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THE SERIOUS DELIRIUM ISSUE 16-1-06
Christ, what a mess!
Mike Newell wants to make like Russell Crowe in The Insider and grass up the entire football industry, Arsene Wenger wants to sign a foetus for £17,000,000,000,000 when all he really needs is a burly central midfielder (though not against us, of course) and Sven Goran Eriksson admitted that he would resign from his current job if England win the World Cup. And, more shockingly, that he would be able to get David Beckham to play for Aston Villa, should he be The Villains' manager.
Personally, I find it a little disconcerting that the News of the World feel it necessary to dress up as Arabs every time they launch a 'corruption in football' story. The racists.
Let's do this.....
"Scum, freezebag! A-heh. I mean. freeze, scumbag. You can't write stuff like that. See, that's why sitcoms are dying."
Following his transfer request last week, Middlesbrough's wantaway gallahkeeper Mark Schwarzer is attracting interest from a number of clubs. What that number is, however, remains unknown.
Portsmouth are rumoured to be the Australian's most likely destination but Schwarzer's agent, Barry Silkman, confirmed a number of clubs are preparing to make their moves. "There is interest from a number of clubs," Silkman told Sky Sports, while reassuring himself that 0 is, in fact, a number. "He is almost certainly staying in England and we are hoping something can be done soon."
Meanwhile, Schwarzer himself revealed further details behind his reasoning for the transfer request. "I don't want people to think I've asked for a move as some dummy spit," said the Australian, pausing briefly to pick up a nearby child's pacifier, "or that I got upset after being told that I was being benched for the cup tie. That's not right at all. If the truth be known, I've basically been unhappy for the past four or five weeks after being what I believe to have been a good and long servant of the club."
"While it was a difficult decision, the seed was planted not long after I returned to my home in England from Sydney after the World Cup qualification game against Uruguay. I feel I'm in need of a fresh challenge. I've been at The Riverside a month short of nine years," Schwarzer continued, as a man in a dark trench coat puffed a cigarette in the shadows nearby.
However, Schwarzer has tipped Brad Jones to succeed him. "I believe the club has a readymade replacement in Brad Jones, another Aussie from Perth. Jonesy has been at the club six or seven years," he waltzing-matilda-ed. "We've formed a great relationship in that time and he's a very good keeper in his own right. I think the time is now ripe for him to prove his worth."
Finally, Schwarzer attempted to drop the rumours of a bust-up with McClaren as ably as he drops crosses by adding, "There were no heated words or a yelling match in the boss' office. I just feel that at this time in my professional life I'm in need of a change. I think I've helped make a strong contribution in my time at Boro. We've got to four cup finals, winning one and I helped take the club into Europe for the first time in its 128-year history." And then decided to jump ship when the going got a little bit tricky, he should have added but didn't.
"Is that, uh, 'get out,' like 'leave'? Or 'get out' as in, 'Get out. You banged Bridget Fonda?'"
Another player supposed to leave La Riv this week was Ugo Ehiogu. A free transfer to West Brom had been agreed but Boro decided to recall the 92-year-old after it was reported that Gareth Southgate had broken his ankle. Ehiogu's agent, Steve Kutner (too easy, even for this column) said, "Ugo has passed his medical and agreed everything. He does not want to go back to Middlesbrough, despite what might have happened."
A day later, doctors upgraded Southgate's situation from 'seriously injured' to 'not that injured' and Ugo was allowed to leave again. The mastermind of this fiasco was Steve McClaren, who said, "We were very concerned with the serious possibility that Gareth had a stress fracture to his ankle. Clearly, if Gareth had joined Franck Queudrue as long-term injured [cough.. wheeze - Conspiracy Theorist Ed] it would not have been in the club's best interest to allow Ugo to move on."
"Thankfully, Gareth's injury doesn't appear to be as serious as first feared. Scans have been taken that do not suggest a fracture," McClaren continued, "That's clearly great news as I don't need to spell out how important Gareth is to the team." In case anyone does need it spelled out after Saturday's shitshow.. "V", "E", "R", "Y".
"Aw geez, there's something in my eye. Oh, it's just some glass."
Like Coronation Street and ejaculation, January transfer rumours are guaranteed to send most right-minded men straight to sleep, but bear with me because it's been a bumper week for transfer gossip.
First, and, given that he currently plays in League Two and plays in a position that we are already well-stocked, probably the most likely to actually sign for Boro, is Karl Hawley of Carlisle. Hawley is currently joint top-scorer in the division, having put goals past the water-tight defenses of Torquay United, Rushden & Diamonds and Stockport County. According to Sky Sports, this meagre achievement has been enough to convince Steve McClaren to add the 24-year-old to his striker-heavy squad.
Boro have also been linked with a move for Wigan midfielder Jimmy Bullard, with swap deals involving Szilard Nemeth and Ray Parlour mooted. Unfortunately, it is believed that Paul Jewell has seen both Parlour and Nemeth play football and won't be all that keen to agree to such a deal. Jewell, in what probably wasn't a reference to the infamous nighttime activity of dogging, told Sky Sports News, "We were having a bit of a joke about it, because I am sure I saw Stuart Pearce and Steve McClaren in trees behind the training ground."
In a story that almost certainly qualifies as 'space filler', Middlesbrough are also understood to be interested in signing Monaco defender Eric Cubilier. The 26-year-old has been frozen out of the first team picture at the Stade Louis II and, with his contract running out in June and having only played eight games this term, McClaren is believed to have shown his interest. Cubilier can either play in central defence or at left-back, which is sure to be good news for Franck Queudrue.
There were other stories about Eirik Bakke, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Adam Johnson, Stewart Downing and Abdouleye Meite, but I'm going to treat them with the contempt they deserve by not menti..
"Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B'Gosh. She don't want what you're shovellin'."
If they can get past Nuneaton Borough, Middlesbrough will face Coventry City at The Ricoh Arena in the 4th Round of the FA Cup. That's right. if.
"The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!"
Shock Horror! Steve McClaren chose not to use the word 'magnificent' once during his post-match interviews on Saturday and instead chose to sum up Boro's 7-0 humiliation by Arsenal as, rather tellingly, "the future of Middlesbrough Football Club."
"This has been my toughest day as Middlesbrough manager," McClaren told the BBC, "Down to ten men with six teenagers on the park, it was always going to be difficult. I've told the kids they're going to be good players in the future. And this is an experience they'll always remember."
Unfortunately for McClaren, so will the fans.
The Skinny
Not very good, was it?
McClaren's post-match interviews suggest that he feels that fielding six teenagers is some sort of excuse. Ordinarily, I'd say he has a point but his view ignores the fact that Stuart Parnaby, Jim Morrison, Andrew Taylor, Adam Johnson, Matthew Bates, David Wheater and Lee Cattermole were the players who looked like they gave a shit. Rochemback was, once again, useless. Doriva, usually an effective destroyer, was made to look like a pub player. Mendieta - admittedly played in a position not suited to him - was appalling and Viduka couldn't be bothered to try and test the mettle of an 18-year-old centre-half.
Saturday's hammering ensures that the next three games could possibly determine whether or not Steve McClaren remains in a job. Nuneaton Borough will almost certainly find the trip to The Riverside too daunting, but Wigan at home and then Sunderland away must both be won.
Over to you, Mr. McClaren.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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