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THE MASSIMO ISSUE 2-5-06
It's tempting to call this the most exciting week of the season. Barcelona and Arsenal secured their places in the Champions League Final, leaving a raft of sports writers salivating over the prospect of a pair of adventurous, attacking teams going head-to-head. Now, how many goals did both of them score in their respective semi-finals? Oh.
The number of crap West Midlands teams in the Premiership was reduced to one as Birmingham and West Brom finally had their relegation confirmed. The upside? A couple of decent players will be available on the cheap. The downside? Portsmouth's survival seems to make the blinkered southern press believe that Harry Redknapp is a decent manager, when anyone with an ounce of sense can see that he's a lucky chancer, who managed to relegate Southampton for the first time in twenty-seven years when he received his first test as a top-flight manager.
Chelsea, meanwhile, were crowned champions. Wayne Rooney broke his foot and will miss the World Cup. Luiz Felipe Scolari was offered the England job and then turned it down and Alan Curbishly said that he intends to take a break from football at the end of the season. A move to Villa Park, therefore, would appear to be in the offing.
I'm sure there was something else.. I'm sure it'll come to me.
Let's do this.....
"Oh-ho-ho-ho, right. The God dude. Hey, I've got a question for you. Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?"
This juvenile writer makes no secret of his love of Disney animated films, so it came as no surprise to see the theory of the Circle of Life first proffered in The Lion King come into evidence this week. Thus, as one cumbersome striker who forged a career as a spokesman for McDonald's and sometime England goalscorer primarily via the act of elbowing opponents retires, another striker took his place.
Dean Ashton, unable to garner a chance by legal means, decided to elbow Mark Schwarzer in the face midway through the first half of West Ham's FA Cup semi-final clash with Boro. Schwarzer received lengthy treatment on the pitch before it was concluded that he wasn't able to continue. It was announced shortly afterwards that Schwarzer had suffered a broken cheekbone, an injury that will spell the end of his season and casts into doubt his participation in the World Cup.
Schwarzer's agent, Barry Silkman, was left in little doubt that Ashton's conduct had been reprehensible. "His challenge at best was very rash, but afterwards he was completely unprofessional," Silkman thundered. "He made no effort to even come and see Mark or speak to him, despite knowing what had happened. I think it is a disgrace the way he has behaved and thoroughly unprofessional. I cannot believe that he has not had the decency to even see what he has caused."
48-hours late, Dean Ashton finally got round to apologising. Well, kind of. "The challenge with Schwarzer was just one of those things, I was going up to try to score a goal and was looking at the ball," said Ashton. "Unfortunately I caught him, but these things happen. I don't put any blame on myself and if it happened to me I would take it." And isn't it a shame that the hamstring injury Ashton picked up against West Brom will probably rule him out of the FA Cup Final?
"It is very sad to see that he has injured himself badly," Ashton continued, before an anonymous voice from somewhere boomed, "HE DIDN'T INJURE HIMSELF, YOU DENSE SHITHOUSE- YOU INJURED HIM!"
"I didn't get a chance to speak to him after the game. I heard that he cracked his cheekbone, which is very sad - I had a similar injury last season so I know what it is like and it's not nice." Ashton sneered before running off to try and decapitate Brad Jones with a two-footed challenge.
"I apologise for that, but there was no malice intended." An apology that Alan Shearer - the man who described his act of stamping on Neil Lennon's face in 1998 by saying, "I had to tug my left foot free and the momentum of doing this looked on television like a kick" - would be proud of.
"Whether you suffer from glaucoma, or you've just rented The Matrix, medical marijuana can make things fabulous. Medically."
Having wiped his eyes and pinched himself, Steve McClaren spoke to ITV4 about Boro's incredible 4-3 aggregate victory over Steaua Bucharest.
Asked what had been the determining factor in Boro's second phenomenal comeback in three weeks, McClaren said, "I haven't got a clue," a statement that might have something to do with the FA's decision to offer the England job to Luiz Felipe Scolari.
Middlesbrough's Chairman also spoke to ITV4. "I'm absolutely speechless," Steve Gibson claimed, despite continuing to say, "If you wrote a script you wouldn't believe it. They never lost any heart and kept going. We are very proud to represent the country. If us and Arsenal can do the double it would be great."
Meanwhile, George Boateng reckoned, "It was just hard work in the second half. We had to find a way to win this game. After it went to 2-0 it was very difficult to climb the big mountain but when we came back and got the goal the belief started growing and in the last fifteen minutes we could see they were tiring."
