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THE COLOSSUS ISSUE 27-2-06
It was only those in possession of the coldest of hearts who didn't feel a little sympathy for Chelsea fans this week. For one, their club's billionaire owner apparently can't afford a playing surface that doesn't resemble the bog of eternal stench from Jim Henson's 1986 masterpiece, Labyrinth. But to add to the indignity, they've found out that they're not the only team in Europe who can feign injury.
Small wonder, then, that some of their fans felt that they needed to threaten the life of the referee who wasn't conned by Asier Del Horno's hammy display of theatrics. It should be pretty obvious to everyone who watched the game that Chelsea's defeat had nothing to do with the concession of nearly 70% possession in a game being played at their stadium and everything to do with an almost perfect display of officiating.
Who says sarcasm doesn't come across well in type?
Let's do this.....
"You know, installing your own barbecue pit is no harder than adding an aviary or Olympic-sized swimming pool."
Good news for fans with season tickets in the North Upper who are fed up with being hit in the face with a football every time Boro win a freekick- Fabio Rochemback is set for a spell on the sidelines.
Rochemback was stretchered off during Boro's 2-0 FA Cup victory over Preston North End and scans confirmed that the Brazilian had damaged his ankle ligaments and will probably face eight to ten weeks on the treatment table.
"He was just finding his feet," claimed McClaren, an astonishing admission considering Rochemback was bought for £3.5million. "He was becoming our main man in midfield," McClaren continued, which is news to this writer and one can't help imagine, George Boateng.
Meanwhile, McClaren has also confirmed that Jim Morrison and Malcolm Christie - who last played for Boro in 1807, before his entire skeleton crumbled and needed to be rebuilt using a combination of Meccano and fusilli pasta - will both be back sooner than expected.
"We want to see him playing and training continuously, and that's why we're looking for a Scandinavian club for him," McClaren said of Christie, sending this story to an altogether unlikely and thoroughly underwhelming conclusion.
"In high school I was voted most likely to be a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee."
Monday's so-dull-it-made-the-matchsticks-propping-my-eyes-open-fall-asleep draw meant that Boro will play Charlton at The Valley in the quarter finals of the FA Cup.
The winner of the Manchester City v Aston Villa game will play the winner of the Bolton v West Ham game. So, Manchester City will play West Ham. Meanwhile, Liverpool were given the next best thing to a bye with a tie against Birmingham City. The draw also ensured that Alan Shearer's career as a Newcastle player will end trophyless after they drew Champions League whipping boys, Chelsea.
Boro's game - which will be played on 23rd Match - is on telly too, which is somewhat of a bonus for those not fancying the 500 mile round-trip on a Thursday night.
"You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch?"
Having watched his team do the absolute bare minimum against VfB Stuttgart on Thursday night to advance to the last sixteen of the Uefa Cup, Steve McClaren admitted that he is already looking forward to the game with AS Roma.
"That's the one we wanted," McClaren told ITV4 and its seventeen viewers, "It might not have been pretty - the hard work was done last week - we just had to make sure we got the right result because Roma is a big, big game."
"We very, very easily could have got frustrated throughout the game, but in the second-half we settled down, calmed down, got our shape, stopped them - they didn't really have that many chances," McClaren claimed, "Yes, we should have scored on the break a couple of times but it was a perfect European experience over two ties and it goes on."
You've got to admire the moxie of a man who can sum up a 2-2 aggregate draw as "a perfect European experience." But, hey, I'm happy that we're through.
"Just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does! The average settlement is $68,000."
Steve McClaren watched his side cruise to victory for the fifth time in six games against West Brom on Sunday afternoon and was quick to tell the BBC that Boro's defence is the reason for the upturn in form.
"We had a blip against Aston Villa a couple of weeks ago," McClaren said of a performance that followed the concession of ten goals in two league games against Wigan and Arsenal, "but we've shored up our defence and that's been our platform."
"We had stubborn defending, played good football and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Yakubu up front delivered for us. There's a great feeling in the dressing room," McClaren said, making this writer wish he hadn't prematurely spunked his quota of News of the World and gay footballer jokes last week.
The Skinny
There's no doubt that McClaren is giving his critics a tough time at the moment what with all this winning, but there were a couple of indications this week that we perhaps shouldn't get too comfortable with this streak of success.
His predilection towards ultra conservative football reared its head again on Thursday and frankly it all got a bit needlessly hairy. It's not that we began the game with one striker, nor that our leading goal-scorer started on the bench because there are sound reasons for both, but rather that the team took to the field with absolutely no attacking intent. Should we attempt to play Roma, the form team in a league dedicated to defending a 1-0 lead, in such cautious fashion, our Uefa Cup run will end calamitously. McClaren must betray his instinctive cageyness and send the team out to attack Roma from the off in the first leg.
As for the league, Birmingham - rather like us - find themselves much lower down the table than they would've expected at the beginning of the season, and - rather like us - they're capable of playing some decent football when the mood takes them but, ultimately - yes, rather like us - you're never sure what will happen when they kick-off. And that's what makes next Saturday's game so mouth-watering.
And with that....
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