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THE ANTI NEWS - THE SCOTT MITCHELL ISSUE 2-10-06
James Bassett
To misquote Alan Hansen, when you talk about exciting weeks of football, you almost certainly aren't talking about the last seven days. Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United all won in their Champions League matches, Paul Scholes was admonished for calling a Portuguese diver a "poof" and Arsene Wenger celebrated ten years in charge at Arsenal.
All of which is useful only to delay getting on with describing the malaise that Boro currently find themselves in. But Anti News is anything but a procrastinator, so, without further ado..
Let's do this.....
"All right, step away, foolish amateurs, just keep back, keep out of it! The role is mine with the acting and the groupies and the 'Luke, Luke save me' with the light saber and the Vwhing! Vwhing! Vwhing!"
Middlesbrough's hulking 19-year-old centre-half, David Wheater, has signed a three-month loan deal with Mick McCarthy's Wolves.
Irish-Yorkshireman McCarthy claimed to be delighted about the signing, "David is a highly-rated young centre-back and I'm delighted he's coming here. We need more players in this department, especially with Mark Clyde still unavailable through injury." No, us neither.
Meanwhile, Gareth Southgate has admitted that he is determined not to rush Robert Huth into the first-team. The 22-year-old Germany international is still recovering from ankle surgery that he had in June 1809 and has yet to take part in a Premiership match.
"He has had sixty minutes in the reserves and I did not really want him to play the full ninety the other night," Southgate said of Huth's performance against Notts County, undoing the good work that Anti News' £600 per hour therapist had achieved.
"He managed to get through, but he needs more work fitness-wise," Southgate continued, as Anti News sought desperately to remove the memory of Tcham N'Toya's winner for Notts County.
"Normally those matches would be behind closed doors in pre-season against a non-league side or a lower division team in a friendly. But I threw him into a competitive game and he will be far better for that."
All of which leads Anti News to ponder, is it possible that Southgate forgot to tell the rest of the team that half-arsed it against Notts County that it was a competitive game?
"Oh my god, I killed the mayor. All right, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce à la Weekend At Bernie's."
West Brom confirmed this week that Steve Round applied for the vacant managerial position at The Hawthorns before he realised that staying with Boro is likely to see him coaching in the Championship before long anyway and withdrew his application.
An official West Brom statement read, "The club were contacted by Steve Round's agent, Colin Gordon, last week, regarding the vacant manager's job. After talking to Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate, the club arranged to meet Round as part of its process of compiling a shortlist for the vacancy. The meeting did not take place after Gordon withdrew Round's application."
In news that may not be totally unrelated, Steve Gibson has announced that Colin Gordon was instrumental in trying to secure the release of Steve McClaren to Leeds United back in 2002. "I spoke to Peter Ridsdale, then the Leeds chairman, and he said to me that Colin Gordon was perpetually on the telephone trying to move McClaren to Leeds," Gibson fumed to The Sun.
"I got McClaren in and read him the riot act and said to him that his agent's conduct was a disgrace and that I no longer wanted Colin Gordon involved in any aspect of the football club."
If Round pays that much attention to Steve Gibson's orders, what chance the players listen to his?
"Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your "Nooo!" Remember, your "Nooo!" is what gets you your next job. Now drop and give me twenty."
Lee Cattermole has been drafted into England's Under-21 squad for the first time for the forthcoming European Championship play-off with Germany.
When naming his squad, Under-21s boss, Peter Taylor said, "Lee Cattermole is a good midfielder who we are keen to have a look at."
Having watched Cattermole ignore Rob Hulse's run on Saturday evening, Taylor may already have seen more than enough.
"This is one small step towards firing your ass!"
Gareth Southgate insisted that he was pleased with his team despite seeing them slump to another defeat as they lost 2-1 to Sheffield United at Bramall Lane.
Boro should have taken the lead in the twenty-third minute, as Yakubu broke clear of the Blades' defence after a delightful exchange of passes between the otherwise anonymous James Morrison and the otherwise useless Mark Viduka. Two minutes later, Jonathan Woodgate missed an even better chance, volleying wide with the goal at his mercy, making it clear that he struggles as much as his lookalike, Jesus, when it comes to making good use of crosses.
Rob Hulse opened the scoring after several Boro players ambled back from a corner, but Yakubu scored his first goal since the evolution of man from apes just after half-time to equalise. However, just as Gareth Southgate thought his team had done enough to secure a point, Phil Jagielka smashed home a twenty-five yard volley in the ninetieth minute.
"I thought it was very healthy," Southgate exclaimed, presumably referring to his upside down goldfish.
"The team did everything we asked of them bar winning the game. I think our fans would be happy with the reaction."
Erm. do you want to tell him, or should we?
And with that....
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