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THE MICHAEL VICK ISSUE 9-1-06
So what an enlightening Christmas period it's been. We learned that it's impossible to find a gas man (I assume that under soil heating systems are fuelled by gas and not electricity) at short notice in Bolton over the Christmas period, even if you are a football club with very deep pockets. We learned that Knighthoods are bestowed upon those who manage Manchester United to European Cup glory, but not Liverpool (hell, even Gerard Houllier got an OBE for winning the Uefa Cup). And we learned that Boro have sunk so low that I find myself cheering Blackburn goals just because it keeps us in the lofty position of 16th. Gah!
As for this weekly [ahem! - Ed] column, I've made a slight change for the new year. You'll not find entire 'chapters' devoted to match commentary any more. Given that www.comeonboro.com offers the fastest (and best) Boro match reports anywhere online, not to mention Toby Higgins' peerless analysis; it seems a little superfluous for me to do the same thing but worse and sometimes a week after the event. If, for any reason, you want them to return, email me here and I'll think about putting them back.
Let's do this.....
"Roar, roar, roar! No one understands you, she-bear."
Following Boro's 2-2 defeat at St. James' Park on Monday, Steve McClaren told the press that he was pleased with his team's performance. "We did not deserve that, cruel game football," he blubbed to Sky Sports News before proving that nobody bought him that much needed thesaurus for Christmas by adding, "The players were magnificent, their performance was magnificent."
"They have bounced back over Christmas and looked a good team today," McClaren insisted, presumably referring to Blackburn Rovers' recent resurgence and their win over Portsmouth, before offering a more honest assessment of Boro's afternoon, "I was disappointed to be a goal down at half time, but they kept going, created chances, and have got done by two set-pieces."
McClaren continued, "It is never over until it is over, I said they would have one more chance and we did not see it through," which is something that could be attributed to bad luck, but since last minute goals have already been leaked to Arsenal, Aston Villa, Charlton and Manchester United, it seems that Bill Beswick needs to introduce a 'Psychology of Defending During the Last Minute of Football Matches' Seminar to his coaching schedule.
To his credit, McClaren did lavish praise on the game's two outstanding players, Jim Morrison and Lee Cattermole, saying of the 17-year-old Premiership debutant, "he never looked out of place." Which, when you consider that the central midfield berth is usually occupied by Fabio Rochemback, is somewhat of a backhanded compliment.
McClaren ended the interview with some of his trademark misguided positively, by adding, "No one can take that performance away from us, we have had a lot of games [one fewer than 11 other teams in the league] and injuries [two fewer than Newcastle who, should you need to be reminded, sit five points above us] but the character on show today will shine through and I predict a better second half to the season." Let's pray that Mystic McClaren is better at fortune telling than he has been at football team management this season.
"Do you like my new shirt? It says 'Reggae Hairstyle Rock 'n' Roll.' Could I be more Japanese?"
It was reported this week that Celtic right-back, Didier Agathe, has turned down an offer of a trial with Middlesbrough but hasn't ruled out a move to the club. Still, if he's good enough for the Celtic bench, he must be good enough for Boro's first-team, eh? Now, who was the last right-back we signed who had previously rejected the opportunity to have a trial with Boro? Peroxide drug fiend, Abel Xavier, you say? Oh.
Leeds United are also believed to be interested in acquiring Agathe's signature, but the Frenchman is thought to be looking for a club whose last Uefa Cup outing was more recent than four years ago. "If it is necessary, I'll go elsewhere so I can play again, Agathe told The Daily Record. "I will work hard to find a club that is still in Europe," the 30-year-old continued, knowing that he's a full five years too young to play for Bolton, before concluding, "It's not my intention to complain to the press." Funny, I could've sworn..
"Okay, now all we have to do is install your satellite dish. Can you be home from 8am Monday morning through June?"
Of course, the big news story of the week was that Middlesbrough's gallahkeeper, Mark Schwarzer, has handed in a transfer request. The news caused Steve McClaren to lift the hatch on his abuse-proof bunker and admit, "We are disappointed that Mark has made this decision but respect his feelings. In the football club's best interests, we have agreed to his transfer request and will listen to any offers we receive," while 'Arry Redknapp wrung his hands furiously somewhere in Hampshire.
Meanwhile, Schwarzer's agent, Barry Silkman, lit up a cigar with a £50 note and added, "He [Schwarzer] is not happy, we talked about it last month and now he has told the club his thoughts," presumably referring to the thoughts which aren't about boomerangs, Victoria Bitter, barbecues, shrimp and Annalise from Neighbours. "I think Mark is one of the top three goalkeepers in the Premier League (Petr Cech, Carlo Cudicini, Shay Given, Paul Robinson, Jussi Jaaskaleini, Edwin van der Sar, Jens Lehmann, Mark Crossley, Brad Jones, David James, Nigel Martyn...)."
Schwarzer, meanwhile, probably didn't say, "Fair dinkum, Steve McClaren is a flamin' whacker, Boro are going down the swanny."
"Now children, if you look up at the Capitol Dome, you'll see a mural of our state bird, the Potbellied Sparrow, eating our state pasta, bow-tie."
Steve McClaren praised Nuneaton Borough after the Conference North team were made to look like Real Madrid circa-1958 by his band of overpaid show ponies.
"We came here expecting to win, despite the conditions and attitude of Nuneaton, and we did enough and had enough once we scored the first goal to finish the game off," McClaren mused somewhat incoherently, though everyone kind of knew what he meant.
Nuneaton Manager, Roger Ashby, who is perhaps mimicking his Premiership counterpart a little too closely, said, "It has just been magnificent - a magnificent and a magnificent day. It feels like we won the game to be honest and the supporters who are here will remember this for the rest of their lives."
The Skinny
Where to start?
People (well, the BBC) bring out the clichés just because Luton took the lead against Liverpool and the likes of Mendieta and Viduka can't be arsed to give their all against a pub team in swamp-like conditions but, in truth, the most heartening thing about the whole 3rd Round weekend was listening to Terry Angus giving the most coherent and articulate interview a footballer has ever given on Match of the Day. They'll take a whipping at La Riv, but, for now, the fans of Nuneaton Borough should be very proud of their team.
As for our disappointing league form, well, I've made it clear previously that I believe McClaren has the necessary skills to haul Boro up the table, but his history of January transfers doesn't suggest that the answers to our alarming slide will come from outside of the club. In Yakubu, we have a regular goal scorer, which isn't something that Everton, West Brom, Portsmouth or Birmingham can boast (unless you count Chris Sutton, which I most certainly don't) and the carrot of a World Cup squad place should be enough for Stewart Downing to resurrect his 2004 form.
Anyway, another eight-goal thriller at Highbury next week (with us coming out on the winning side this time, natch) will do nicely before our players decide to show Nuneaton why there's a 763 gap in our league positions.
And with that....
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