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THE UNIVERSITY ISSUE 22-8-05
I don't agree with Eriksson's stewardship of England, so as a protest and also because Lost was on the other side, I didn't watch Denmark's humiliation of England. Eriksson's England deserved a thrashing against Holland and Spain, so it didn't really surprise me.
The cosy mutual admiration society that Eriksson and Beckham have created has done nothing but create complacency amongst England's senior players and don't be surprised if David James is in the squad for the Wales game.
Given the complete ineptitude of the performance (Rooney aside, from what I gather), it was surprising that the players even spoke to the press afterwards rather than offer a pre-emptive media ban in protest at the criticism that would inevitably follow. Fucking cowards.
Thank God for our cricketers, eh?
Let's do this.....
"Little white monkey staring at the sand."
Scouse sub Boudewijn Zenden has launched a seething attack on Keith Lamb following the boring 0-0 draw between Liverpool and Boro in which Zenden's every touch was booed by the Boro fans.
"It's down to Keith Lamb trying to save his own face by blaming everything on me," Zenden fumed. "I had enjoyed it at the club and I did not see anything that should have stood in my way to stay." Apart from his greed and the opportunity to warm the bench during another fluky European Cup run, one assumes.
Zenden admitted that Rafa Benitez, like the kind of silk-tongued Spaniard who lurks outside nightclubs looking for drunk English girls in Magaluf, was ready to pounce once negotiations with Boro stalled. "Liverpool came in but that was only at the end when things were obviously not going to work out with Keith Lamb," Zenden claimed.
As any suburban nightclub denizen will know, there are few things more frustrating than plying a girl with enough Bacardi Breezers to subdue a small horse only for her to leave with a shiny shirted Mediterranean-looking man, so it came as no surprise that Keith Lamb fired back. "Bolo was earning £1.5million a year and I offered him a three-year deal at £1.8million a year," the Boro Chief Executive seethed. "If Bolo has to make these comments to try to ease his conscience with the fans, then that's up to him." At which point this columnist wisely slams the door on this story before the screams of, "You shut up", "No, you shut up," break out.
"I put the ovaries in my mouth."
After tracking him for a month, Rodolph Douala has thumbed his nose at the idea of playing for Middlesbrough this season. Boro and Sporting Lisbon finally agreed a fee of around £4 million, but Douala told a Portuguese daily that, "I do not want, at this moment, to play for Boro."
However, mysterious sources - presumably not the kind that ended up on my special mix kebab last night - insist that a deal might still be pushed through as Sporting are pursuing Newcastle flop Hugo Viana and Brazilian winger Wender as replacements for the fleet-footed wide man. However, it appears at the moment that Douala will take no small amount of convincing to join Boro.
But who needs Rodolph Douala when you've got the midfield dynamism of Doriva and Ray Parlour, eh? Oh.
"Don't let your eyes pop out."
After the turmoil that surrounded the renewal of Stewart Downing and Mark Schwarzer's contracts, George Boateng has turned down Middlesbrough's first offer of a new deal. The Dutch international has just one year left on his current contract and is eager to sign for a further four years. However, the combative midfielder admitted this week that initial negotiations have not gone well.
"The club have spoken to my advisers and they've offered a contract that in my opinion is well away," Boateng said as his starving children tugged at his tattered trouser leg and asked for a second portion of cabbage soup.
Meanwhile, Joseph-Desire Job's discussions with West Ham United have fallen through. Job's agent Barry Silkman said, "The talks broke down over length of contract." Job is rumoured to have balked at West Ham's insistence on a clause that ensured the Cameroonian ran for ninety-minutes each week.
"And all my fingers ran off, and I just couldn't follow them."
There was good news for Roma fans this week after it was revealed that Middlesbrough have opened talks with Portuguese King Neptune lookalike Abel Xavier.
Xavier's agent Barry Silkman (Joseph Job and Abel Xavier on his books! The poor sod) admitted, "We are holding contract talks with Middlesbrough at the moment." Silkman, however, was adamant that Xavier was not on trial at Boro. "To suggest he is on trial is nonsense. He does not need to go on trial," Silkman boldly declared. This might suggest that Xavier has a rather arrogant attitude, but on the other hand, if he doesn't train, he won't break his leg on the ever-hazardous Rockcliffe Park training pitch.
