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THE RIVERSIDE DIARIES AUGUST 2005
The wheels of commerce turn ever more slowly in the football transfer world and those who are the fastest survive. Or become odds on to be the first management casualty of the season, ala Souey up the road.
Boro bought two players. One had a tropical disease and another had a big fuck-off bandage on his head.
The tropical disease cleared up but the Australian with the bandage on his head got banned for 15 years for doing a Souness in his last game for Railway Station Prague.
Back at Hurworth, Bolo Zenden shit himself and ran off to Liverpool when he saw a huge Nigerian striker walking around with a sack on his head shouting "unclean, unclean".
Liverpool finished three points and two places above Boro last season. I hope he's happy there. I hope the medical facilities are as good as they are at Boro.
Zenden leaves Anfield with his first wage packet
The Boro top brass made several attempts to fill the gap left by Zenden but nobody wanted to sign for us. Apart from another Austrian who had become mates with Vids and Skippy at the Confederations Cup.
But The Gaffer sent him away and our lowly neighbours up the road took him instead. He'll be OK up there because I know that Souey likes a drink as well.
Jimmy got injured before the season started but recovered in time to collect his win bonus for the Carlisle match. Nobody got one for the Darlo game because somebody phoned the coppers and said that terrorists had planted a bomb in the stadium.
Steve McClaren was not seen to be on the McPhone at the time the call was made but Bill Beswick had apparently been asking around for 20p pieces.
There were loads of other injuries in pre-season training, including Stewey Downing who missed an England trip and Malcolm Christie breaking his leg again, I think.
We tried to offload Szilard Nemeth to Dynamite Moscow but after the clubs agreed a fee but The Lizard refused to leave. Joseph Job wouldn't go either, despite West Ham and Crystal Palace both showing strong interest. These continental types just don't know when they are not wanted.
We also made a big effort to offload Missimo Maccarone to Italy but he wouldn't go either.
Mr Sir Steve Gibson talked to the local press and told them to stop inventing ridiculous transfer stories. They didn't. Mr Gibson revealed the club's transfer targets as well.
At this stage I had a vision of Tony Mowbray storming into the Lisbon stadium and shouting "Ow, you's two. Airport, now! Yer playing for Boro on Saturday!"
Boro Kicked off the season with an impotent goalless draw against Steven Gerrard. The scousers fielded Windy Miller on the wing and he was booed vociferously every time he went near the ball. Which was not very often.
Mark Viduka was rested for the opening game after having a fifteen minute run out for Austria two months previously.
Boro went to Spurs for game two and despite dominating, lost the match two-nil after The Boss decided we were attacking too much at one down and went all defensive. Mark Viduka was rested after playing five minutes of the Liverpool game.
Then it all came good at Birmingham three days later as Boro ignored The Boss' instructions and played a solid game that resulted in strikes on goal and a resounding three-nil win.
Mark Viduka has been given the rest of the week off apparently.
Tony Mowbray rang his estate agent in Yarm and asked him to hang on for a couple more months.
The Boss has finally realised that Mendieta is not a winger and will no doubt try to flog him to Bradford now.
Best of all, Emanuel Pogotitz has had his ban reduced by the Russians and is now available to play. A large container with Bulkhaul stamped on the side and filled with expensive goods from the West was seen arriving at Moscow docks just before the ban was lifted. Possibly.
Trouble is, Pogotitz got injured in training just before the Birmingham game and joins our ever increasing calamity list. At this rate, we'll have to get Mark Wilson back from Livingstone. Hang on. Wasn't Livingstone a doctor? Oh, I get it...
Here's what happened in the rest of football during the summer and early August.
Alex Fergie started his psychological games early, claiming the title was now Chelsea's to lose. In mid August.
BBC producers decided to liven up Match of the Day by bringing back ITV's Tactics Truck. Driven by West Brom's Lee Hughes.
A Londoner names his baby son after the entire West Ham team. Relegation Fodder Thomson faces a life of misery.
Two days into the Championship season, Harry Redknapp claims "We're down to the bare bones."
Newcastle are involved in a new roasting scandal. But Kieron Dyer claims he was nowhere near the canteen when the potatoes weren't properly basted.
Crystal Palace win a £10 million sponsorship deal as Iain Dowie becomes the new face of Laboratorie Garnier.
Mohamed Al Fayed realises what Chelsea's bank balance is and launches a new away strip - 'green with envy'.
Lee Bowyer misses two Intertoto Cup games because of a troublesome calf. It refuses to leave his hotel room in the morning.
Sunderland are tipped to stay in the Premiership for three seasons. Autumn, Winter and Spring.
Liverpool are without beanpole striker Peter Crouch for two months after the lanky streak of piss strikes a low bridge.
Sunderland copy the Greek defensive system, appointing Willie Donachie and Phil Babb as coaches, just so they can boast a Donachie Babb combination.
Gerard Houllier finally admits to being involved in transfer fraud. "It's true," said Houllier, "I did get Birmingham to pay £6million for Emile Heskey."
Alan Shearer falls out with the Newcastle groundsman after his lack of pace causes him to leave a glistening slug-like trail across the pitch.
Hernan Crespo is forced to give up his hobby of pheasant shooting after complaining that the game over here moves too fast for him.
Sunderland keeper Kelvin Davies installs an answerphone on his six yard line with the message, "Sorry I'm not in but leave the ball in the back of the net and I'll get back to you."
Man United launch a fifth away kit made entirely of Velcro. It's called 'the rip-off'.
More bad news for Rio Ferdinand as thieves steal his prized collection of books. Worse, he hadn't even finished colouring half of them.
The Riverside Diaries will be back next month...
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