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THE ALFREDO GARCIA ISSUE 6-3-06
The foolish decision to stick around in the pub for another couple of pints instead of going see Brokeback Mountain with the missus has meant that this writer is all-too-familiar with sustained periods of inactivity.
It might be that all the week's sports headlines were deservedly hogged by Alastair Cook, but the lack of truly exciting football stories took even this experienced scribe by surprise.
Perhaps it's just the calm before the Roman storm, but nothing of note happened at The Riverside either. Nonetheless, I'm committed to filling this page with something, so here goes.
Let's do this.....
"It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene. And it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker."
In a story that probably won't upset the fans that the Australian dawdler allegedly confronted following the defeat to Aston Villa, Mark Viduka has hinted that he might look to leave Boro after the World Cup finals. With the World Cup still 96 days away, this writer can only assume that Viduka is giving the club's janitor enough time to widen the doorframe by eight inches.
"I was not really looking to move in January," Viduka fair dinkum'd to the Australian Daily Telegraph. "When you go then, you're always making up time. It takes you a couple of months to get settled with your team mates. With the World Cup coming I didn't really want to do that." And to think some fans claim that Viduka might not have Boro's best interests at heart.
When quizzed about his likely destination, Viduka sniffed, "I'd go anywhere, but I love England. It's a great league- probably the best in the world for entertainment, there's a bit of properness about it here. When you go to other places, sometimes the players are not being paid, they are struggling. In England, if you've got a contract, everything is in black and white." After January's 'taxation issue' debacle, Steve McClaren may beg to differ.
However, one striker who is happy at Boro is the perma-smiling Yakubu Aiyegbeni. At least, he is according to his agent, Honest Barry Silkman. Yakubu has been the subject of supposed interest from Liverpool and Arsenal, but Silkman told Sky Sports, "There is nothing to talk about, as far as we are concerned this is all just paper talk. Nothing official has come to us. Yakubu is very happy at Middlesbrough, he has just arrived and is happy with how things are going." Which is certainly good news, even if it does suggest that Yakubu isn't a man with particular high expectations.
"Hi, little eggs. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but your - your mom was involved in an incident. Mistakes were made."
Doing his bit to pad out this article, Bryan Robson has admitted that he tried to sign Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink in an effort to replace the Norwich-bound Robert Earnshaw, who moved for Norwich in January, a piece of business which would have been akin to this writer ditching his girlfriend for a crack at a one-night tryst with Angelina Jolie.
However, the move (Jimmy's not Angelina's) was scuppered by wage demands. "We looked at Hasselbaink at the last minute during the January window. I had conversations with Jimmy and his agent. But it was a case again of the wage bill here just couldn't take on someone like Jimmy and nothing happened," Robson mumbled, the former Boro manager barely audible over the snoring readers of this column.
In an effort to bring some substance to this otherwise unnecessary piece, Robson did admit that he will probably pursue the signing of Ugo Ehiogu in the summer. "Is there any chance of the Ehiogu deal being resurrected? In the summer, it might be," the Baggies boss teased like a twenty quid a dance Spearmint Rhino's girl, "I was disappointed that that one fell through in January because I'd worked very hard at talking him into joining us."
But it's not just the Baggies who can't compete financially with Boro. Even fourteen-time Dutch champions, Feyenoord, are positively destitute compared to the fifteenth best team in England.
It's no secret that George Boateng's contract expires in the summer and, as usual, Boro are leaving it late to tie down a key player. Feyenoord - who presumably pay their players in Gouda and hash - are among a raft of clubs being linked with the midfielder.
"He earns some millions a year in England, it's for us impossible to do something," Feyenoord coach Erwin Koeman told Brabants Dagblad, which might be a character from Spongebob Squarepants for all this ill-educated writer knows.
"This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon."
Boro's sixth win in seven games had Steve McClaren beaming more brightly than Jodie Marsh's frighteningly white teeth. Mark Viduka's 44th minute goal was enough for Boro to eke out a 1-0 win over a Birmingham side that probably deserved to take a point back to the West Midlands.
"It wasn't a pretty football game in difficult conditions," McClaren smirked, earning the ire of every Sunday league footballer to which the Riverside's surface would be paradise, "But you saw why we are getting results."
"We are always liable to score and today it was a bit of magic from Mark Viduka," McClaren added. "And then we defended resolutely and made sure we got the three points. You never feel safe in the league, but it was a big three points and I am looking up and our target is the top half of the table."
Top half!? Steady on, Steve. I thought this was supposed to be a transitional season.
The Skinny
It was the turn of Yakubu this week to blame Boro's pre-Chelsea form on missing injured key players. Last week, both Gareth Southgate and Steve McClaren both made similar intimations.
But who are these mystery players that were absent from the Villa thrashing? Fabio Rochemback was missing, but even the club's chief executive admitted that he'd been rubbish all season. No, the two key players that didn't play were Franck Queudrue and George Boateng. That's the same Franck Queudrue that has been bumped from centre-back to left-back to left-wingback to left-midfield all season and the same George Boateng who the club has yet to find a suitable contract for.
If Boateng truly is that important - and the form of the club over the last two seasons strongly suggests that he is - Boro must put an attractive contract to him on the table immediately. Fail to do that and the tie against AS Roma might be the last against a European side for a while.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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