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, never short of good quotables, said, "Massimo, I love him until I die. We had to do it the hard way. It's unbelievable. We are in the final and we have to go for it in the final."
Speaking of which, the soon-to-be sainted, Massimo Maccarone said, "I-a can't-a believe-a it-a. It-a is-a incredible-issimo," before doing his best to avoid hoards of Boro fans eager to plant their lips on his sweaty, bald noggin.
"Going cold turkey isn't as delicious as it sounds."
The Sun - frustrated that their man, Martin O'Neill lies well behind Steve McClaren in the betting stakes - revealed on Saturday that the Middlesbrough manager had an affair with his secretary; a woman that photos in the News of the World reveal bears uncanny resemblance to Bebe from Frasier.
"I don't know why this has come out at this time but I want to clear it up," McClaren told The Sun, as this writer had a terrifying vision of the ginger Yorkshireman asking to pass him the tissues, "I was separated from my wife a year ago and had a three-month affair. It ended at the end of August last year and I went back to my wife in September."
"I feel this is a private matter but in view of speculation about myself and the England job, I felt I had to clarify the situation. I felt I should be honest and open. But I am puzzled as to why, after all this time, these rumours are suddenly surrounding me," McClaren concluded, as a 'writer' for The Sun went through his dustbin and a paparazzi took a photo of him with his dressing gown opened suggestively, "I now want to draw a line under this and concentrate on my family and Middlesbrough."
Clearly this is a very important matter that The Sun feels will affect McClaren's ability to get his team to major finals. On the other hand, given real life events this week, it might not.
"Okay, let's see. 'Toke as needed. Caution: Objects may appear more edible than they actually are."
Having fielded a collaboration of his under-15s and over-65s against Everton, Steve McClaren hailed the young players who played in Boro's narrow defeat at the Riverside.
"We came off and lost the game, but I would have been disappointed coming off at 0-0," a not-very-bothered-at-all McClaren told Sky Sports.
"The kids were marvellous, we made nine changes and they came up against a strong Everton team but still dominated long periods of the game," McClaren said as he checked his calendar to see whether it was 10th May yet. "We had quite a few opportunities and there are a lot of plusses, Tony McMahon coming back, David Wheater was immense and young Adam Johnson on the left showed his true potential."
McClaren also confirmed that he will be playing an under-strength team in Boro's remaining and thoroughly meaningless three league games.
"We are preparing for a final and we are using these games to give the players experience and we will do that in the games at Old Trafford, Bolton on Wednesday and at Fulham next Sunday. This is preparation time and everything is geared towards 10th May," McClaren continued while scribbling the names Cooper, Proctor, Ripley and Hignett on the provisional team-sheet for Wednesday's match with Bolton. "Gareth Southgate is working day and night to make it, Jimmy has gone back to Holland to try and make it and we have rested Mark Viduka, so hopefully by 10th May we should have a fully fit squad."
McClaren's approach is sensible, but with Boro's record, expect at least fourteen players to succumb to leprosy, polio, small-pox and tuberculosis in the following week.
"I tried heckling them. I tried jeckling them. It's time I made myself a scarecrow."
After watching his side play a Wayne Rooney-less Manchester United off the Old Trafford pitch for large portions of their match on Monday, Steve McClaren admitted that he was enjoying watching Boro play at the moment.
"I'm really enjoying watching them right now," the soon-to-be England manager admitted to Sky Sports, revealing this column's knack of transparent repetition. "We got the result the performance deserved."
Asked to comment on the England manager's job, McClaren said, "I've nothing to say on England speculation," which pretty much confirmed that Steve McClaren will be revealed as the next manager of England by the end of the week. Unless Sam Allardyce's embarrassing begging routine pays off, of course.
The Skinny
Thursday night proved wrong the old adage that nothing's as good the second time around. In fact, given that it secured a place in the final, Massimo Maccarone's goal might have caused more instances of cardiac arrest on Teesside than his strike against FC Basel did. If Sevilla take a three goal lead in the final and the bald Italian comes off the bench, they may as well wave the white flag there and then.
Meanwhile, Steve McClaren might have taken charge of Boro at The Riverside for the last time, which is kinda weird. Given McClaren's rather ordinary league record, a 1-0 defeat in a humdrum game against Everton seems like a fairly fitting swansong.
And with that....
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