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THE CYRODIIL ISSUE 27-3-06
If one thing stood out among the weekend's footballing stories, it's that apparently not every striker will admit to handling the ball after they've scored. Yes, Chelsea are loathsome and, yes, Didier Drogba would have a hard time making himself more dislikable if he appeared on The Apprentice and was called Syed, but, for once, I feel compelled to take his side. It's the officials' jobs to get these decisions right, not the players' responsibility to be paragons of virtue.
I would like to point out that my stance has nothing to do with the fact that Morten Gamst Pedersen and Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink have both scored with their hands against Newcastle in the last two seasons. Nothing whatsoever.
Let's do this.....
"Ah! And now to read my fortune: 'Geese can be troublesome.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
The Premiership's best left back, Franck Queudrue, has indicated his desire to leave Middlesbrough at the end of his current contract.
"Obviously there is part of me that would like to go back from where I am from, Paris, but England has the football that suits my style best so if it was just down to that, and I had the chance, I would stay in England. I love the area and the people are great; football is such an essential aspect of the culture up here in the North East," Queudrue zut allor-ed to The Sunday Sun, casting the minds of Boro fans at ease...
.. for all of three seconds, before adding, "But I feel good about being linked to clubs like Liverpool and PSG. My contract ends in 2008 and I think it would be a good time to move to a different club. Both from a football and a family point of view it would provide the opportunity to have another challenge. I would like to experience life in maybe France or Spain."
Despite being the best full back in England for the last three seasons, Queudrue has never been included in the French national squad, something that grates with the Parisian. "I'll be honest, I'm very disappointed that I have never been included in a French squad but I will not give up," Queudrue seethed. "Raymond Domenech has never spoken to me. In fact, I think he has never seen me play." Which, seeing as a certain shaggy-haired Austrian has had a monopoly on the left-back berth at Boro this season, is hardly a surprise.
"I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino."
George Boateng has hit back at Robbie Savage's claims that the Dutchman helped sway referee Chris Foy's decision to send off the whinging Welsh wuss.
"It's nonsense for Robbie to say I tried to get him sent off because I had nothing to do with it," Boateng raged. "He did everything himself." Savage was booked in the fifty-first minute for a foul on the Dutchman and received a second booking just three minutes later for intercepting a pass from Boateng with his right hand. Presumably he was busy stroking his wavy blonde locks with his left.
"He cannot accuse anybody in the Premiership of trying to get someone sent off, because that's his game," claimed Boateng of the preening blonde sissy. "That's what he's been doing all his career, winding people up and trying to get them sent off." A salvo so fierce, it will have stung even the no doubt recently moisturised skin of the Welsh kick-merchant.
Boateng wasn't finished there however and through gritted teeth told Sky Sports, "I didn't kick him, he kicked me. And the handball, deliberate or not, doesn't matter because it was a ball to a player's feet who would have been in on the back four." The player in question, however, was Fabio Rochemback, so what advantage Boro would have gained still remains unclear.
"I don't understand. She was my young, sex fiancée; he was my sexually virile best friend; and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa. How could this ever have happened?"
Speaking of George Boateng, as I unquestionably was, Steve McClaren told the press this week that he is hopeful the Dutch midfielder will sign a new contract. If, for some reason, this story doesn't sound familiar yet, fear not, it will.
AC Milan are the latest club rumoured to be interested in offering a contract to Boateng, but McClaren insisted that Boro are doing all they can to get the Dutchman to agree to a new deal. "We want him to stay because he is vital to us," claimed McClaren, "Obviously we don't want to be put into the position we faced with Bolo last season."
Ah yes, Boudewijn Zenden- the Dutch midfielder who was integral to Boro's success last season and, arguably, still hasn't been adequately replaced, and who you'll recall left the club last summer after a protracted period of contractual negotiation. It's a chain of events that is obviously still fresh in the memory of Steve McClaren.
"He [Zenden] was a very important player for this club," wailed the Boro boss, "and George is equally important, not just on the field, but off it in bringing the club and dressing room together. When he has been out injured or whatever, it's no coincidence results have dipped."
However, McClaren made it clear that the club would not rush through a new deal. "It's one of those we need to be careful with," McClaren said, employing the same try-and-get-them-to-sign-at-the-last-minute-then-don't-have-a-contingency plan-if-they-decide-to-leave technique that failed so miserably with Zenden, "I think there is a willingness on both sides to get a deal done because I don't think George wants to leave, and we don't want to lose him."
One player who has already left La Riv is Danny Boy Graham, who this week joined Leeds United on a month-long loan contract. News which will disappoint fans of the tenacious young centre forward and readers of this column who were expecting at least a half-decent punchline.
"Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends. Like, uh. mm. piloting motorcoaches. and, uh. collecting dog waste."
Having roused himself from the preceding insomnia-curing match, Steve McClaren hailed Ugo Ehiogu and Gareth Southgate as Boro played out a goalless draw in the FA Cup quarter-final against Charlton.
"We knew this would be a tough tie," McClaren told the BBC, yawning and wiping the sleep from his eyes, "Charlton, especially in the first half, hit us with everything and the two centre-halves and the goalkeeper saved us. We had chances but it was a fair result. We are disappointed not to win on the night but we have got another shot."
"It is never easy at The Valley. We wouldn't have taken a draw because of the fixture pile-up but we are in the hat and we will go back to the Riverside fairly confident." A statement which is ever so slightly at odds with the fact that Charlton's last visit to La Riv ended in a 3-0 win for the visitors.
"I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, 'Channel Six is hot, hot, hot!"
The game of the season was played out at the Riverside on Sunday afternoon, as Boro came from behind to eventually beat Notlob Wanderers 4-3.
"I think both teams showed how not to defend, but we've got players who can score goals," Steve McClaren told Sky Sports, possibly alluding to Notlob's lone striker, Kevin Davies, whose four goals this season make him as useful in front of the net as this one-legged bloke that I play five-a-side with, or, if you like, Stuart Parnaby.
Though he has been accused of holding too little regard for league games lately, McClaren admitted that the win would send his side to Switzerland in confident mood, telling Sky Sports, "It was important to get a result to build confidence and to build momentum. We've got big, big cup games coming up and we have to gather momentum."
"When I looked at the team with ten minutes to go and they equalised we looked all out, but the subs came on, who were always going to be important for us, and they made a difference," McClaren concluded, before running off to stop Emanuel Pogatetz from charging into the Notlob dressing room for another piece of Kevin Davies.
The Skinny
Given the apathetic approaches to the Charlton and Blackburn matches, the 4-3 win over Bolton was like being roped in to helping at a University Open Day and then realising that, in fact, there are few better opportunities to perv on young, naïve and hormonally rampant girls.
I don't expect to see such an entertaining encounter against Basle on Thursday, however, but a 1-0 win will do nicely. I'll let others do the clichés about needing to keep it tight for the first twenty minutes and get a crucial away goal and say only this:
COME ON BORO!
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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