The rumoured transfer of Xavier has come about because while only two weeks into the season, Boro are already suffering a defensive crisis. Ugo Ehiogu's suspension has exasperated an injury list that includes Stuart Parnaby and Tony McMahon. McMahon dislocated his shoulder during a routine bare-knuckle fight contest in training this week.
The only silver lining in the cloud forming over La Riv is that Austrian leg-breaker Emanuel Pogatetz is free to make his debut for Boro after having his twenty-four-match ban reduced to just eight games. Pogatetz has already missed eight games for Spartak Moscow so can play for Boro whenever McClaren realises that Michael Reiziger is a bit shit. However, having watched Pogatetz struggle with Kenny Miller on Wednesday night, Abel Xavier might be the lesser of two evils.
"At the hop, it's greaseball heaven."
Two errors from Mark Schwarzer gifted Tottenham a 2-0 victory over Boro at White Hart Lane on Saturday.
With neither team's midfield able to impose themselves, the first half was an even, and slightly scruffy, affair. Spurs had most of the possession in the opening period, but a miscued Mido shot was the best the home side could muster.
Boro's first opening came as Yakubu collected the ball on the halfway line and burst away from Michael Dawson. Unfortunately for the Nigerian, Paul Stalteri was able to deflect his shot away for a corner. Downing swung in the resulting set piece and Jimmy Hasselbaink should have done better with his far post header.
Minutes after Michael Carrick had lashed the ball over the bar, Yakubu had another chance. A clever flick from Hasselbaink sent the Nigerian clear, but a terrible first touch cost him a shooting opportunity.
After struggling for any incision in the first half, McClaren made two changes at half time. Rider on the storm Jim Morrison and Mark Viduka replaced Yakubu and Gaizka Mendieta.
It became clear immediately that Viduka is finally back to full fitness. His first touch was a knock down that sent Hasselbaink one-on-one with Robinson. The Dutchman should've scored. However, with Boro beginning to over commit, Spurs managed to take the lead. Jermaine Defoe collected the ball just inside the Boro half and ran twenty yards before firing a shot, which Schwarzer allowed to fly past him. Yes, it was a hard shot, but a bit of effort please, Mark.
Minutes later, Stewart Downing forced an excellent save from Paul Robinson from a 25-yard free kick but Viduka remained Boro's biggest threat. The giant Aussie played a ball through to Boateng, but the penniless Dutchman could only lift the ball over the bar. Probably frustrated by the uselessness of his teammates, Viduka then fired a powerful shot in from 25 yards. He then threaded a ball through to Stewart Downing who had the simplest task of placing the ball past Robinson but he blazed over.
Sensing that his team could easily glean a point from the game, McClaren sent on notorious match winner Doriva and, with the removal of Matthew Bates, switched to a back three. Unsurprisingly, it didn't pay off. Fifteen minutes from time, Mido curled a shot at Schwarzer (estimated speed = 11mph) and the Australian made like Adam Gilchrist in the third test and allowed the ball to roll under him.
The Skinny
Given his last minute penalty save last season, I think Schwarzer is allowed one fuck-up. Two is pushing it though, and he easily could've got to Defoe's shot. You're on thin ice, Mark. However, this column blames Steve McClaren for the defeat, not Schwarzer.
I'm the first to admit that our carrot-topped Manager gets a lot of unfair flak. He can't, for example, be solely responsible for the failure to strengthen the midfield nor for the never-ending injuries that we suffer. He is, however, entirely responsible for selecting the team. He failed to get it right. Again.
When Viduka and Hasselbaink played last season, we were a wonderful attacking force. It's a rarity that you get a strike force that gel immediately. We have that. It was only because Viduka, and then Hasselbaink, became injured (along with Boateng, granted) that we began to stutter last season. Yakubu looks lively enough, and I know we've just spent a lot of scratch on him, but McClaren must start with a tried and tested front line against Birmingham. With that in mind, expect to see the names Maccarone and Job on Tuesday's team sheet.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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