"BLOODY RUBBISH" 29-11-05

A recent poll on the ComeOnBoro.com message board suggested that 98.19% of all readers would like to see the "Bloody Rubbish" column return. So by popular demand, Harry's back to slag everyone off again with his own brand of charm, eloquence and wit...

From The Sun

Leeds officials will study CCTV footage of their fans in a bid to identify those responsible for ruining Millwall's tribute to George Best. A section of travelling Leeds fans disrupted the minute's silence at The Den with sick chants, forcing the referee to abandon the mark of respect after just nineteen seconds. A Leeds spokesman said: "We are disappointed at the reaction of a minority of fans who failed to observe the period of silence at Millwall. "We have already been in touch with Millwall FC to see if there is anything they can do to identify those responsible."

Typical Leeds Bloody Rubbish United! I had quite a few letters of complaint after I wrote Bates United back in January from disgruntled Leeds fans who were upset about me kicking them while they were down. Well if you want to know why everyone hates you then I can give you two very good reasons.

One, it's because of incidents like Saturday when you just show the world what a rotten load of bloody rubbish you really are. Second, it's because you're a load of classless bloddy rubbish, that's why. I hope you get Manchester United in the cup, so they can pay you back for that. Mind you, you probably won't get as far as the third round because you're just a load of bloody rubbish really.

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Alan 'Elbows' Shearer, also speaking in The Sun

"We won't be panicking even though we've lost the last two games. We know we're capable of better. With the games coming thick and fast we're confident we can get another few good results in quick succession."

What do you mean - ANOTHER few? The last time the Geordies had a few good results was when there was a mass player walk out in around 1921. And Alan, you're not capable of better, as Wigan will prove tomorrow when they knock you out of the Carling Cup. As for panicking, well you lot have been doing that for years I reckon. Ever since Freddie Shepherd took over. Living in a bloody rubbish dreamworld the whole lot of 'em.

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Sunderland legend Jim Montgomery on Peter Crouch, from The Mirror

The hapless Liverpool striker must be rubbing his hands at the prospect of tomorrow's Stadium of Light clash and has been backed by the ex-Mackem goalie to end his goal drought by bagging a hat-trick against Sunderland.

Well they must have made the goals bigger at Joker Park because I couldn't see bloody rubbish lanky bean-pole Crouch scoring in The Bongo at happy hour. I do admit that Sunderland are about as bloody rubbish as it's possible to be but Peter Crouch is even more bloody rubbish. More bloody rubbish than those bloody rubbish Gerodies even and that's saying a lot.

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An 'exclusive' from The Mirror, allegedly.

Sheffield United will try to bring Graham Taylor back into football management - if Neil Warnock joins Portsmouth as boss...

What a bloody rubbish idea and they can definitely wave goodbye to their Premiership ambitions if they do that. Mind you, it could be quite funny to hear the cries of "Do I not like that" and "Linesman, you just got me the sack" again. No he didn't Graham. You got yourself the sack for being a bloody rubbish manager and not qualifying for the World Cup which is a bloody rubbish thing to happen to a mighty nation like England. I'm starting to sound like one of them bloody rubbish Geordies now...

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Quinton Fortune is quoted in The Mail.

"I want to get some action and if it does not come then it will be necessary to think about something else."

Well I know what Fergie's reaction to that would have been. "Quinton who?" The bloody rubbish midfield 'player' has been at United for six years now and cost a million and a half. What a bloody rubbish waste of money that was. Fergie would have been better off spending it on shares in United. Oh, hang on a minute....

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Back to Sunderland and beleagured manager Mick McCarthy gave an honest assessment of his team.

"We'll try and right all our evils. Everyone's expecting them to spank us. We'll have a chat and see what the players think. We've got to have more fight, a bit more of a scrap. If we're as limp-wristed as we were against Birmingham on Saturday then it ain't going to happen."

Spankings? Limp-wristed? Dear me Mick, it sounds like you've got a bunch of bloody rubbish nancy-boys in your team. I suppose being BOTTOM of the league is appropriate then.

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From The Daily Mail, who are obviously short of a story.

Fiery Italian Nancy Dell'Olio has revealed the pre-match ban on sex for players does not extend to her partner, England boss Sven-Goran Eriksson. The squad is reputedly barred from having sex the night before a game to improve performance on the pitch, but Miss Dell'Olio says the rules are a little 'different' for the head coach.

Well obviously, Nancy would have to go on top as bloody rubbish England manager Eriksson can only fuck up.

Until next time.

Harry Haverton