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THE SHEARLING ISSUE 17-10-05
The controversy at the Chav Emporium Stadium on Saturday lunchtime got me thinking. For those of you who don't know, a referee's assistant called Andy Williams refused to say that Alan Shearer's header had crossed the line and cost the mags a draw.
Obviously, as a Boro fan, my first reaction was to laugh at the fact the barcodes had been on the receiving end of some dodgy refereeing. But it also made me think that the FA should employ more crooners as match officials.
Imagine Tony Bennett running the line at Blackburn v Birmingham next Saturday, or Paul Anka taking time out of his Rock Swings tour to hold up the electronic board at Bolton v West Brom next Sunday.
Forget lowering ticket prices or showing fewer games on telly, that's how you get the stadiums full again.
Let's do this.....
"What we eat for tea will bring down hypocrisy."
It's going to be a lean Christmas for Karen Parlour after it was revealed that her former husband Ray won't be eligible for any playing bonuses until December after he underwent knee surgery this week.
The Boro midfielder was injured while escaping from a mountain lion that Steve McClaren had left on the Rockcliffe pitch to raise morale amongst his squad.
The 32-year-old has undergone knee surgery to repair some cartilage damage. While it's bad news for the former Mrs. Parlour, who might actually have to become self-sufficient for a while, the news will be welcome to Boro fans who won't have put up with Parlour gifting possession to the opposition at every given opportunity.
Meanwhile, perpetually injured defender Ugo Ehiogu, who injured his groin against Sunderland has begun light training - bare knuckle fighting and swimming in a piranha-invested lake - with the rest of the squad.
"I've started light training and I'm easing my way back," he said while dodging an overhand right from Danny Graham.
"Everything has gone well. It's only a couple of weeks since I was injured but it's been smooth." Thanks Ugo, but I'd rather not think about how glabrous or hirsute your groin might be.
"Please forgive my violent rage."
While England were drawing rave reviews for, you know, actually passing the ball and stuff, Emanuel Pogatetz managed to get himself sent off against Northern Ireland on Wednesday night.
Birmingham's Damien Johnson clattered into Pogatetz in the second half of the ill-tempered encounter and the Austrian, clearly enraged that somebody was trying to break his monopoly on bad challenges, attempted to strangle Johnson.
Pogatetz, however, believes he acted correctly. "My way of reacting was strong but appropriate," the Boro defender told a quivering Sky Sports journalist.
"Without a shin pad, my leg would have been damaged totally. I think it is understandable to show some emotions in such a situation, my leg is black and blue all over now."
Meanwhile, Northern Ireland boss Lawrie Sanchez, desperate to draw everyone's attention away from the fact that his team has been played off the park for ninety minutes, chipped in with the following.
"Perhaps the challenge was a bit rash but if Pogatetz hadn't made such a fuss the referee would probably have only booked Damien. He is a small man of Ireland, while the other guy is a tall man of Austria."
Sanchez is 6ft 1", so if you're 5ft 8" or below and live in Belfast, feel free to go and punch him in the face.
"We're not safe in here despite the coffee."
According to a poll conducted by www.kkk.com, sorry www.mfc.co.uk, George Boateng has been voted Middlesbrough's greatest ever black player.
Boateng won the racially divisive award with a huge 60.1% of the vote. Emerson was second with 10.4% and Paul Ince was third with 10.1%.
Lindy Delapenha, Curtis Fleming, Hamilton Ricard and Yakubu also featured high on the list, which, pinko liberal verbiage aside, probably means that the list shouldn't be taken that seriously.
Meanwhile, Christian Karembeu, who unsurprisingly didn't feature on the list, has announced his retirement from football this week.
"I've decided it's time to stop, although I'll be having a kick-about from time to time," he told RMC Radio, clearly not realising that most Sunday League teams don't pay their players £40,000 per week to loll around in the midfield.
The midfielder, who does currently lead the voting in the poll to be crowned the owner (before you email me ladies, that's a joke) of the hottest wife of any Boro player stayed on Teesside for just one season after Steve McClaren decided that Jonathon Greening would make a better midfielder than a World Cup winner who had been signed from Real Madrid and who had 53 caps for France.
"I've no regrets, it's a decision I've thought long and hard about. I just want to try something else." And, as one of the many Boro fans who watched Karembeu droop around the midfield with nary a care in the world besides how much money he was bringing home, I can't help but think that just trying would be a start.
"Everything is boring even drinking wine is boring."
A fifth goal of the season for Yakubu earned Middlesbrough a point in their 1-1 draw with Portsmouth on Saturday evening.
Boro lined-up in a not-so-fan-friendly 4-5-1 formation with Stuart Parnaby returning at right back, Emanuel Pogatetz somehow keeping his place at left back, while Franck Queudrue was barged into midfield.
With Boro content to rely on Yakubu to scare up an opportunity, the first half was a tepid affair with the home side showing only marginally more enterprise than the visitors.
Chances were scarce but Yakubu failed to make the most of a George Boateng cross and the rejuvenated Massimo Maccarone missed with an overhead kick after Portsmouth failed to deal with a Fabio Rochemback corner.
Portsmouth managed to create a few chances late on and had Dario Silva shown as much interest in getting to the ball as he does in his ludicrous corn row hair-do, he'd have met Andy Griffin's low cross and opened his account for Portsmouth.
He didn't and the half ended with a stalemate.
The second period was immediately more entertaining as Portsmouth stunned the home crowd with a well-worked goal from Gary O'Neil with little over a minute of the half played.
Substitute Svetoslav Todorov escaped the attention of the lacklustre Pogatetz and his cross found Zvonimir Vukic, whose mis-hit shot fell to O'Neil and he made no mistake with his right foot effort.
Portsmouth's lead lasted just eight minutes though, and it was former Pompey striker, Yakubu, who brought the home side level. Rochemback's corner found an unmarked Yakubu and the Nigerian headed in with ease to make the game 1-1.
Immediately after the goal, Steve McClaren brought on Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Mark Viduka and switched Boro to 4-3-3, their sixth formation of the day.
Hasselbaink set up Gaizka Mendieta but the Spaniard, having spent too much training with Rochemback, shot high and wide.
Mark Viduka forced a save from Jamie Ashdown after a neat turn and shot and Yakubu should've given Boro the lead but missed after latching onto a sumptuous pass from the impressive Mendieta.
George Boateng could've wrapped all three points up for Boro after a clever run and shot, but Ashdown made an excellent save to maintain parity.
The Skinny
Massimo Maccarone receives a standing ovation at The Riverside? What the fuck? He might not be an ideal right-winger, but at least he's come back from Italy with the stomach for a fight. It's good to know the fans have acknowledged his new aggressive attitude.
However, good performances from Maccarone, Mendieta and Yakubu aside, Saturday's game wasn't without criticism. Why McClaren is intent on playing Queudrue in midfield when he's clearly the best left back at the club is beyond me?
In fact, with the possible exceptions of Asier Del Horno and Gabriel Heinze, he's also the best left back in the country. PLAY HIM IN POSITION.
Meanwhile, mark a place on the bench for Pogatetz. Surely he's been bought as cover, nothing more? Although, perhaps McClaren do could the rest of the Premiership a favour and give Pogatetz a man-marking job against Frank Lampard when we head to Stamford Bridge on 3rd December.
Grasshoppers on Thursday and West Ham next Sunday. Two wins should help get the fans back on side.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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