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CHRISTOPHER BEAN'S PREMIERSHIP PREVIEW 14-4-06
Hello everyone, the Premiership Preview is back after a fortnight's hiatus due to me leaving the slums of Heaton and returning back to my native Teesside.
It's good to be back here as I was getting sick of people talking about The Bill up there. I can now talk about football with everyone. There is also a new competition in this column this week. Between my rant on the upcoming EPL fixtures there will be some song titles hidden within my ramblings from a certain album. It will be your job to guess which album. Answers on the Message Board please. Mr Bassett- please give everyone a chance first.
Before I go on and preview the Easter feast of football, a quick look back on the world of Boro in the last two weeks. At last Steve McClaren's vocabulary is doing justice to what is actually happening on the field of play. We have been marvellous, magnificent, fantastic and not a rub of green insight. In fact it has been as sweet as honey. We have crushed Basle and Charlton to go on to two semi-finals, our academy lads outperformed an under-par Manchester City side and we let Newcastle beat us to ensure there were no more suicides north of the Tyne. My God they are miserable bastards at the moment, and long may it continue. Onwards to the Easter footballing festivities.
Manchester United v Sunderland
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Yes the inevitable is finally going to happen later this evening. The scruffy ones who refuse to sit down will be going back to the fizzy pop league. The Mackems are miraculously on course to smash their own record of the lowest points tally in the Premiership, having amassed just a paltry eleven points so far. If things were perfect Sunderland will win this match to let the Geordies put them out of their misery. The only way the Black Cats could survive is some divine intervention to occur or some machete wielding maniac to storm the Old Trafford pitch. However as that is very unlikely I can see the Red Devils run on to give their deckchair opponents a pasting, and remain trailing Sunderland Ladies by two points.
Prediction - Manchester United 7-1
Bolton v Chelsea
Bolton have nose dived in the last few weeks with their 4-3 defeat at Boro being the catalyst for their recent demise. They are in desperate need for a win to keep their European hopes alive. Chelsea have likewise been in dodgy form since Boro thumped them 3-0 and need the three points to keep some light between them and the rampant Manchester United. I think that Notlob might just out muscle Chelski on the day and it might be an interesting battle on the PPV screen. I would watch it myself but the Sky is broken in my household which is a bit of a bugger.
Prediction - Bolton 2-1
Arsenal v West Brom
When you are down in the bottom three with only a handful of games to go and desperately need points to climb the league ladder, the last thing you want to do is to be travelling to London to play Arsenal at Highbury. Robbo needs to do another Houdini act if WBA are to survive another season in the EPL but it is looking unlikely as their two rivals are starting to pick up results. Arsenal need a win to keep their Champions League hopes alive, but they are in the quandary of what team they should pick for this and for their semi-final against Villarreal later in the week. I still think the Gooners are going to nick it like and you can start up the orchestra, get the guitar, flute and strings playing as this could start the fat lady singing for the Baggies.
Prediction - Arsenal 2-0
Everton v Tottenham
The Toffees still have an outside chance of making Europe whereas Tottenham are still vying for the remaining Champions League spo, which Arsenal may nick from them, which would be hilarious. This should be a battle royal with quite a few scraps in midfield. I believe Everton will just take it due to the Spuds been bad travellers and my dislike of Tottenham. I would love it if they don't even qualify for Europe at all.
Prediction - Everton 2-1
Fulham v Charlton
Well Operation Riverside was a spectacular failure on Wednesday evening but why does my heart feel so bad? Actually it doesn't, they were spanked and The Addicks' players should be disappointed with their performance considering over 5,000 fans made the long journey up to the Riverside. Charlton have nothing to play for at the moment and Fulham have a decent record at home and could do with a win just to make double sure they are here for another Premier League season, but with it been a Cockney derby I reckon it will be a scrappy draw.
Prediction 1-1
Newcastle v Wigan
After watching another showing of Sun Hill's finest police drama, The Skunks welcome the Latics to St James'. Newcastle's season is pretty much over and they are looking rather lacklustre as of late, whereas Wigan are still in contention for a Uefa Cup spot and are draw specialists at the moment. But I think they will take all three points as Newcastle's defence is as fragile as porcelain. For Christ sake, Boateng scored past them last week!
Prediction - Wigan 2-1
Portsmouth v Middlesbrough
Boro Reserves travels to the south side of the country to visit Fratton Park. Pompey are in the midst of a relegation battle and desperate for the points. As for the Boro, well we aren't really arsed about the league any more. Come on, we are in two semi-finals baby! Expect to see the bodyrock of our defence sit on the sidelines and a few kids on in their place. I have to say its going to be a Pompey victory. They will be up for it whereas we are only there to make up the numbers. Also we always seem to get stuff down at Fratton. I blame that bloody cow bell.
Prediction Portsmouth 3-2
West Ham v Manchester City
Our FA Cup semi-final opponents welcome the team who succumbed to the Boro Academy only a couple of weeks ago. The ever-loving Hammers fans can't praise Pardew enough these days, which is a surprise considering he was on some East London hit lists not so long ago. Give credit where it's due, he has turned a mediocre championship side into a mid-table Premier League team with no rushing involved at all. It's gone a bit downhill for Physco's team recently. As he said himself they have looked like schoolboys recently. And with WHU playing so confidently at the moment I can't see anything but a home win.
Prediction 2-1 West Ham
Aston Villa v Birmingham
For crying out loud, how is O'Dreary still in a job at the Villa? They are playing poor football, the fans are shouting for his head, and the Irishman comes up with some poor excuses after the match. Deadly Doug must be going down the same road as Mike Baldwin. The natural blues side of Birmingham are still very much involved in the relegation dogfight and a win other their city rivals could result in three things. Confidence booster for winning the match, easing the burden of the dog fight, and hopefully the end of the Irish goit in charge of Villa. And I think it will happen. Expect O'Leary at the end of a match saying "Someone rang my mobile phone at the start of the match asking for a minicab, and tried to explain it is the wrong number and this went on for the entire first half, which obviously distracted the players."
Prediction 1-0 Birmingham
That's me done for another week. Until next Friday, have a good Easter, and remember, it's evil to nick your kid's chocolate eggs when they are not looking.
Chris Bean / PRF
Have I annoyed you? Have I made you laugh? Have I made you cry? Have I sent you to sleep? Well let me know in the Message Board.
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