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THE PREGO ISSUE 3-10-05
Ehhhffhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sorry, that's the result of my jaw hitting the keyboard after Chelsea and Liverpool managed to cultivate five goals between them. In the end, Chelsea won. Quelle surprise.
There were also five goals at Craven Cottage, The Valley and, of course, Villa Park this weekend. One could argue that the Premiership has finally regained some of its lustre after a pretty dull start, but the Owen-less Mags and the Deckchairs (who remain the worst Premiership team I've ever seen, 2-0 defeat notwithstanding) managed to stuff it up for everyone by only managing one goal between the two of them. Useless bastards.
Let's do this.....
"What kind of animal needs to smoke a cigarette?"
In a predictable attempt to try and appease the restless droves of customers who paid good money to watch an utter shitshow, Steve McClaren admitted to understanding the frustration Boro fans were feeling following their team's 2-0 loss to Sunderland.
"I can understand that frustration," McClaren told www.mfc.co.uk without offering any explanation for Franck Queudrue's appearance as a left-winger or Ugo Ehiogu's inability to stay fit for more than fifteen minutes. "Two weeks ago after beating Arsenal we were heroes, but that's football, one week you're the best manager in the Premier League and the next you're the worst. I certainly don't believe that but I can understand the reaction." McClaren said, simultaneously admitting to not being the best manager in the league and agreeing with anyone who feels that he's the worst.
"We've got a bit of inconsistency at the moment and we've got to find the right blend and balance. The answers are in that dressing room and only we can get out of this," McClaren concluded as he retired to his office to muse over a chalkboard diagram with Abel Xavier in goal, Danny Graham at centre-half and Ray Parlour as a lone striker.
"Andre was a young black Santa Claus."
Despite the loss to Sunderland, Steve Gibson took some time this week to publicly announce his belief that Steve McClaren is the right man for the job. The phrase 'vote of confidence' is seldom seen without the prefix 'dreaded' but where Softy Gibson is concerned McClaren has at least another three years left.
Gibson told the Evening Gazette, "There are good reasons why Steve was taken on by Sir Alex Ferguson, by Jim Smith and as Sven Goran Eriksson's number two with England. It's because of his eye for detail, his experience at the highest level and also his ability as a manager." And because his ginger hair made them all feel better about their receding hairlines, he could have added.
Gibson also spoke about McClaren's new contract. "I have shaken hands with Steve over the details of his contract. We are still dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's but there is nothing sinister about the fact that it is not yet completed." Despite this admission, rumours that Steve McClaren's middle name is Tit are yet to be proven.
Finally, Gibson waxed lyrical about Boro's recent signings, "Pogatetz is a 100 percenter, Yakubu has scored a couple of goals already and will get better and Rochemback is a fantastic player who will do well for us when we get him settled down and doing what he does best." Still, as winter draws near, that's good news for ball boys who will be desperate to fetch the Brazilian's bumbling freekicks in an effort to keep warm.
"Ain't ya heard the news? Adam and Eve were Jews."
Boro bored their way into the group stage of the UEFA Cup after holding Xanthi to a 0-0 draw on Thursday Evening. The game, which was shown on Sky One, could easily have been given the suffix of the When The World's Worst Football Matches Go Wrong.
With Mark Schwarzer still nursing a shoulder injury, Brad Jones kept his place in goal and Luciano warmed the palms of the Australian with the first shot of the game. Emerson provided one of the rare moments of skill with a run and cross but Levan Maghradze harmlessly shinned the ball.
Massimo Maccarone should have opened the scoring in the twenty-eighth minute after good work from Jimmy Hasselbaink. The Italian, showing all the composure of a spastic in flip-flops, blazed his shot wide of the target. Before half time, Maccarone had a goal ruled out for offside. Jim Morrison's shot was spilled by Petr Pizanowski and the Richard O'Brien lookalike tapped the ball into the empty net. The referee's assistant deemed the Italian to have been in an offside position when Morrison shot, giving Boro the Roadhouse Blues.
