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THE IAN SOMERHALDER ISSUE 10-10-05
Note to David Beckham: the Austrian might have fallen down a bit easily, but if you'd paid attention and tracked his run earlier, you'd have got to the ball first.
Only a fool would've predicted anything other than a 1-0 England win, so let's not be surprised that Sven's team did only the minimum required and then relied on Holland to help us qualify.
That said, it was interesting to note that Michael Owen doesn't even need to dive to win penalties now. Just dropping to his knees with his arms outstretched will suffice. With the Poland game now essentially a friendly, look for England to get complacent and lose 2-0.
Let's do this.....
"Five miles in the walk you already want to do them in."
Candles were lit, a virgin was sacrificed and a pig was exsanguinated during the Gnostic ceremony in Nyon that determined the groups for the next round of the UEFA Cup.
Boro were drawn against AZ Alkmaar, Dnipro, Grasshoppers and Litex Lovech.
Fifteen hours after the last dove had been released, the fixtures were announced: Boro face a trip to Zurich to play Grasshoppers on 20th October, Ukrainian relegation candidates Dnipro visit the Riv on 3rd November before Boro face a tough-looking away trip to Eredivisie league leaders AZ Alkmaar on 24th November.
Finally, Boro will be beating Bulgarian mid-table outfit Litex Lovech on 15th December. Meanwhile, Bolton will be hoping their clogging brand of punt and hope will bring them success against Besiktas, Sevilla, Zenit St. Petersburg and Vitoria.
The top three from each group go through to the knockout stages, so it'll take a disaster of Ricketts-sized proportions for Boro not to advance.
"I fell in love with a girl of nineteen."
Within hours of the draw, Alkmaar players were queuing up to talk about how much they were looking forward to the game. Veteran midfielder Barry van Galen admitted his excitement at the prospect.
"The atmosphere, the fans - I'd love to see that one." Now steady on, Barry, I know we don't fill the Riverside very often, but we'll get more than one fan at the Alkmaader Hout.
Defender Kew Jaliens, meanwhile, admitted that he was looking forward to locking horns with George Boateng again. The two have met before in 1996 when Jaliens played for Sparta and Boateng was running the Feyenoord midfield.
"I like it, to play against George Boateng, I knew him for years from Rotterdam and we are meeting each other as if he is in the Netherlands," said Jaliens who had foolishly turned down the offer of a translator.
"I am happy with Middlesbrough," the 27-year-old continued, "It is a very good team. However, I think English football suits us, as it is not so defensive." This will be news to Steve McClaren, who was spotted on Wednesday afternoon scribbling a 7-2-1 formation down onto folded-up pieces of paper.
"I kept my ticket as a souvenir."
It was confirmed this week that Tony Mowbray wants to be the Manager of Middlesbrough by the end of the season.
We know this because Mowbray confirmed his intention to harm Boro's UEFA Cup chances and therefore speed up the delivery of Steve McClaren's P45 by offering his advice on how to beat FC Dnipro.
Mowbray, who spent ten years on Teesside from 1981 to 1991, is ready to offer Boro a dossier on the Ukrainian strugglers Dnipro. Given that Dnipro crushed Hibs 5-1 in the last round, it's a dossier that will require no end of sexing up if Boro are to get any use out of it.
"I'm more than happy to pass on information to Middlesbrough and I'll see what it is they want to take." Mowbray sniggered as he flicked through an Estate Agent's brochure of houses in Middlesbrough.
"I'm sure they will be very, very thorough in their preparations and will probably compile more than enough of their own information. But we can pass on tapes of our games against Dnipro and that might help" Mowbray concluded.
I'm not sure how useful it will be, but some of Hibs' defending should give McClaren a laugh in any case.
"She took advantage of intoxicated hands."
It's been a good week for Tony McMahon. He's just received a fourth gold star on his McDonalds name badge and now the England Under-20 international has begun his rehabilitation from a shoulder injury caused by lifting a tray of Big Macs from the grill of the North Ormesby Road McDonalds.
"For the past three weeks I have just sat at home playing on the computer because I have had to rest the shoulder," said McMahon, who if he'd wanted to sound anymore like a 14-year-old, might have added that he'd also been wanking into a grey sweat sock.
In the time McMahon has been injured, Michael Reiziger has left the club and Abel Xavier has become the club's first choice right back.
"Abel coming in has helped the squad, but when I am fully fit again it's up to me to fight for my place again. Hopefully I will do well enough to give the manager a headache."
By smashing his smug ginger bonce with a mallet, he should've added.
The Skinny
There's no doubt that we've got a pretty straightforward looking group in the UEFA Cup. Alkmaar will prove to be tough opponents, but seeing as we topped a group containing Lazio and the excellent Villarreal last season, we should be looking to achieve similar success this time round.
The visit of Portsmouth shouldn't give us too many problems but seeing as both Lomana Lua Lua and Yakubu will be there, any fans attending who are not seeking to develop malaria would be well advised to douse themselves with insect repellant.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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