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THE ** ***** ***** ** * ******* ***** ISSUE 12-12-05
The characters and events depicted in the following column are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
Let's do this.....
"The ruler's back."
Perhaps tired of watching other managers overtake him in the race to sign Roy Keane, Steve McClaren took some time to tell a group of assembled and, most likely, short straw-drawing journalists about Boro's form in cup competitions this season.
"You have seen banana skins before away to non-league sides, but I know Nuneaton well," McClaren told Sky Sports News before entering a forty-minute diatribe about the roundabout at the end of the A444.
"We [Derby] got Malcolm Christie from there and Steve Round the Assistant Manager at our place used to play there and be on the staff." Given the brittle nature of Christie's bones, it's safe to say they don't get much calcium in their water in Nuneaton. Emanuel Pogatetz should have a field day.
"Histon I don't know so much about but we'll wait for the replay and see who we get," McClaren said, perhaps providing evidence of the invaluable footballing knowledge that had seen him sign a new four year contract one week earlier.
Not content with blathering on to his allegedly uninterested audience, McClaren continued, "I think winning the Carling Cup showed the importance of winning a trophy and it's our best avenue to winning something so we've taken it seriously, especially this season," he continued, desperate to remove thoughts of last season's fourth round exit at the hands of the player deemed to not be as good as Peter Crouch, Neil Mellor, from our collective memories.
Finally, McClaren assessed the League Cup draw of Blackburn as, "not an easy draw, but it is best you get at home in the quarter finals and we look forward to that and the FA Cup." And on that poorly-worded bombshell, it's time for a lie down.
"Knocked down an old man and swore he killed him then he made his move to an abandoned building."
John Turturro (as The Jesus in The Big Lebowski, natch) lookalike, Fabio Rochemback, has urged his pay masters to resurrect a deal to sign his former team mate, fleet of foot Sporting Lisbon winger, Rodolph Douala.
Boro tried to sign the Cameroonian in the summer but their offer was twice rejected and McClaren signed Rochemback instead, even though a club with Doriva and Ray Parlour is already swimming in allegedly inferior central midfielders.
"I speak to him and know he wants to play in England and would like to come to this club," Rochemback said of the player whose agent said just three months ago, "I can assure you that the player is not interested in a move to Middlesbrough."
"Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier."
Middlesbrough hero and general cracker of knees, George Boateng has insisted that he wants to stay at The Riverside. The Dutchman's current contract expires in the summer and he has so far yet to sign an extension, but Boateng has dismissed rumours of a move away.
"I would like to stay," he assured fans with all the conviction of Boudewijn Zenden. "Everybody knows I can talk to other clubs in January," he mwahaha-ed, "but we are still five weeks away. It's not about me playing for any other club. At the moment I'm here and happy and this is the club where I would like to be."
The 30-year-old, who recently worked his way back into the Dutch national squad, also expressed a desire to see out his career on Teesside. "I haven't changed my mind on that. I've said I would love to stay so hopefully, sooner rather than later, something can be sorted."
"We are still in talks. People say 'why does it take so long?' but there is no rush for me or the club, because they know I want to stay and I know they want to keep me. It's a matter of time really. People knew from the end of last year that I was going into my last season, but as you will have noticed, it hasn't changed my style of play or my hunger for this club." Or anyone asking you to sign the contract sooner, one could add.
"I went to the store to buy a slice of pizza and bumped into a girl, her name was Mona Lisa."
Emanuel Pogatetz, whose reckless tackles seem to be matched only by the recklessness of his statements to the press, is confident that Boro can finally put their inconsistency behind them and start climbing the Premiership table.
"It is very hard for us to win in The Premiership and then play in an important game in the UEFA Cup or Carling Cup three days later," the Austrian sobbed to Sky Sports News. "We play those games and then we have a third game of the week as well. Mentally, it is very hard to play three games in a week and maybe that's why we end up drawing at home or not getting the victory we need," he continued, as legions of nine-to-fivers counted their lucky blessings that they're not forced to play 270 minutes of football a week and get paid seven grand a week for the privilege.
"We have had no game in the week and had a bit of a rest so I think we can do very well against Liverpool. It is hard but there is no reason why we cannot put a run together in The Premiership," he concluded before breaking down and missing the trip to Anfield altogether.
"She says, 'I love you, Harold' and your name is Will."
A late brace from Fernando Morientes gave Liverpool a 2-0 win against Boro at Anfield on Saturday lunchtime.
Liverpool began the game with strong attacking intent and Steven Gerrard fired three speculative efforts at Mark Schwarzer's goal in the first five minutes. The hosts couldn't maintain any kind of dominance though, and the game quickly became scrappy. Fernando Morientes' looping header was the only other chance in the first twenty minutes.
With the excellent Chris Riggott, Gareth Southgate and probable future Boro captain, Matthew Bates nullifying the threat of Peter Crouch, chances were scarce for either side in the opening period. In fact, Boro's only chance came from a twenty-five yard Gareth Southgate volley. Yes, it was that bad. Southgate's volley was enough to rouse Liverpool who created good chances for Mohamed Sissoko and Crouch to take the lead.
Despite unfair strain being placed on his defensive quartet, Steve McClaren decided to leave the team unchanged and to be fair, Boro nearly took the lead with just two minutes gone in the second half. George Boateng played the ball to Fabio Rochemback and the Brazilian, making what was allegedly his only decent contribution of the afternoon, played a pin point, first touch pass to Mark Viduka. The Australian sent Jose Reina the wrong way, but the ball hit the Spaniard's trailing leg and went out for a corner.
At the other end, John Arne Riise very nearly scored the goal of the season, beautifully connecting with a Steven Gerrard corner and Schwarzer had to get down quickly to save from Morientes after James Morrison had gifted the former Real Madrid man an opportunity.
After coping with the threat of Crouch all afternoon, the introduction of the more mobile Luis Garcia caused the otherwise imperious Bates to allow Morientes to escape his attention in the 72nd minute. The Spaniard tucked away the simplest of chances.
Boro responded well and only a smart save from Reina denied Morrison a goal after an excellent run and exchange with Viduka. Nonetheless, the result was put beyond doubt in the 77th minute when Franck Queudrue misdirected a header into the path of Morientes and the Spaniard lobbed Schwarzer with some ease.
Boro were forced to play the final minutes with ten men as the excellent Chris Riggott was shown a second yellow card for a soft challenge on Gerrard. Steve McClaren's decision to replace Yakubu with Ugo Ehiogu with four minutes left and his side trailing by two goals was the perfect synopsis of an unambitious Boro performance.
The Skinny
If you look up mediocre in the dictionary, there's a picture of the Boro team. Allegedly. Despite what some fans are suggesting, it's not quite crisis time, but our league form does need to be addressed.
Only the most optimistic Boro fans would have anticipated getting any points away against Chelsea and Liverpool, but we've now got a run of games that we must take maximum points from. I know that Boro are traditionally rubbish over the Christmas period, but Spurs, Blackburn and Man City at home are all winnable and we must garner points from our trips to The Reebok and St. James' Park. Otherwise we might need to win the UEFA Cup to qualify for Europe next season, and I'm not sure that's an ideal situation for us to be in.
And don't forget to check out the controversial ComeOnBoro.com Man of the Year awards. The final part will be online this Friday.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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