The second half was incredibly dull and only the introduction of Szilard Nemeth (yes, really) sparked a sudden burst of enterprise. The Slovakian fired an ambitious shot in the 80th minute, which Pizanowski saved. Two minutes later, Nemeth cleared off his own goal line after Emerson headed dangerously from a Luciano freekick. It may not have been thrilling but the 0-0 scoreline saw Boro advance to the UEFA Cup group stages for the second time in two seasons.
It was revealed after the match that Steve McClaren was forced to watch most of the game from the stands after he was banned from the bench because of an administrative blunder. After being denied the opportunity to enter Chinawhites on Saturday night for much the same reason, I can sympathise. "I didn't see a problem," McClaren said afterwards, "Apparently my name wasn't on the sheet." Rumours that the words 'Tony' and 'Mowbray' had been added by a hopeful member of the Boro staff remain unconfirmed.
"Shot of Dixie Hemlock will take care of the pain."
A Yakubu double against Villa was enough for Boro to secure their first win on a Sunday following a European game. McClaren again lined his team up in a 4-5-1 formation, which meant there was only room for Franck Queudrue, Jimmy Hasselbaink and Massimo Maccarone on the bench.
The first half was an open affair, which Boro just edged as Villa struggled to breach Boro's defensive formation. The first meaningful chance of the game fell to makeshift left winger Szilard Nemeth but the Slovakian's right foot effort was easily gathered by Thomas Sorensen. Minutes later, Juan Pablo Angel latched onto a Wilfred Bouma cross but could only flick the ball into the arms of Brad Jones.
Boro took the lead just after the half hour. Bouma headed Emanuel Pogatetz's cross back across his own goal and Yakubu lashed the ball past Sorensen. For the most part, Villa were being kept at bay but James Milner was giving Pogatetz a torrid time. After fourty minutes, Angel headed over from just six yards from a cross from the former Leeds man. Well, boy.
Before the half was out, Yakubu, back to his lumbering best in a lone striking role, lobbed the ball to Fabio Rochemback and only a sprawling save from Sorensen denied the Brazilian his first goal for Boro.
Where Boro had been energetic and enterprising in the first half, they were languid and lackadaisical in the early stages of the second and they conceded after fifty minutes. Steven Davis broke down the right hand side and crossed for Patrick Berger. The Czech's shot was charged down but the ball fell to Luke Moore who grabbed his second goal in two games. For ten minutes after the goal, Boro were on the back foot. After some decent possession, Berger fired a left foot drive against the post from twenty-five yards.
After twenty minutes of barely getting out of their own half, Boro finally managed to alleviate some pressure and Gaizka Mendieta won a free kick just twenty yards out. Though the free kick was charged down, Boro used the set piece to impose themselves on the game. Boro regained the lead after sixty-four minutes as Villa failed to clear a Rochemback corner and George Boateng managed to lash the ball home with his left foot.
Shortly after, Steve McClaren attempted to shut up shop with the introduction of Stuart Parnaby and Franck Queudrue. However, in a move that no doubt displeased their conservative manager, Boro became even more attacking with the introduction of the two full backs and they grabbed a third goal after eighty-eight minutes. Rochemback dispossessed Gareth Barry before running forty yards and playing the ball to Boateng. Jlloyd Samuel hacked the Dutch midfielder down and Mike Dean awarded Boro a penalty. The only surprise was that Rochemback, who had monopolised Boro's set pieces all afternoon, made no attempt to grab the ball. Yakubu sent Sorensen the wrong way and made it 3-1 Boro.
Villa grabbed a consolation goal with the last kick of the game - a powerful strike from Steven Davis - but the final whistle went with Boro deserved 3-2 winners.
The Skinny
I go on holiday for a bit and not only are the masses calling for the ginger bonce of Steve McClaren but they want to replace him with a bloke who could only manage to inspire his team to a 5-1 midweek trouncing at the hands of some Ukrainian strugglers nobody has heard of. Hopefully progression in Europe and the win against Villa will get the displeased fans behind McClaren and the team.
With only the draw for the UEFA Cup group stages to bring any excitement to Boro fans in the next seven days - before you ask, I consider England qualifying matches to be the very antithesis of excitement - you can join me next Monday for a shorter-than-usual attempt at fulfilling my contractual obligations.
And with that....
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