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THE ANTI NEWS - THE LOS CARNALES ISSUE 11-9-06
James Bassett
After last week's unscheduled break, there's plenty to catch up on: Ashley Cole and William Gallas finally swapped clubs; West Ham somehow managed to get the services of two of the most sought-after players in world football; England thrashed Andorra then struggled against Macedonia. There might have been some other stuff, but it's late and Anti News is too tired to care.
Let's do this.....
"Because of your generosity, I bought sturdy shoes that will last for a thousand sambas!"
Boro's three deadline day transfers all spent a bit of time this week giving bromide statements to the press about why they want to play for a club that had just been beaten at home. By Portsmouth. By four goals.
Jason Euell, who joined for a nominal fee from Charlton, claimed he was, "over the moon" about the move, telling Sky Sports, "I've come to a massive club like Middlesbrough and it is a great way to get my career back on track." The versatile Euell is expected to challenge Gaizka Mendieta for a midfield berth. If history is anything to go by, the Spaniard will probably injure himself trying to jump out of it.
Jonathan Woodgate, meanwhile, told reporters that the opportunity to work under Gareth Southgate had been the deciding factor for him to return to Teesside. "Gareth is a nice bloke. You can talk to him. He doesn't have an ego. He was spot on and so was the chairman. They were brilliant when I met them."
Which is all very pleasant, but it was Robert Huth who stole the show with his opening remarks, telling reporters, "I was impressed by the way they looked after me and showed me round the training ground." A statement which left Anti News to consider that the sight of gladiatorial combat, barbed wire and landmines must be something of a turn-on for the lumbering Teuton.
"Ay caramba, que mujer tonta! Veinte horas estudiar por nada! Twenty hours of studying for nothing!"
Chris Riggott has been ruled out of action for two months after he damaged his ankle ligaments in -
surprise, surprise - training, and not, as Anti News suspected, by the addition to the squad of Jonathan Woodgate and Robert Huth.
"It is a real blow for Chris because it is a big season for him and he would not have wanted it to start in this way," Gareth Southgate told Anti News, via Sky Sports' news service, "He has matured as a player enormously over the last couple of years and it is a shame for him that he should pick up an injury like this at this point."
The news comes as a real blow to the former Derby defender who now faces an almighty skirmish to get back in the first team. However, all is not lost as Riggott's November return is likely to coincide with the start of Jonathan Woodgate's nine-hundred-and-fiftieth career-threatening injury.
"Listen, um.. I made a little scrapbook to remember the kidnapping. I'm still working on it, but as you can see, I've . aw, look! This is the cigarette butt you burned me with!"
A defensive masterclass from Jonathan Woodgate allowed Boro to leave The Emirates Stadium with a point, despite a refereeing performance that had Anti News wondering if Arsenal had got a replica Rob Styles free with their purchase of Ashburton Grove.
Despite Arsenal's dominance from the first whistle, James Morrison gave Boro the lead in the twenty-second minute, after exchanging passes with debutante Jason Euell.
The remaining sixty-five minutes consisted of Arsenal knocking the ball around Boro's eighteen-yard box and ignoring opportunities to shoot. The hosts, however, for all their possession, remained as creative as a condom and when they did decide to actually have shot, they found Mark Schwarzer in uncompromising form.
George Boateng was shown a second yellow card for falling over in the sixty-fourth minute and in the ensuing melee, Steve Round was sent to the stands for shouting at the too-pompous-for-words Styles. Just three minutes later, an out-of-sorts Stewart Downing upended Emanuel Eboue in the Boro box. Thierry Henry scored the resulting penalty.
In his post-match comments, Gareth Southgate chose to focus on the positives, dismissing the incident that led to Boateng's dismissal as, "Something we won't get to the bottom of and we have to get on with it. It is pointless questioning referees, hopefully these things will even themselves out."
"Our season really started again today - we were able to bring in a couple of players and we have had a couple of weeks to work on things." Such as, you know, defending and stuff, Anti News might venture.
And with that....
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