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THE BEEFY ISSUE 6-2-06
Crazy week in the sporting realm, weren't it?
England's rugby team rediscovered their mojo, Alan Shearer moved to within thirty-seven goals of Jackie Milburn's goal-scoring record, Graeme Souness finally got his marching orders and Sol Campbell's poor form and subsequent disappearance may or may not have something or nothing to do with him allegedly being homosexual.
Still, all that madness pales in comparison to the malaise at La Riv.
Let's do this.....
"Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!"
Despite insistence from Steve McClaren and Keith Lamb that there was no money available this January, it was widely reported that Boro made an offer for Manchester City's one-man argument, Joey Barton.
A dispute broke out over the terms of his new contract and Barton opted to hand in a transfer request rather than pursue his usual modus operandi of poking his irritant in the eye with a lit cigar.
"Today my focus has been on this match," Steve McClaren told Sky Sports ahead of Boro's 3-0 thrashing of Sunderland, "I've not been involved but my information is we've not bid. It's speculation."
Speculation, or further evidence that McClaren has lost control of things at Middlesbrough? You decide.
"Hey, 'Police Cops'! That sounds like a lethal combination!"
While Joey Barton stayed put at Eastlands, Boro did manage to make one deadline-day signing, Benjamin Hutchinson of Arnold Town. Yes, it's hard to believe that Sol Campbell's disappearance knocked that story off the back pages, isn't it?
The eighteen-year-old striker, who apparently demonstrated more passion and effort while signing his contract than Mark Viduka has shown in the last eleven months, had been on trial at Boro since earning rave reviews in the North East Counties League.
I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome Benjamin to the club. The way Boro are currently playing, his experience of non-league football may prove invaluable in four or five seasons' time.
"Thai good. You like shirt?"
Following Boro's 3-0 win over Sunderland - their first since 1807 - Steve McClaren beamed to the BBC, "We needed a win, it has been a while. The players deserved it. They have been under a lot of pressure but showed tremendous spirit." Yes, I checked, he definitely said 'spirit' and not 'character'.
McClaren praised his side's ability to keep a clean sheet - their first since 603AD - "A clean sheet was very important and I thought Gareth Southgate and Emanuel Pogatetz were outstanding."
Pogatetz, having enjoyed the mediocre achievement of playing his best game for the club, said afterwards, "I like playing defence, I had to play in midfield because of injuries but I play my best game in defence." After Saturday's shitshow, Luke Moore might disagree.
"I'm talking, of course, about our endangered forests. We have to protect them because trees can't protect themselves. Except, of course, the Mexican fighting trees."
Perhaps desperate to turn attention away from Boro's failings, Steve McClaren spent a bit of time on Saturday morning hailing the one bright spark of the last couple of weeks, Lee Cattermole.
Having quizzically watched the teenager put in hard-working displays against Arsenal, Wigan, Nuneaton Borough, Coventry and Sunderland - and wondered why he can't motivate the rest of the team to put in that level of effort - McClaren said, "When we needed people to stand up and be counted, it took a seventeen-year-old to bring everyone together."
Then, suggesting that Cattermole might have discovered something at the bottom of Abel Xavier's recently vacated locker, McClaren told Sky Sports, "Lee will run through walls for you and has a great attitude."
McClaren also took time to discuss the fitness of George Boateng. "George says we have to wait for the real tiger to come back, but I say to him we already have one in Lee," said McClaren, "He is a big Catt in more ways than one."
Perhaps if McClaren spent as much time cultivating tactics as he does excruciatingly poor puns, we might be higher than seventeenth.
"Your character provides the comic relief, like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now."
Not even Steve McClaren could defend the humiliation which Boro suffered courtesy of Aston Villa on Saturday afternoon. Which is kind of ironic since his team demonstrated a similar inability.
"Everything from start to finish from the kick-off to the final whistle, we were very poor," McClaren mumbled, while still looking a bit too pleased with himself, "We started Tuesday night with passion, we asked for the same but it never materialized - no excuses."
To the surprise of some fans, McClaren did, at long last, address that Boro have been poor for some time. "Our problems are there for all to see," McClaren moaned, "We have conceded more goals than anyone in this league and that is why we are in the position we are in, we are not defending, we are not keeping clean sheets, we have no consistency in that respect and, yes, we have big players missing and that continued yesterday as you saw today."
"I accept criticism and take the blame on my shoulders, I have no problem with that," McClaren admitted, before adding, "I take the praise when we win," which might be true, but this writer, like many others, can't remember that far back.
The Skinny
I've vehemently backed Steve McClaren in this column and in The Observer but - and it gives me no pleasure to say this - the Boro Manager's recently-penned contract should be terminated immediately.
In the last few months we've thrown away points against Spurs, Newcastle and Wigan, required two attempts to beat non-league opposition, only managed to draw with a Championship side, lost by a seven-goal margin and allowed fellow relegation strugglers to humiliate us. Any one of the above would be forgivable, but the combination of all of them, in addition to what appears to be a completely demoralised squad, should ensure that Steve McClaren receives his P45 well before the end of the season.
However, this all-too-long spell of mismanagement, poor performances and bad luck should not detract from what McClaren has achieved at the club. Hopefully, most fans will agree that European football seemed highly improbable only a few seasons ago, and McClaren has made that dream a reality. McClaren has also assembled a potentially excellent squad, but one that he appears to be unable to motivate at present.
Steve Gibson is right when he said after the Villa game that, "The only way this club has gone under Steve McClaren is up," but it was misguided of him to suggest that, "What we need is everyone, all the fans, to get behind the team." What the fans need at the moment is a team who give them a reason to cheer and a manager who exudes enthusiasm. Sadly, with a few exceptions, we're not seeing either.
With a squad of experienced internationals and promising talents, Middlesbrough simply cannot afford to get relegated. The likes of Southgate, Ehiogu, Schwarzer and Hasselbaink would all garner interest from next season's mid-table and newly-promoted Premiership sides, while Downing, Morrison, Johnson, McMahon and Cattermole would probably find the lure of playing for another top-level club stronger than a season of Championship football for their beloved team.
We know it won't be an easy decision, Mr. Gibson, but sacking McClaren is the right move.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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