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THE RIVERSIDE DIARIES 28-3-05
I'm standing in for James Bassett and taking over his Monday morning slot this week. James took a trip to Hurworth to try and grab a few words with some of the players last week and is now in Middlesbrough General having corrective surgery on both knees. Get well soon JB.
So with notepad and pen at the ready, I donned my reporter's trilby and dirty old rainmac and made my way to the heart of the action.
Sunday 20th March
It's Boro v Southampton at The Riverside and the expectation that our elimination from Europe three days earlier would spur the team on to greater things evaporates quickly with a performance that can only be described as "Bloody Rubbish!" really.
Steve McClaren upsets the fans by criticising the heckling and booing that starts to ring out after the first two minutes of play. For the first time ever, Mc is sounding under pressure and his usual positive spin is starting to appear a little transparent.
Chris Riggott gives an honest assessment of the day's efforts. Or lack of effort, as the case may be; "We were "Bloody Rubbish!" and have to do better..." said Chris. Well I think that's what he said....
Monday 21st March
The players are given a week off as speculation amongst the fans concerning Steve McClaren's imminent departure reaches fever pitch.
Names of possible replacements being bandied around include Tony Mowbray, Gordon Strachan, Claudio Ranieri, Neil Warnock, Kevin Keegan and Ronald Koeman.
And just to give the story journalistic credibility, Martin O'Neill's hat is thrown into the ring by some lazy southern journos who haven't realised that O'Neill's 'stop-gap' job at Celtic has lasted for over three years now.
Come midnight, Steve McClaren is still Middlesbrough manager as the players take a holiday in various sunny locations in South America and Asia. After five exhausting journeys to Europe this season, a change of location was in order.
I'll tell you what. They'd never have got a holiday in David Jack's day. After a "Bloody Rubbish!" performance like that, he would have had them back for extra cross-country training and made them clean out the bogs on their day off!
Tuesday 22nd March
Radio Five Live announce a 2:30 press conference at The Riverside. Speculation mounts that the manager has been replaced and that Martin O'Neill has been spotted at The Riverside.
One hour later, Radio Five Live are forced to issue an apology after their switchboard is besieged by crazed Boro fans demanding to know what is going on.
A club spokesman, probably Comical Boro, makes a statement; "There is nothing happening here. There are no infidel managers on Teesside today..!"
Wednesday 23th March
Steve McClaren leaves Middlesbrough...
He arrives at the England training camp in Manchester where he meets his Swedish assistant and tactics for Saturday's game with Northern Ireland are thrashed out. McClaren opts to try something different to his usual Boro game plan and it is agreed that the available players will be played in their natural positions. With the exception of Stewey Downing who will be rested, as he is officially on holiday.
Keith Lamb appears in the press and states that we really do want to be in Europe next season. Keith is so insistent about our Euro ambition that you simply have to believe him, although a video re-run of the Southampton game may suggest otherwise...
Thursday 24th March
Barry Silkman, dodgy Cockney football agent with an equally sounding dodgy name raises the stakes for a big money Summer Yakubu move.
In the absence of the manager, Silkman says that Boro have secured Yakubu's services for seven million quid and that he will sign as soon as the transfer window opens.
Newcastle bound Yakubu makes no comment but Pompey chairman Mandaric does speak to the press; "I can't deny that there has been dialogue..." With Freddie Shepherd, he should have added...
Carlo Nash leaves the Boro for the dizzy heights of Preston North End. It's always a shame to see a distinguished player leave the club. But I don't think we'll miss Carlo that much...
And apparently, Mark Viduka will leave Boro in the Summer. What an utter load of "Bloody Rubbish!" that story is! Mark is back in the side in a week or so and he is going nowhere. You heard it here last.
Friday 25th March
Yet more speculation as Bolo Zenden states that he may have to consider his options if Boro don't make it into Europe next season.
The problem is solved when a hurriedly filled out entry form for this summer's Inter Toto Cup is faxed to Geneva.
Representatives of Fenerbahce, PSV Eindhoven and Shalke 04 are sighted in various locations around Teesside. Apparently, their cover was blown by the diagrams of next season's possible Champions League group stage fixtures that were sticking out of their jacket pockets...
Saturday 26th March
Steve McClaren's England destroy Northern Ireland with four early second half goals. The media gush about a dynamic England performance as memories of July '66 are rekindled and the fantasists start pumping up England's chances of bringing home the trophy from next year's World Cup.
Well to be fair, it wasn't a bad performance at all but we were playing Northern Ireland. No disrespect at all to our country-folk from the top part of the Emerald Isle but they're a "Bloody Rubbish!" football team and it's not fair to them to start going all patriotic just because we saw them off. Let's wait until we play a team with a top ten ranking before we start getting all over optimistic.
Stewart Downing is not named in the England starting line-up. Or on the bench and at 3:00 on Saturday, is spotted building sandcastles on Blackpool beach.
Sunday 27th March
Steve McClaren gets a double page spread in the "Bloody Rubbish!" Sunday People and in The Sunday Telegraph and makes the following statement;
"I don't like that word entertainment..." Martin O'Neill was unavailable for comment.
More "Bloody Rubbish!" by Harry Haverton coming your way next weekend.
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