|
|
THE ANTI NEWS - THE MICHELLE DESSLER ISSUE 21-8-06
James Bassett
Weren't England good?
Why, I simply can't recall a time when an England team showed that much passion. What's more, that utter rubbish team in blue that we played against are the European champions. And we beat them four-nil.
Four-nil! Oh, and didn't Jermaine Defoe do well? If only he'd been picked in the World Cup squad ahead of Theo Walcott. With his repertoire of poorly-timed runs, we'd surely have won the World Cup. Or, at the very least, his ability to be offside more than any player in the history of football would've surely caused a few foreign linesmen to get RSI.
Anyway, this superior performance was, of course, due to the fact that Steve McClaren is English. You might recall the previous manager, Sven Goran Eriksson, was foreign. So it's no wonder that a team containing Andy Cole, Nicky Barmby and Chris Powell only managed to beat Spain 3-0 in Eriksson's first match. With an Englishman in charge, England are officially brilliant again and are rightly the bookies favourites to win Euro 2008.
The man of the match? Well that'll be Canada-born, German-bred, Owen Hargreaves, of course.
Let's do this.....
"Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again, I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more."
Perhaps with his interest in Big Brother and Love Island dying down, new Boro captain, George Boateng needed something else to do with his spare time and decided to tell Sky Sports what every Boro fan has been saying for months: Middlesbrough dearly need a new centre-half.
"Gareth was immense for us and has left a big hole to fill," Boateng claimed as Anti News tried to stifle an immature guffaw. "But, as he has pointed out, it's easy to get average players who won't take us forward, but it is not easy to sign players who will improve the quality of the squad," the Dutchman added, to the surprise of the other nineteen Premiership managers who've all managed to bolster their squads during the summer.
"You don't have to be Einstein to know that Gareth needs someone to fill his shoes in central defence," Boateng concluded, presuming that even a man who has been dead for 51 years knows that Emanuel Pogatetz is shit.
"Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front. I'd better lower them. Ah! The dot also appears to be on my underpants. Well, down they go!"
No sooner had George Boateng opened his gob than Boro had agreed a fee with Manchester City for their captain, Sylvain Distin.
Distin, a rugged, lantern-jawed central defender and not, as Anti News had assumed, a family of cute, felt-covered, dungaree-wearing voles, has been sought after by Gareth Southgate for sometime and looked set to join the club this week. However, the former Newcastle centre-back, who, while a decent tackler, possesses all the balance of a Daily Mail article on asylum seekers, is believed to be holding out for a £40,000 wage, and the deal appears to have gone the way of Rodolph Douala, Steed Malbranque, Robert Huth and Brett Emerton, since Middlesbrough couldn't agree personal terms with the defender.
"We'd accepted an offer from Middlesbrough for him and I'm led to believe, at this moment, that he can't agree personal terms with them," Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce told Sky Sports News, no doubt in his patented village idiot way.
In the meantime, it looks likely that Chris Riggott will continue to be partnered by Emanuel Pogatetz in central defence which, even if we lose to Chelsea, should give the Austrian a chance to welcome Michael Ballack to English football with a choice headbutt.
"Who's your favourite Travelling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne?"
The mystery of what happened in the Riverside dressing room in January got a little bit deeper this week, when Gareth Southgate told a tabloid newspaper that he didn't enjoy coming to work earlier in the year. If Anti News was getting paid over £30,000 per week, we'd come to work with a smile on our face every single day. But we digress.
"This is a Premier League club, which has spent time in the upper reaches but it has still got a family feel to it," Southgate said, pouring the Daily Star a glass of milk and sitting them down on his knee, "Last year, that wasn't always the case - we didn't enjoy coming to work so much. It's vital that we achieve, but we've got a far better chance of doing that if there is a healthy atmosphere."
"I don't want to get into anything that will be seen as criticism of Steve McClaren," Southgate claimed despite having done just that, "If you look at Steve's era, it was a very successful period." The interview might have continued but Anti News' attention had long since been piqued by an advert promising a free video download of a Paris Hilton blowjob.
"It's always a dame, usually with gams that don't quit. 'til they get to the shoes. And then they're only napping."
Middlesbrough lost their first competitive game under the charge of Gareth Southgate after a spirited Reading side overturned a two-goal deficit to seal a 3-2 victory at the Madejski Stadium.
"We missed a great opportunity. They played like that because of the energy and spirit they showed last season," Southgate claimed, making it unclear which team he was actually talking about, "I am still learning and all I will ask of the players is why did they stop doing the good things that gave us a lead."
"There's no point getting angry at the moment. The players know their mistakes and we will talk about it Monday," Southgate concluded, failing to deliver the kick up the arse that so many of Boro's players appear to require.
And with that....
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
|
|
|
|
