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THE ANTI NEWS - THE BROKEN TV ISSUE 29-8-06
James Bassett
A pretty average footballer, with a hot temper and a propensity for violence took centre stage this week. Yes, Roy Keane returned to football as manager of Sunderland.
And, in a story that barely commanded any column inches, the hitherto unknown Ben Thatcher assaulted Pedro Mendes during last Monday's game between Portsmouth and Manchester City. Maybe it was a genuine attempt to win the ball, or maybe the dozy idiot still harbours a News Of The World inspired grudge against all things Portuguese, or maybe he's just a snarling, gutless thug who should be kicked out of football at the nearest opportunity.
Let's do this.....
"This one takes place in a make-believe kingdom called France. The French were fighting the English in the Hundred Years War, which was then called 'Operation Speedy Resolution'."
Middlesbrough secured their traditional win over Chelsea at The Riverside on Wednesday night.
After last season's 3-0 drubbing, Boro at least made a game of it this time, by leaving it until the 80th minute before scoring the inevitable equaliser and until the 90th minute before securing the winning goal.
"I said on Saturday, after we lost 3-2 to Reading, that football was a rollercoaster," Gareth Southgate told the BBC, as Ronan Keating burst into song somewhere nearby, "You saw that against Chelsea, but it was a different outcome."
"To come from a goal behind against a team of Chelsea's class is outstanding. To recover from going a goal down showed tremendous character," Southgate concluded, making it clear that Steve McClaren's shadow is still writ large across managerial practises at The Riverside.
Anti News might suggest that should we beat Mourinho at The Riverside next season we get to keep him, but - and not to get too American about this - it's clear we already own his ass.
"Victory? We're French! We don't even have a word for it."
Gareth Southgate confirmed this week that Boro have held talks with Portuguese peroxide addict and erstwhile steroid muncher Abel Xavier about the possibility of a return to the club, which he embarrassed by becoming the first Premiership player to be banned for the use of performance-enhancing drugs.
"I think his ban is up in October," said Southgate, "We have spoken to him because obviously he was our player when it happened and it's important that we keep in contact with people like that." In case James Morrison or Adam Johnson should finally decide that they need a simple and effective solution to bulking up their feeble frames, the Boro boss surely didn't mean.
Meanwhile, in Wednesday's training session, Xavier ran 100 metres in 8.7 seconds, turned green, and lifted up Stewart Downing with one arm and chucked him over the Transporter Bridge, before taking one look at his shrunken genitalia and wondering if it had really been worth it.
"Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a spaceship. The end."
Keith Lamb has poured scorn on Tottenham's 476th attempt to sign Stewart Downing.
After Spurs' humiliating defeat at home to Everton, Martin Jol sought to deflect attention from the inadequacy of his team by admitting on Match Of The Day that his side had made an improved bid for Downing.
Jol announced, "We made a very good bid for him. Our highesht bid to be honesht. He ish the number one player we want. We want the besht and for ush he ish the besht player."
Moments later, Keith Lamb released a statement to the official club site. "They have not made a £10m bid for Stewart and would be wasting their time if they did," Lamb raged, while furiously realigning his knuckle-dusters, "We can only consider that it was a mischievous attempt to unsettle Stewart and cause a problem between the player and his hometown club."
"Steve Gibson and I are appalled at the way conduct their business. We are shocked and disappointed that they should talk publicly about their interest in one of our players."
"We would be more interested in buying Aaron Lennon from Spurs than selling Stewart because we remain extremely ambitious to take this club forward. In fact, during the course of our talks with Spurs, we have already expressed our interest in signing Lennon," Lamb fumed, making clear his belief in the old adage: two wrongs, in fact, do make a right.
"And if your idea of a first date is burning down her village, you just might be. a Viking!"
Having soundly beaten the Premiership champions on Wednesday night, Middlesbrough resorted to type on Bank Holiday Monday and got thrashed 4-0 by an ageing but energetic Portsmouth side.
Having watched his team overcome a Boro side so toothless they made the mouth of Shane McGowan look positively well-stocked, Harry Redknapp told Sky Sports, "It was a good performance, we did ever so well."
Anti News would love to fill you in on Gareth Southgate's post-match comments, but at the time of writing he was probably busy hiding his embarrassment in the dressing room.
And with that....
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