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ROLL UP, FREE POINTS FROM SANTA BORO 22-12-05
Have you ever considered the lot of the professional footballer as you tuck into another helping of roast spuds and turkey or as you dollop more cream onto the chrimble pud?
Or to narrow it down a smidgeon, what the average professional player at the Boro would be doing on Christmas Day and for the whole festive period?
Certainly not scoffing his head off till he's so full he could be a stunt double for Bibendum (The Michelin Man) and the only way out is an alcohol fuelled afternoon nap in the bairns bedroom with the pillow over your scone.
The poor buggers are effectively on call to play a compressed calendar of very competitive games on iffy surfaces in the freezing cold before a full house of over imbibers, burping and farting the Christmas cheer away.
Imagine poor Sir Gareth watching the family demolish a roast turkey looking like a small hippo while he gnaws at a raw carrot with a side helping of tofu on dry rice cakes.
Imagine what Mr Reliable thinks of that, Scrooge is alive and well and working for Bastards Incorporated at FA headquarters no doubt.
He would just be able to pull the wrapping off the new Lamborghini Gallardo, red of course, before an early night in preparation for the second game in five days with the three-point-stealers at the Riverside.
Is it finally time for the good of the game and the players, travelling fans, media, officials, ground staff, pie sellers, Bovril brewers etc., to look very, very hard at instituting a break of some form during the Yuletide holiday period?
Not a rhetorical question Marras, I'm throwing this one out there to the debaters and comedians of the hot New Holgate message board, in my opinion one of the best around. What do you Lads and Lassies really think?
What's prompted this subject of discussion is the fact that for once in my life, I am in a position where I do not have to consider work in any shape or form, because my previous life as a shift-worker has thankfully ended. This means that I can eat, drink, do whatever and go wherever I want without considering what days and hours I have to work. More importantly, I'll be with my loved ones when it's most important, celebrating at home.
Me, the Big Yin, and our respective clans, have just returned to Perth after a camping/boating sojourn to the South West of West Australia. A trip to Augusta's Molloy island region, where the Indian Ocean meets the Southern Ocean over the blustery rugged headland of Cape Leeuwin.
After a week of boating, water-skiing, BBQ's, over-eating, boozing and having a bladdy gud time with the bairns, I've returned refreshed, relaxed, recharged and totally invigorated. I am now looking forward to a bit more celebrating over Christmas on the eve, the day and Boxing day.
Personally, because of my own crap experiences of working at Chrimbo, I reckon that every bugger should be off on holiday spending quality time with the family at this time of the year.
Yes, including our heroes in red and white and the rest of the planet's professional footballers. They'd return the same as me, boosted, with the soul especially getting a good recharge away from the cauldron pressure of the EPL. They'd be much happier as they would have taken part in one of life's sharing periods, Christmas, instead of being on the periphery.
More importantly they could put their families first, who let's face it suffer the loss of Dad a fair bit during the season. Their focus would be family and friend orientated like the rest of us.
Why not! Besides do you ever see any of those politician people who drone on endlessly about productivity and reducing penalty rates working over any of our designated holiday periods?
Of course with every argument or proposition there are pros, cons and usually democratic argument and discussion producing a fair consensus with a workable result. It's simple in my book I'm afraid and my opinion is set. Just give the whole football world two weeks off to encompass Chrimbo and New Year, with Fifa calling the shots so that it is adopted by every national federation.
Which would mean NO football at all for fourteen days! No exhibition games, no training camps, no international get togethers, no financially lucrative Asian friendly tours, nee merchandise boosters, and definitely no use of the period to play catch up in cup competitions.
The down side for the players would be a shorter mid-year northern hemisphere summer break, but I am sure there would be overwhelming consensus from every one included in the game. Some of our European brethren already have a break and when you think about the amount of games lost to bad weather during a cold winter, we should be doing the same in Britain.
I have an ulterior motive and am also a bit selfish asking for this too as we, the great Middlesbrough Football Club 1986 are generally liquid shite over Chrimbo and New Year as we drop more points than a knife juggler having a mid-performance heart-attack.
The statistics, the bare facts of our inept seasonal performance make extremely stark reading indeed. Did you know that in the last ten seasons we have a dismal record over the period from Christmas eve through to New Year's Day and not including the FA Cup third round?
That's like asking did you know Jordan is more pneumatic than Kate Moss.
As card carrying Boro Wallahs of course you bloody know and are ashamed and bemused in equal proportions.
The statistics, which I've mapped out below, make very raw and sobering reading and frankly we've performed about as well as 'Big' John Holmes (No relation folks!) with brewer's droop at a shag fest!
Collation of data, commencing the 1995-96 season, all season's in the Premiership bar the one season in the Nationwide, 1997-98. This is our home, away and combined Xmas period performance over the compressed rush of Yuletide games:
| Home |
| P |
W |
D |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
| 10 |
6 |
1 |
3 |
18 |
13 |
19 |
| Away |
| P |
W |
D |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
| 14 |
0 |
3 |
11 |
5 |
19 |
3 |
| Total |
| P |
W |
D |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
| 24 |
6 |
4 |
14 |
23 |
32 |
22 |
In conclusion our away form is particularly appalling with not one single win in ten years and with a possible 42 points on offer we only gained 3, from inept draws.
Overall performance with the ordinary but acceptable home form added isn't exactly earth shattering with a total of 22 points from a possible 72. Relegation form. DOH!
This year is even more intense and truly will define our season as it's followed by an FA Cup third round banana skin at the other Boro, Nuneaton.
So, that's six games in seventeen whirlwind days with the four Premier fixtures wedged into a hectic eight day period. I'm knackered thinking about it never mind doing it.
Bah! Humbug! Start writing to the FA and Fifa and let's ban football over Christmas as it obviously doesn't suit our Beloved.
Enough Said.
ErimusRed.
A Very Merry Christmas to you all and your loved one's.
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