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BIG LAWRY'S REGIONAL ROUND UP 3-8-05
He's a living legend from around the working men's clubs on Wearside. He brings with him his somewhat forthright and confusing views on the game and how it should be played. And a bit of an unhealthy interest in big strong young men. Big Lawrence Fullwell - The North-east's top illiterate football writer.
Alright? Now then. Lawrence Fullwell is the name but all my mates call me Big Lawry, and I'll be giving yous Smoggies a weekly round-up of what's gannin' on in the north east and Newcastle every week.
Now myself I am a fair guy. I diven't wanna cause neh bother like. I love me footie and the Sunderland have always been on top of my list when I write me Christmas cards to Santa.
And the footie starts soon an meself am well looking forward to the Black Cats striking the field and rubbing wor selfs against the big boys.
We have made some quality players on the singing front, although I can't remember any of the names off the top of my heed, but doubtless they will perform and we will soon see the mighty red 'n' white stripes on the march to glory like Old Nat King Cole and his ten thousand men up the hill.
Now yurselfs have again spent the money on new faces and ah divin't mean the TV show either. Mind you, it might be the only talent contest yeh could win in the old cut and thrush of Premiership football. I said to wor lass only last week that the smogs had some quality players like but they don't seem to coat the mustard when the season kicks in full swing like Dave the dancer from the social club like.
Mind you the mighty fucking Toon are in shit alley again. What a pig's breakfast they have up there. I tell ya, all they need is Barbara Windsor for the full Carry On team. And even her knockers might fail to impress now that Big Al is on his last legs and looking like wor mother-in-law when she has been on the cooking sherry again.
I predict that Sunderland will hold their own and keep it tight when the crunch comes. I am looking for some big hard men to perform at the back and show us how to push forward.
I doubt you lot will rise above the top ten. I mean your squad looks like a fucking Dallas carpet. All very nice till ya get the twat home and the dogs piss all over it and ya fucked for a stain remover, if ya follow me like.
The Toon I think will have a right rough time. They have no idea on how a football club should be run and the players they have are more interested in how they look than playing. A right bunch of puffs if ya ask me.
In the forthcoming derby games I think we should have the element of surprise over you and the Toon. I feel like we could sneak up on yer like a ferret on heat and jump down yer kecks and give yer a real shock.
I remember only too well how the Sunderland used to beat you lot regularly back in the old days before I met wor lass and could actually enjoy life. She was a canny lass when I first met her like, we was at it like rabbits and she loved to try anything new, so I told her 'bout them dirty old Swedish twats who let their wives shat on the glass coffee table while yer wank underneath. I managed to persuade her like and she gave it a go, only for her fucking mother to walk in unannounced and catch us at it. I tell yer I had a hell of a time convincing her that I was a bit dyslectic and I thought the instructions said the table was shat proof instead of shatter proof and we was just testing it out...
Anyhows, what of the other two teams in the north east? Well Hartlepool are a solid young side and meself, I like to see young lads working hard and getting all sweaty for a bit of the old rough and tumble like, so I fancy Pools for a play-off spot at least.
Mind you Darlo are a different box of fish. They have a few too many old lads there and they need the legs of some nice young boys to make up for all the old ex-smogs in the squad like. I see Darlo around mid table but they could reach higher if they get it right from behind.
So I will see yer all next week and remember, there is only Sunderland in the north east who can hold our heads out and say we are Sunderland.
Until next week.
Big Lawry
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