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CHRISTOPHER BEAN'S PREMIERSHIP PREVIEW 24-3-06
Hello one and all, it's Friday afternoon and it's the Premiership preview! Coming up, a not so in-depth and slapdash overview of the weekend's fixtures- but firstly a few words about last night.
I feel like I have pulled a sickie for no reason as the match was no more than a midfield battle with not that many clear cut chances, but at least we were in the hat, bag, test tube, anal probe, whatever the hell they use to draw the semi-finals and Liverpool and Chelsea will be mighty releived to have avoided us. Now on to the games for this weekend.
Liverpool v Everton
The first game this weekend is the Scouse derby. The red side of Stanley Park have been on a goal rampage in the last few games. After a barren spell for their strikers, they have bagged fifteen goals in three games. The Toffees have also been banging them in recently scoring nine goals in three. So the logic is this is going to be a thriller to match their FA Cup tie back in 1990 when they drew 4-4. But football is not a logical game at times and I am plumping for a stalemate.
Prediction 0-0
A 0-0 draw is 17/2 with Total Bet
Aston Villa v Fulham
Urgh, what a terrible match to preview as I believe this is going to be a clusterfuck of an event. Fulham have the worst away record in the league with only three draws to their name. Aston Villa are about as entertaining as syphilis at the moment and look a very disjointed team. They have lost three on the trot, and the air of discontent is growing by the week with the Villa Park faithful. If it was any other team I would go for an away win, but as it is Fulham, I will go for a draw. Expect O'Leary to complain about a Tornado jet breaking the sound barrier nearby which caused a sonic boom to shift the ball six inches away from Gavin McCann's head in stoppage time.
Prediction 1-1
A 1-1 draw is 11/2 with Total Bet
Chelsea v Manchester City
Chelsea have been shooting themselves in the foot recently. Their free-flowing passing style of football has gone down the swanny, and they have been scrapping for results recently. Manchester City have been providing some solid displays and are either winning or losing by the odd goal. Also the Mancunians have a good record against the Chavs of West London- they took four points off them last season. I can see this been a close game, but no doubt a Chelski player will throw a hissy fit when a City player touches their hair, or something of that nature. I reckon it will be another score draw.
Prediction 1-1
A 1-1 draw is 8/1 with Total Bet
Sunderland v Blackburn
The charity cases of the Premiership welcome a team who are in contention for the fourth Champions League spot. Not good reading if you're a Mackem, especially when they have not even managed to win a game at the Stadium of Shyte this season. Kevin Ball is either very brave or very foolish to take on the caretaker role, and I reckon Rovers will make fools out of the Black Cats defence, especially with Bellamy's pace.
Prediction 2-0 Blackburn
A 2-0 Blackburn win is 11/2 with Total Bet
Wigan v West Ham
At the start of the season the majority of the pundits thought these two newly promoted teams would do well to finish outside the bottom three. Well both teams have flung two fingers up to the media and have had a fantastic season up to date. Wigan reached their first ever major cup final in February and are currently eighth in the league. West Ham made the semis of the FA Cup on Monday night, and are lying tenth at the moment. So instead of a relegation scrap, it is a battle for contention for the European places. This should be a free-flowing attacking match, and enjoyable to watch on MotD with a pint and a pack of pork scratchings in the pub on Saturday night.
Prediction 2-2
A 2-2 draw is 14/1 with Total Bet
Portsmouth v Arsenal
It is amazing what happens when everything just suddenly clicks together 2/3's through a season, and Harry's January signings have shown signs of working as a cohesive unit in the last couple of games with Pedro Mendes their star attraction. The Arses have been poor away from home all season, but they did have an anomaly two weeks ago when they stuffed Fulham at The Cottage. I think however there will be a shock at Fratton Park on Saturday evening and Pompey will just nick it to get them equal on points with West Brom.
Prediction 2-1 Portsmouth
A 2-1 Portsmouth win is 16/1 with Total Bet
Middlesbrough v Bolton
The team we conquered in the Carling Cup Final in 2004 come to the Riverside on Sunday lunchtime after comfortably beating Sunderland 2-0 last week. Boro kept a clean sheet in the quarter-final on Thursday, after leaking three goals to Blackburn last week. No doubt we will have more changes in the team than a Michael Jackson concert, but I have noticed a trend in Bolton's recent results. Their form has been WLWLW. They won their last match so they will get beat Sunday!
Prediction 2-1 Boro
A 2-1 Middlesbrough win is 8/1 with Total Bet
Charlton v Newcastle
The Addicks welcome north-east opposition to The Valley for the second time in three days as the Barcodes go to the smoke. As I have been saying in past weeks, the early victories in Roeder's temporary reign were only a blip and normal service would soon resume. Well their poor defensive displays have returned and they will start to slide down the table once again, as the Skunks defence will not be able to handle Bent's pace. Jerome Thomas looks like a great prospect for Charlton, and will be a man to look out for in this match. A comfortable Charlton victory on Sunday causing more toil and trouble on Tyneside.
Prediction 2-0 Charlton
A 2-0 Charlton win is 15/2 with Total Bet
Manchester United v Birmingham
A not so happy homecoming for Steve Bruce this Sunday, as his side face a rejuvenated Manchester United side who have won their last five league games on the trot. Fergie will want to win this match to keep the pressure on Chelski who have been stumbling of late. Birmingham are in dire straits (and Mark Knopfler is not going to help them!) at the moment. They were spanked by Liverpool 7-0 in the cup, and another thrashing in front of the Sky viewers will probably deliver the axe to Brucie's neck, which I think will happen. Rooney will run riot on the Brummies defence.
Prediction 4-0 Manchester United
A 4-0 Manchester United win is 9/1 with Total Bet
Tottenham v West Brom
The Baggies take the trip to North London to face the Spuds at their fortress. At White Hart Lane Spurs have only lost once all season and I cannot see Captain Marvel's lads changing that as they have only won once away from The Hawthorns. A win for Spurs will consolidate their position at fourth and will have payable monthly instalments on a low interest basis until the end of the season. Spurs will win.
Prediction Tottenham 2-0
Well that's me done for another weekend, and before I go a little joke for you.
A Mackem is walking his dog down Seaham beach. Now this dog is the ugliest thing you have ever seen. It is old, inbred, malnourished, fur is falling off it in patches, has a gammy leg, blind in one eye and has half an ear ripped off. They strolled next to the sea and they found this old bottle. The Mackem picked it up, gave it a quick rub and out popped a genie.
The genie exclaims "Oh thank fuck for that, I have been trapped in there for a thousand years. As you have got me out of that wretched bottle I will grant you one wish."
The Mackem looking shocked about his discovery and ponders on what he should wish for. He soon quipped "Well see my dog there; he is in agony day in, day out. I would love you to make him younger, fitter and better looking so he can enjoy his life."
The genie has a look at the dog and says "You're having a laugh ain't ya? Have you seen the state of that thing, I'm not a bloody miracle worker. Have you got any other wishes?"
The Mackem, looking disappointed, soon responds, "well actually, I do. I'm a massive Sunderland fan, and I would love it if you could make them win the league."
The Genie says "Let's have another look at that dog."
Till next week - pip pip.
Christopher Bean / PRF
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