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THE KARATE KID ISSUE 2-4-06
The weekend's Premiership football may have been slightly jejune, but did anyone see the boat race? Jeez Louise, who'd have thought eighteen toffs flexing their biceps in a pair of canoes could be so boring?
Oh.
Let's do this.....
"You know, we could get out of these stupid things if you'd just tell the judge you're a bad mother. And you don't even need to say 'bad.' It could be 'negligent' or 'unfit' or 'drugged-up.'
Steve McClaren has urged Emanuel Pogatetz to curb his temper after the Austrian marauder clashed with hapless five-goals-in-thirty-games striker Kevin Davies during and after Boro's victory over Notlob Wanderers last Sunday.
Pogatetz, who this website first christened Mad-Dog (thank you very much, Sky Sports), confronted Davies after the lowest-scoring first-choice centre-forward in the league who isn't called Emile Heskey or Jon Stead had failed to put the ball out of play so that the Austrian could receive treatment for a cut on his head.
McClaren said, "It was a clash, but these things happen in football," especially when you're up against a team incapable of out-playing anyone and entirely reliant of flinging elbows in every direction like Notlob, he should have added but didn't. "He was incensed because he was bleeding and then there was an overreaction," McClaren added. "He has a tendency to do that and it's something he has got to curb because things like that do happen in football," especially when you're up against a team incapable etc etc and so on.
Meanwhile, Kevin Davies took time out of his schedule of missing chances and fouling opponents to say, "I would never intentionally hurt anyone." However, since Kevin Davies has, according to no less an authority than Opta, committed more fouls than any other player in the Premiership so far this season, it's a statement that should be taken with a coronary-inducing pinch of salt. "If the ref felt it was intentional," Davies blathered, as this writer wondered why he'd bothered to cover this story, "then he would have sent me off." Given Howard Webb's performance, Kevin, it's far from a certainty.
"The linesman and the ref have not punished me and his reaction is a bit embarrassing for him," Davies offered by way of conclusion. Not half as embarrassing as clawing back a 3-1 deficit and then tossing it away in the last minute, you fat-necked dimwit.
"Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our mailman."
Middlesbrough were beaten 2-0 by FC Basel in the Uefa Cup Quarter Final first leg on Thursday night after the hosts scored two goals in three minutes at the end of the first-half.
"We don't feel like it is over and we have got a good chance of getting a goal at home and we feel we can do something," said Chris Riggott who captained the side in Gareth Southgate's absence and, somewhat less impressively, ducked out of the way of Matias Delgado's tame opener. A goal that due to the wicked bounce should probably have been credited to the groundsman.
Chief Executive Keith Lamb, meanwhile, called for disappointed fans to get behind the team for next week's return leg. "We want a full house," he told Sky Sports News, "We want a wall of noise and flags waving and let's see how the opposition can handle a night on the Riverside." About as well as Aston Villa, if the first leg is anything to go by.
As much of a concern to Boro as the result is the well-being of Emanuel Pogatetz, who had to be stretchered-off after colliding with Mladen Petric. It was confirmed on Friday that Pogatetz has a broken nose and a fractured cheekbone, and will not play again this season.
Boro's head physio and X-Factor reject lookalike, Grant Downie told Sky Sports, "The medical back up at the ground was good, the Swiss authorities were very helpful and the team at the local hospital were very good. Boro's medical team were their usual efficient selves, making sure he received the appropriate treatment as soon as possible." With the amount of practice they've had in the last two seasons, that's news that should come as a surprise to no one.
"I hear science is working on a donut that actually burns off calories. uh. How's that goin'?"
Having watched his side thrash Manchester City by one goal to nil, Steve McClaren told Sky Sports how proud he is of Middlesbrough's youth academy.
"I enjoyed that. That was a look into the Middlesbrough future. We had seven academy players on show," McClaren simpered, bizarrely mimicking the post-match interview he gave after Arsenal had whupped Boro by seven goals. "I wanted to look at the youngsters today. They took a while to settle, but once they did they found their footing. There were some very, very good kids on that field. They've got a bright future."
"Some of our football was breathtaking. We could have scored more, but hopefully we've saved them for Thursday," McClaren concluded, leaving this writer wondering exactly what our goals quota is for this season.
The Skinny
It's easy to gainsay McClaren [fun too - Ed], but his peculiar team selection against FC Basel merits mention. Ray Parlour and Doriva are both capable central midfielders, but with George Boateng, Lee Cattermole and Gareth Southgate all missing, it would surely have been more prudent to play a five man midfield, with a lone centre-forward. I dare say McClaren would have drawn criticism for being negative, but our success in the Gottlieb-Daimler-Stadion against VfB Stuttgart was built around stifling their midfield at the earliest opportunity, something that the two 33-year-olds were always going to struggle to do against a highly organised and fluid team like Basel. The 2-0 final score means a very tough task lies ahead of Thursday's team.
That said, we aren't without significant hope for the return leg. The lack of Pogatetz and, probably, Queudrue will make it a tough night for young Andrew Taylor, but any sign of complacency from the Swiss side will surely be punished by our returning central midfield pair. Lee Cattermole will certainly be encouraged by his first goal for the club and George Boateng is always imperative to Boro's defensive and attacking play. And, perhaps more importantly, with his new deal still not agreed he appears desperate to prove his worth. Whether it's to Boro or AC Milan is another matter entirely.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
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