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THE ANTI NEWS - THE UWE ISSUE 18-9-06
James Bassett
Anti News certainly enjoyed Grand Slam Sunday and while it was heartening to see an Arsenal side that Boro shackled undo Manchester United with some ease, our favourite moment was listening to Sky Sports' second-choice clown act, Ian Dark and Alan Smith tell the viewing public that Mohammed Sissoko had been sent-off.
Then, several seconds later, they realised the difference between a black bloke wearing a red shirt with the number 22 and the word 'Sissoko' on it and a white bloke wearing a blue shirt with the number 13 and the word 'Ballack' on it, and announced that Michael Ballack had been dismissed for elbowing Sissoko. Nearly a minute passed before the commentary team realised what had actually transpired.
Anti News surely won't be the only one feeling the need to point out that particular incident of buffoonery next time their Sky Sports colleague, the risible Andy Gray feels it necessary to criticise a referee who has to accurately arbitrate an event within microseconds of it occurring.
Oh, and did anyone else laugh when - in the 54th minute - Ashley Cole caught Jermaine Pennant with a blow to the head?
Let's do this.....
"When you think about it, mud is nothin' but wet dirt."
Boro captain George Boateng has been ordered to rest for ten days after he injured his knee during a challenge on Swedish underwear model Freddie Ljungberg during Boro's 1-1 draw at Arsenal last weekend.
Of course, since Boateng was already suspended for the game at The Reebok, this barely qualifies as news. So, in an attempt to redress the balance, Anti News can report that Robert Huth came through his first game in a cheap and rubbish Boro shirt unscathed, as he played over an hour of the reserves 1-0 loss to Sheffield United.
"My ankle was solid, which was the main concern for me," Huth told reporters afterwards, "It was a good game for me to play in."
Ray Parlour also lined up for the reserves.
Anyone care?
Thought not.
"When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?"
James Morrison, who scored the opener in Boro's 1-1 draw at the Emirates Stadium last weekend believes that Stewart Downing has blazed a trail for the club's young players.
"I think it has go to be everybody's dream at the club to follow Stewart into the England squad," the 20-year-old told the Daily Star. Now, Anti News makes no attempt to hide its admiration for James Morrison, but he's clearly forgotten the eleven members of the senior squad that hail from other parts of the globe.
"We are all striving to get where he is and the fact that so many players at Boro have represented England at youth levels shows there could be more," Morrison continued, "We must be doing something right because there are England internationals all over the club."
Since Boro's England internationals include the perma-crocked Ray Parlour and Ugo Ehiogu, Anti News can only assume that when Morrison says "all over the club", he really means "the treatment table".
"Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime."
Boro claimed their first clean sheet of the season at The Reebok on Saturday after a 0-0 draw with Bolton.
Gareth Southgate claimed he was pleased with the performance, telling Sky Sports, "In the last two weeks, we have been very solid defensively and that was very important as Bolton ask a lot of questions of you," including "how many times can we punt the ball aimlessly upfield?" and "how did you like that elbow?" Anti News would hasten to add.
For the second week in a row, Jonathan Woodgate excelled and Southgate singled the on-loan defender out for special praise. "He showed today what a class act he is and he is an influence on the players around him," Southgate told reporters.
With George Boateng suspended, Woodgate wore the captain's armband and Southgate told of the defender's elation, admitting, "When I told him, his eyes lit up. It's obviously a boyhood dream come true and I was glad to be able to 'Jim'll Fix It' for him."
A nil-nil draw with Bolton isn't a great result but it's only when Southgate starts wearing heavy gold jewellery and a shell suit that we really have to worry.
And with that....
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