle of a dog's collar would be good right here."
Ugo Ehiogu was sent off as Middlesbrough held Liverpool to a goalless draw at La Riv. Bad news for Ugo, but the last time he was sent off on the opening day marked the debut of ITV's lamentable 'The Premiership' and, worse still, Andy Townsend's Tactics Truck. It's safe to say, things could be a lot, lot worse.
Lank-haired turncoat Bolo Zenden was booed nearly as heavily by the crowd as Makosi was on Friday night but he managed to have the first shot of the game after three minutes. Both teams were playing neat possession football during the first half but neither could really penetrate.
In fact, it wasn't until the 22nd minute when the next chance arrived. Steven Gerrard latched onto a knock down from Fernando Morientes but blazed over, probably because he loves Liverpool so much or something.
Debutante Jose Reina had a lucky escape on 38 minutes when he made a mess of a Stewart Downing corner. Fortunately for the Spaniard, Ehiogu's shot was deflected over the bar. Yakubu and the returning Gaizka Mendieta fashioned an opening just before the break but George Boateng blazed over.
Liverpool were the more impressive team immediately after the break and Luis Garcia and Gerrard sent shots wide in the early stages. Boro's only chance fell to Mark Viduka as the giant Australian found himself unmarked from a Downing corner on 73 minutes, but his header only managed to find Reina.
With Boro down to ten men, Liverpool utterly dominated but were unable to score. Gerrard headed the ball over the bar from a Jamie Carragher pass and then again when some long haired deadbeat crossed the ball to him. Finally, the boy who just loves Liverpool so much fired a header across the front of Schwarzer's goal, right at the death.
The Skinny
Granted, it wasn't a particularly inspiring performance, but I'm pleased with a draw at home to the European Champions. On the plus side, after a clumsy couple of touches early on, Ehiogu impressed, as did Mendieta who will be vital this season. Boateng, as usual, was immense.
On the less positive side of things, Yakubu and Jimmy looked completely alien to one another and while Viduka and JFH struck up a telepathy immediately last season, it looks like it might take our new partnership a while to gel. Given Yakubu's inability to score away from home for Portsmouth, I'd be surprised if McClaren doesn't start with Jimmy and Mark next week at Spurs.
Meanwhile, if rumours are true that Manchester City are hopeful of signing Stelios Giannanananakopoulos from Bolton for around £1million, we should get in there. He's an excellent player and that's crazy value for a player of his quality. Messrs McClaren, Gibson and Lamb should get on the phone to Phil Gartside immediately.
Join me next week for more of the same. Assuming I can be woken from an England friendly induced coma, that is.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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