|
|
THE PROUDEST NIGHT IN HISTORY ISSUE 9-4-06
Regular readers will know that I usually use this space to give a brief synopsis of the week's major sporting stories. However, since nothing that happened this week was as exciting as Thursday night, it'd only be a waste of my time and yours.
Let's do this.....
"I work twenty-two hours a day, and then I go home to a wife who will not touch me. The Indian rope trick has become the Indian 'nope' trick."
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink believes that he will have to leave Middlesbrough in June. The Dutchman's current contract expires in the summer and he has yet to be offered a new deal by the club.
"There has been no indication they want me to say. Nothing has been said, nobody has spoken to me," bawled Hasselbaink to Sky Sports News, as Chris Coleman furiously rubbed his palms together and salivated like Ashley Cole in a [snippity snip - Ed] somewhere in the background.
After a muted start to the season, Hasselbaink was thought to have been on the verge of agreeing a contract with Fulham in January, but since the turn of the year he has been in prolific form for Boro, scoring eleven goals in his last seventeen games. "You have to be realistic, If they'd wanted me to stay then they would have spoken to me already," Hasselbaink pondered, obviously not having asked fellow Dutchmen, Boudewijn Zenden and George Boateng for their opinion on the matter.
"Maybe they want a younger player, it's possible," mused 34-year-old Hasselbaink as this puzzled scribe turned his attention to 26-year-old Massimo Maccarone wildly shanking a ball over the trees on the edge of the Rockcliffe training field [don't listen to him, Massimo, you did it when it counted - Ed] before wondering how 28-year-old Joseph-Desire Job was getting on at Saudi Arabian outfit, Al-Ittihad. "There are no hard feelings. I've had a magnificent time with Boro."
One player who has signed a new deal with the club is 6-year-old prospect, Jonathan Franks. Franks, who can play either on the right-wing or as a striker, has agreed a one-year scholarship, with a further three years when he becomes professional next year.
"Jonathan has agreed his deal," Franks' agent, Ian Elliott chirruped to Sky Sports News, "He is obviously delighted to have sealed everything with Middlesbrough." Franks, meanwhile, cooed in a cot somewhere nearby.
"Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out. It's established in the case of 'Lawyers vs. Justice.' That was a wonderful day for us."
After Boro's phenomenal 4-1 victory over FC Basel on Thursday, Steve McClaren managed to compose himself long enough to talk to the press.
"Going 1-0 down, and still coming back to win 4-1, it's incredible, I've got a happy dressing room in there," McClaren said, proving himself the master of understatement. "I'm delighted for the players in there, and the supporters - they were magnificent all night - they stayed behind the team, the chairman, everyone involved with Middlesbrough Football Club. There is no better way to win a game than how we have just won that." And the man who coached Manchester United to their legendary 2-1 European Cup final victory over Bayern Munich oughta know.
George Boateng, meanwhile, revealed that FC Basel's cockiness spurred Middlesbrough on. "We were up for it," Boateng told The Daily Mail, "When we played in Basel, after the game, they were really celebrating, they were already cheering and waving to the crowd as if the tie was over. In the warm-up, one of our balls went into their half and we wanted one of their players to give us it, but he kicked it halfway between him and us, and we had to walk to get it. Franck Queudrue and myself looked at him and thought, 'you are going to get a proper pasting.'"
Meanwhile, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink said to ITV, "It's magnificent for the club, for all the players, everybody. This is a great night, but it's in the past. It's great but we've done nothing yet." We know you might be out of work in the summer. For God's sake, Jimmy, cheer up, you miserable sod.
"Oh, this battlefield is rife with inaccuracy! You dead people stop playing cards! And Stonewall Jackson, stop roller-blading!"
Boro chairman Steve Gibson has vowed to remain at the club for as long as he is wanted by the fans. In other words: Boro chairman Steve Gibson has vowed to remain at the club forever.
"I got involved because this is the club I support and I believed I could help," Gibson told www.mfc.co.uk, "As long as that remains the case and the fans want me here, then I'll continue as chairman."
Gibson admitted that he would let Steve McClaren leave should the FA offer him the England manager's job, but he feels that it's too early for the Boro boss. "If Steve left, it would be with our blessing," he told The Guardian, "But we hope it won't come to that and he might not be ready for it."
"His achievements are there for everybody to see but the whole England debate shows just how fickle football can be. Eight weeks ago he had no chance. Now we are on the verge of something special, England has reared its head again but, for me, the England manager should have ten years under his belt." Which, despite his girth, is one of the few things Fat Sam Allardyce can't lay claim to having under his.
"Dirty love. I mean, 30-love. I mean, anyone for penis? I'll just get the shuttlecock! Ulp!"
Middlesbrough lost 2-1 in a meaningless practice match against Newcastle United at The Riverside on Sunday afternoon.
"We are disappointed, I don't like losing," McClaren admitted, barely able to hide his couldn't careless-ness. "I cannot criticise the players after the effort they have put in this season. The past few days have been draining."
"We always expected it to be a tough game. It was a derby, but even more so after Thursday night. We caught Newcastle on a good day, they were very good first half, but the players have been superb second half and pressed hard, but it wasn't to be", a blasé McClaren continued, although no one was listening. "They gave everything, I couldn't fault the attitude, commitment, character and spirit. They were a bit flat in the first-half, but that is to be expected after Thursday night."
The win for Newcastle leaves them in mid-table mediocrity, while Boro continue to be involved in both the FA and Uefa Cup, which should say something about who the real winners are.
The Skinny
God knows McClaren has taken some stick in this column over the last few months, but he's due an enormous amount of credit for binning his anti-entertainment mantra on Thursday night and bringing on four strikers.
So while The Not-So Special One has wilted out of Europe by playing Robert Huth as a striker for the second consecutive season, Steve McClaren - with a fraction of Mourinho's budget - stuck all of his four strikers on the pitch and gave them twenty minutes to win the tie. Needless to say, it worked. Lucky? Perhaps, but it was an uncharacteristically bold move, and one which turned out to be an act of genius.
As for Sunday's derby, I'll give it just as much attention as our players clearly did.
And with that....
BACK TO JAMES BASSETT INDEX
|
|
|
|
