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THE YORDA ISSUE 19-2-06
I've tried and I've tried and I've tried, but as far as I can see, the only redeemable thing about the Winter Olympics is the biathlon.
If I can steal a bit from Jerry Seinfeld for a moment, there is something incredibly amusing about an event that combines skiing with shooting. Now, if somebody could invent a sport that combined writing half-arsed jokes every Sunday with drinking Frijj milkshakes, this writer might be in with a shot of a medal.
Let's do this.....
"Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!"
After the thrashing by Aston Villa, Steve McClaren might have been planning for a career of after-dinner speaking. But rather than offer his advice to drunk, heckling executives in the near future, Saturday's demolition of Chelsea means that the boss of the best team in Europe now wants an audience with McClaren.
Having watched Boro - that's right, not Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool or Bayern Munich but BORO hand Chelsea their heaviest defeat under Jose Mourinho, Barcelona boss, Frank Rijkaard told The Sun that he was going to get in touch with Steve McClaren to seek his advice.
"I'm going to ring the manager of Middlesbrough, so he can tell me how they won," Rijkaard told The Sun, clearly unaware that McClaren, as a self-confessed fan of Abramovich's Chelsea, would probably rather see an English team win the European Cup - albeit a Russian-owned one - than a Spanish side. Rijkaard then added, rather strangely, "We know what happened because we had our scout there." Which begs the question, why ask for McClaren's advice? Perhaps Don MacKay has been doing some moonlighting for the Cataluna outfit?
"When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner."
Middlesbrough's favourite perma-smiling Nigerian, Yakubu Aiyegbeni has called on his team-mates to build on their victory over Chelsea.
"There is no doubt that we have played our best football against the best teams," said Yakubu as Mick McCarthy wondered if Boro's recent thrashing of Sunderland put his side in that bracket. "On the one hand that is good, but on the other hand, we need to do the same against teams from lower down the table. We need to show the same level of performance every game," Yakubu continued, hitting the nail squarely on the head with a massively-gloved hand.
Yakubu also told the press that he felt Boro fans were beginning to see an improvement in Fabio Rochemback. The Brazilian, who was one of Boro's chief tormentors in last season's Uefa Cup exit, has frustrated fans with his beefy appearance and wonky freekicks ever since his transfer from Sporting Lisbon, but offered an outstanding display against Chelsea on Saturday.
"When you see foreign players coming to England you know it can take them quite a while to settle," said Yakubu of Fabio Rochemback, rather kindly ignoring the fact that Yakubu scored on his debut for Portsmouth. "Quite often it can take three or four months and sometimes a whole season. But whenever I watch him in training I find some of the things he can do totally unbelievable," Yakubu said, presumably not referring to Rochemback's uncanny ability to shank the ball with reckless abandon.
"He has so much talent. With time he will improve although I don't think he can improve on what we saw against Chelsea." With such blatant palliness between two Premiership footballers, it's lucky no News of the World journalists were listening.
"They gave me a choice: jail, the army or apologising to the judge and the old lady. Of course, if I'd known there was a war going on, I probably would have apologised."
Middlesbrough have submitted an application to play in next season's Intertoto Cup competition.
As things stand, any club finishing in the top six will be guaranteed at least a Uefa Cup slot, although, with Liverpool and Chelsea still in the FA Cup and Manchester United all but certain to win the League Cup, that may change. With circumstances as they are, the Premiership has one Intertoto Cup place, which will be used to punish the players of the team who finish highest in the Premiership without qualifying automatically for the qualifying stages of the Uefa Cup. Confused? You oughta be.
A Boro suit wheezed, by way of explanation, "Boro have confirmed they have applied to represent the Barclays Premiership in next season's Intertoto Cup should they be unsuccessful in their bid to qualify for the Uefa Cup for the third successive season."
Funny, with a defence unwilling or unable to tackle any opponents this season, I'd have been convinced we'd have qualified via the Fair Play league.
"Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake."
Boro made it three wins in a row with a hard-working 2-1 victory over VfB Stuttgart in the Gottlieb-Daimler Stadion on Thursday night. Despite some early pressure from the hosts, Boro took the lead through Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink midway through the first half, with the recently prolific Stuart Parnaby adding another early in the second half. Some of the shine was taken off the win by a Danijel Ljuboja freekick, which Jason Kennedy really shouldn't have turned his back on, four minutes from the end.
"We would have settled for that before the game. You need to be disciplined and that was what we were," Steve McClaren told the only man more inept at reading an autocue than Colin Murray, Channel Five's John Barnes.
"We want to do well in the competition, we feel we can, but there is a long way to go. It's the last third of the season and there is still a lot to play for," McClaren concluded, before Barnes cocked up another link back to the studio.
"My dreams all involve combing my hair."
In what could be considered the thinnest-veiled "take my manager" plea of all-time, Steve Gibson told the BBC that he wouldn't stand in Steve McClaren's way if The FA come calling.
"If your country comes calling, then you have to answer that call," Gibson told BBC Radio Five Live, perhaps confusing international football management with conscription. "I wouldn't stand in Steve's way. It's up to the FA bigwigs. My preference is for a British manager."
"He [McClaren] is in his fifth year, and in that time we have finished in our highest-ever league position and have won our first major trophy in the Carling Cup. However, this year, as in all things, we have had a bit of a blip - and you don't go ending honourable contracts because you are having a bad spell," even if said honourable contract took the form of a handshake and required a Bic biro and a pot of Tippex to sort out, this writer assumes.
"And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened. And no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture."
Having watched his side notch up a 2-0 win over fourth-placed Celebrity Big Brother contestant, Preston, Steve McClaren told Sky Sports, "It was a tough game, we didn't play well but we ground out the result." Which, when you consider the opposition was the singer of a backward-looking indie band with an affinity for Fred Perry shirts, probably isn't good enough.
However, in a tactical masterstroke, McClaren brought on Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink for Tony McMahon, who has apparently just finished his eleven-month stint of work experience at the North Ormesby Road McDonalds. The move paid off as Hasselbaink set up the first goal for Yakubu and delivered another hard-working display. "It was important to get to half-time at 0-0, because we knew Preston would start well. We wanted to pose more of a threat," McClaren said of his decision to start a game against lower league opposition with just one striker.
McClaren also tipped Chris Riggott to be a surprise inclusion in England's World Cup squad. "He's got to be in [England's World Cup plans] if he keeps playing like that," McClaren proudly announced. On the other hand, Eriksson might see a higher number in Boro's goals-against tally than all but two teams in the Premiership and think that Jamie Carragher, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Anton Ferdinand, Sol Campbell, Ledley King, Matthew Upson, Jonathan Woodgate and Michael Dawson are better bets.
The Skinny
So, after I called for McClaren to get sacked two weeks ago, we've won four games in a row. Would it be arrogant to suggest that my declaration of malcontent has been the motivation for Boro's upturn? Yeah, probably. Carry on like this though, Steve, and I might be forced into eating no small amount of humble pie.
We've got a potentially season-defining week ahead of us though, with fixtures against VfB Stuttgart and West Brom ahead. One suspects that Stuttgart's passing was seriously hindered by the pitch on Thursday, because their poor display betrayed their reputation as being a decent side.
Stuttgart still caused us plenty of problems in the early stages of the first half but with Queudrue back in the side - albeit it with a stupid Travis Bickle mohican - Jesper Gronkjaer shouldn't find the amount of time and space that Pogatetz afforded him. Special mention should also go to Andrew Davies, who delivered his best performance in a Boro shirt and looked completely assured. He's clearly gained a great deal from his spells at lower league clubs and it's nice to have him back.
As for West Brom, well, if they run out in Chelsea shirts, we've got a chance.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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