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THE COLIN COOPER ISSUE 8-5-06
As someone who eats salmon and cream cheese bagels with stomach-rotting regularity, it came as no surprise to learn that the Tottenham squad had come down with food poisoning.
But while a bout of the trots may have cost this writer his dignity, pride and a pair of perfectly good Diesel jeans, it has never cost him the estimated £10million that Spurs have lost out on after yesterday's 2-1 defeat to West Ham.
Congratulations to Arsenal, who now know that the hiding they'll receive from Barcelona on Wednesday week will have no bearing on their appearance in next season's Champions League.
Let's do this...
"Powerful stuff! And now he's going to make a documentary about Springfield Elementary, which I assume will be glowing and positive unlike all of his previous other work."
After months of faffing by the FA, Steve McClaren has finally been confirmed as the new England manager and will take charge of the national side on 1st August.
"This is the biggest honour any coach can have, and is obviously the highlight of my career," McClaren beamed, his recently whitened teeth sending a nearby rabbit scuttling into the bushes, "It's a massive challenge and one that I welcome. I have hugely enjoyed my time at Middlesbrough and am very grateful to the club. However, this was an opportunity I couldn't refuse."
McClaren's first game as England manager will be against Greece on 16th August. Having won Euro 2004 on the back of some ugly punt and rush football, Greece will probably give the closest approximation of what England might have looked like had Sam Allardyce's application been successful.
"The last time those meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed it on the Irish. We hanged more than a few."
Following Steve McClaren's appointment as England manager, Keith Lamb has confirmed that Middlesbrough have begun the search for their new boss.
"Of course, as of 16th May, Middlesbrough will now be without a manager so Steve Gibson and I will turn our attention to finding a replacement," Lamb said to Sky Sports, making it sound like they haven't already lined up their number one candidate.
"We will take some time to consider our options in this matter," Lamb declared, "but can assure Boro supporters that any decision will be made with the intention of continuing to take the football club forward, building on the work that Steve has carried out over the last five years." And maybe throwing in the occasional top six league finish, Lamb could've sniped but didn't.
Meanwhile, Steve Gibson told www.mfc.co.uk, "I'm disappointed for us but pleased for Steve and I always felt if Steve McClaren got the England job it was because he has succeeded here. He deserved the job and I wish him well."
"We have had a lot of calls and a lot of people putting their names forward," Gibson admitted, regarding the search for a new manager, before paying homage to McClaren by admitting, "Five years ago when Bryan Robson left I had a limited number of people interested in the job, this time I have greater number of people interested and I think that is a measure of the stature of the club, so we have a lot of available options open to us."
Early speculation from bookies has put the following names in the frame to succeed McClaren: Alan Curbishley, Martin O'Neill, Paul Jewell, Terry Venables, Tony Mowbray, Dave Penney and Kayserispor's talented young manager, Ertugrul Saglam.
"I can't read porno by candlelight. Who am I? Abe Lincoln?"
Angling for a job on the Dutch tourism board, Franck Queudrue has slammed Uefa's decision to hold the Uefa Cup final in Eindhoven.
Fans of Boro and Sevilla have both received just over 9,000 tickets for the final via their respective clubs, which is being held in the 35,000 capacity Philips Stadion.
Queudrue is furious that so few Teessiders will be able to watch the biggest match in Boro's history. "The Uefa Cup final should be held in a big stadium," Queudrue raged, eying up the 114,000-seater Estadio Azteca in Mexico, "I haven't got enough tickets for my family and seeing so many Boro fans without tickets is not right."
This act of empathy might be Queudrue's last at The Riverside as he confirmed to the News of the World that he will be considering his future at the club this summer.
"I've had a good season and now I am ready for a new challenge. I know the Middlesbrough board won't let me go easily, it all depends on the offers they receive," said Queudrue, desperately trying to catch Rafa Benitez's wandering eye.
"My agent has had contact with Liverpool and it's very frustrating as they are a massive club, but there are other clubs in England following me. I'd love to stay in the Premiership as it's so passionate," Queudrue offered by way of conclusion, leaving this writer wondering if he'd asked Boudewijn Zenden for his opinion on the matter.
"Springfield's pro-darkness policy has resulted in a spree of vandalism unmatched since the Detroit Tigers last made the playoffs over two centuries ago. The government has issued an orange alert, which, once again, means nothing."
Sevilla midget, Javier Saviola has spoken to Sky Sports ahead of the Uefa Cup Final.
"For an Argentinean, victory over an English club is always sensational. Many people in my country are now fans of Sevilla for this reason alone," the 5ft 5" Saviola squeaked, giving evidence of the loyalty which is so closely associated with Argentina.
"Boro have demonstrated that they are dangerous until the 90th minute and they have experienced players like Hasselbaink, Viduka, Rochemback, Yakubu and Ray Parlour," said Saviola, clearly taking the piss. "So although it is their first final, they are not rookies in the world of football."
Meanwhile, former West Bromwich Albion midfielder, Enzo Maresca is also likely to play for the Spaniards and is looking forward to facing English opposition again. "We'll see a clash of styles in the final. We'll be the technical side and they'll be the physical one," claimed a player deemed not quite good enough to compete with the likes of Crewe Alexandra and Wycombe Wanderers.
"I wish God were alive to see this."
Steve McClaren told of his pride after watching Middlesbrough's youngest-ever Premiership side lose narrowly at Fulham.
Heidar Helguson's late penalty gave the home side all three points, but Boro's team - which had an average age of 19, until the appearance of Colin Cooper pushed it up to 62 - dominated for much of the game.
"It is a proud moment in the history of Middlesbrough," McClaren gushed, "The chairman wanted to create an academy that eventually would produce eleven home-grown players and you saw that today, but this was not an exercise for that. We came here to win the game and it was an incredible performance for such a young team and we nearly pulled it off."
"We have had four games this week and we had to get through it. I did not want to use any of the senior players today," McClaren admitted as a rather bemused 27-year-old Malcolm Christie looked on.
The Skinny
Yesterday's game at Craven Cottage might have been viewed by many as a meaningless kickabout, but it offered a glimpse into the future of football.
Off the field, Middlesbrough and Fulham fans sat together in the sunshine without segregation and enjoyed a good-natured afternoon. After recent trouble with AS Roma fans, it was a reminder of how things should be.
On the field, Lee Cattermole captained Boro for the first time. Giving another assured, dominating performance, Cattermole is likely to wear the armband again in the future. Matthew Bates, as has become the norm, offered another imposing performance at centre-half and Adam Johnson proved that the art of jinking wing-play is far from dead.
Those in attendance at Craven Cottage also got to pay tribute to an important player from Middlesbrough's past as Colin Cooper played what is very likely to be his last match for the club. It was with no small amount of sorrow that we watched him leave the field in a red shirt for the final time.
The word 'legend' is bandied around far too easily nowadays, but having began his Boro career in 1984 and having racked up 323 appearances during his two stints at the club, Colin Cooper is a legend at Middlesbrough Football Club. It's the hope of this column - and, one suspects, every Boro fan - that Cooper continues to work closely with Middlesbrough's legends of tomorrow. He truly is one of a kind.
That's it for this season. I'll be back in August with the same old jokes and lazy stereotypes, only the whole thing will go by another name. Now there's a cliff-hanger for you.
And with that...
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