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THE FUCK NTL ISSUE 23-1-06
For the first time in ages, we had ourselves a pretty tumultuous weekend of Premiership football.
Everton proved again what everybody bar Steve McClaren appears to know; that filling a team with homespun toilers and ruffians will undo Arsenal every time. Lady Luck continued to piss on Graeme Souness' chips by allowing Morten Gamst Pederson's handball goal to stand. West Brom proved that we're not the only team inept enough to lose to Sunderland and Charlton proved what this writer has known for a while, that Chelsea are, in fact, human and if other teams didn't talk themselves into defeat before the match, they'd drop a helluva lot more points. Only Manchester United and Liverpool spoiled it by playing out the most boring meeting between the two sides, since, erm. the last time.
Charlton's draw, however, means that chav emporium owner and all-round busybody, Dave Whelan, will be clamouring to tell all and sundry that Alan Curbishly should be made England manager. Four months ago, he suggested that Steve McClaren should be in charge of the national team. Stick to selling jogging bottoms and Reebok Classics, Dave.
Let's do this...
"Well! I've read enough articles about flirting to know it when I see it."
Not content with one promising but error-prone goalkeeper on his books, Steve McClaren made an offer to sign Liverpool goalkeeper, Scott Carson, it was revealed this week.
Blindly ignoring the £2.5million price tag that Rafael Benitez was slapping on nearby Jerzy Dudek, McClaren apparently approached Liverpool with a view to signing the former Leeds keeper on loan until the end of the season. Despite the fact that Carson hails from Whitehaven and not Madrid, Benitez is keen to keep hold of the 20-year-old.
Meanwhile, Middlesbrough made a move for Slavia Prague's 21-year-old centre back, Martin Latka. Rather than attempting to coach his existing defenders into a cohesive unit, McClaren obviously feels that more defenders with no experience of English football is the order of the day.
It was revealed yesterday that Slavia Prague have rejected Boro's opening offer, but have allowed Latka to attend a week-long trial with the club. "I appreciate this chance highly as I am a great admirer of English football and the Premiership." Whether he signs for Boro or not, the chances of Latka playing in the Premiership next season remain slim.
"I could move you into a beautiful new home. mine. Sign here. sign here. kiss me here. initial there."
Eleven-year-old wunderkind Adam Johnson is looking to sign a new long-term deal at Middlesbrough, amid reported interest from Spurs. "We have not been made aware of any interest or bid from Tottenham," Johnson's agent Ian Elliott told Sky Sports, seamlessly denying contact and opening the door for Spurs to make a bid, "I am sure Middlesbrough would have informed me, but they haven't."
"At the end of the day all he wants to do is play on a regular basis and we are waiting for Middlesbrough to get back to us over his new deal," Elliott continued, while throwing small rocks at Steve Gibson's window in an effort to get some attention.
"Uh, I wouldn't eat them peanuts. They're, uh, they're spit-backs."
Indecisive Mark Schwarzer came off the transfer list this week at his own request. Now, before Schwarzer's agent, Barry Silkman spoke to ComeOnBoro.com, it seemed as though the keeper had realised that he's not half as valuable as he initially thought and had trudged back into Steve McClaren's office with his tail between his legs. However, Silkman has made it clear that wasn't the case and that Schwarzer turned down two deals with other Premiership clubs and a top flight Spanish side in an effort to help get Boro out of the relegation mire.
Meanwhile, West Bromwich Albion will not sign Ugo Ehiogu after failing to agree personal terms with the player. Ehiogu, 97, was set to join the Baggies until he was recalled to Boro when Gareth Southgate injured his ankle. In fact, Ehiogu was so annoyed when the transfer fell through that his agent, Steve Kutner, was moved to say, "He does not want to go back to Middlesbrough". Funny what the promise of a salary drop will do for a man's convictions, isn't it?
It was West Brom Chairman, Jeremy Peace, who announced that his club had ended their plans for an 18-month deal. "We've done everything we can to make this deal happen but it's just not possible," he told West Brom's website. "The goalposts keep being moved and enough is enough." Which is something Brad Jones might want to consider in the near future.
"I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? 'Cause I already showered once today."
Right-back and soothsayer, Stuart Parnaby, believes Boro can turn their miserable season around but has warned fans that they may have to wait a while for it to happen. In a week when most Boro supporters decided to overload on positivity in an attempt to avoid hanging themselves, Parnaby joined the fun by saying, "If we can scrape three wins together, we'll be looking good again." In 15th place, he didn't add.
However, Parnaby couldn't keep the façade going as he concluded by saying, "Until we get everybody back, it's probably going to be more of the same." Defending like clowns, a non-existent midfield, goalkeeping howlers and an uninterested strikeforce, he didn't need to say. Cheers, Stu. Now where's that razor blade?
"Aaagh! What on earth have you done?! My McGuppies became bazongas!"
Following Boro's last minute defeat by Wigan, Steve McClaren attemped to reassure fans by saying, "We are very down, frustrated and disappointed but determined to put things right."
"It was a real kick in the teeth. But we have to keep believing that our luck will turn and we will get out of this," McClaren continued as he ran around the Riverside collecting four-leaf clovers, knocking on wood and shining every horse shoe that he could find.
The Skinny
I'd like to think that these columns have a certain familiarity by now. A little introduction about the broader issues in football and Big Brother, Eastenders or whatever other televisual garbage is preventing me from doing something intellectually rewarding, like reading a book, learning a second language or something, a brief selection of the major Middlesbrough stories of the week are then given a light-hearted spin and then I tell everyone how, despite the latest disappointment, everything will be okay. Well, I'm not sure the last part is relevant this week. Suffice to say, anyone who wasn't willing Sunderland to victory is deluding themselves as to how dire our situation currently is.
Still, it wouldn't be right not to have a go at spreading some positive vibes, so here goes. The second half performance was encouraging and should serve as evidence that McClaren still has the ability to inspire his team. Downing provided the wide attacking threat that we've sorely missed and he has obviously spent a bit of time in the gym as he looks a lot more robust than he did in August. Ray Parlour was quietly effective in central midfield, though neither he nor Lee Cattermole managed to stamp their authority. Yakubu, once again, exhibited his uncanny knack of being in the right place at the right time.
For the second time in a month, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink did enough to suggest that it's he and not Viduka that should be staying at The Riverside. A bit of pride goes a long way in a relegation scrap, and Hasselbaink has that in an abundance. Rumours persist that he'll leave The Riverside this week. Should that transpire, it will be the dumbest piece of business McClaren has conducted since he bought. well, you decide.
Once again, though, Boro pissed it away at the last and it's hard to know why this is happening with the regularity that it is. If the team was all over 30, it could be attributed to tiredness. If the team was predominately under 22, inexperience might be to blame, but the age balance of our team is almost perfect. It might be feasible that a lack of confidence has caused it, but we also leaked late goals against Arsenal, Manchester United and Aston Villa in games that we won. I'd like to offer an explanation, but McClaren gets paid to sort this kind of thing out, so I'll leave it to him.
One last thing, booing a player when he makes his onto the pitch is hardly the most helpful way to buoy spirits. Whatever you think about Ehiogu's on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again transfer, engage your brain and think about the larger ramifications. He's bringing home £30k a week win, lose or draw.
A win over Coventry next weekend would be a welcome distraction from the Premiership morass, but three points at The Stadium of Light the weekend after are imperative.
And with that...
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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