|
|
THE ANTI NEWS - THE KAREN DALTON ISSUE 16-10-06
James Bassett
Having dismissed the talents of both Peter Crouch and Owen Hargreaves before the pair became England's record goal-scorer in a calendar year and England's Player of the World Cup respectively, England fans (fat, loud-mouthed oafs, with no hair from two-bit towns that don't have proper football teams and whose vocabulary is limited to phrases like "ten German bombers") and English football journalists (fat, loud-mouthed oafs with bad hair who aren't good enough to report proper news and so spend their lives making up transfer stories and whose vocabulary is limited to phrases like "big spending Boro") have decided that Stewart Downing isn't good enough to play for England.
Apparently Downing's primary failing is his inability to beat his man. Perhaps they should ask Phil Neville what he thinks about Downing's inability to get past his full-back. Once the Everton captain has picked himself up off his arse having been torn to bits by Downing at The Riverside on Saturday, of course.
Let's do this.....
"Oh, my dear, sweet Eve, I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush."
Jonathan Woodgate has picked up the 17,987th injury of his career and is likely to be out of action for at least a month with a mystery affliction.
A Boro statement read, "Jonathan Woodgate is doubtful for Boro's game against Everton on Saturday after picking up a leg injury in training." The use of a generic term 'leg injury' leaving Anti News to wonder whether a bruised shin is deemed to be as serious an injury as a broken femur in the land of Boro's medical staff.
Meanwhile, Boro's idiotically bequiffed right-back, Andrew Davies, told Sky Sports that the team will miss Woodgate, while the Real Madrid man sets up camp for the rest of the season in the treatment room. "I think it's his presence that everyone likes, I feel like he is always three seconds ahead of the game," said the notoriously slow full-back who can run a metre-and-a-half in the same length of time.
"Now, I'm not saying that Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for its pottery!"
Gareth Southgate took the English football press to task this week for their treatment of Stewart Downing.
Downing, who played no part in England's humiliating defeat in Croatia, has become something of a cause célèbre amongst English football journalists, who, if they picked their heads up out of the mounds of cocaine they ply themselves with long enough to actually pay to go to a football match at The Riverside once in a while, might understand that Downing is actually a talented footballer.
"When you play down in London, for example, your cause is pushed a bit more by the national media," Southgate told www.mfc.co.uk, "But Stew's got to battle against that and the only way he can do that is by his performances on the field."
Meanwhile, James Morrison added his world-weary croon to the debate. "I have played with him for a long time and seen what he can do, so I have no doubts about Stewey Downing," the 22-year-old singer-songwriter told the club's official website, "I do not think there is anybody better than him down the left-hand side at the moment - I cannot think of anyone."
Certainly not Morrison himself, if his performance on the left-wing against Blackburn was anything to go by.
"Jonah! You died the way you lived: inside a whale."
Middlesbrough beat previously undefeated Everton 2-1 at The Riverside on Saturday afternoon.
Yakubu scored a penalty in the first half and missed one in the second, before a second-half goal from Mark Viduka secured the points for Boro, despite a 77th minute strike from Tim Cahill.
"It's very special for us," Southgate told Sky Sports News, having watched his team miss enough chances to win the game by four or five goals, "We've had to wait since the game against Chelsea here, so it's been tough."
"I think we earned the luck today because we created many chances, we were that positive," Southgate concluded, though he was barely audible over the sound of humble pie being chomped by thousands of fickle, pessimistic, "we're gonna get relegated because Sheffield United fluked a win over us", know-nothing fuckwits.
And with that....
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
|
|
|
|
