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THE ANTI NEWS - THE JAMES BASSETT ISSUE 24-10-06
Toby Higgins
The Anti News' regular writer, funny-man and local legend James Bassett is taking a well earned break this week. The rumours circulating about him hiding in the bushes outside Jim Morrison's house all night, spending the weekend in custody and missing his train home are completely unfounded. Honest.
This week's Rockcliffe Files meets Anti News makes history as ComeOnBoro's first ever article crossover and will hopefully be a little more successful that than time Des 'the lion' Lynam swapped Match of the day's Hansen for sudoku boff and Countdown Queen Vorderman.
In the words of our leader.
Let's do this.
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night, weird, strange, sick, twist, eerie, godless evil stuff. and I want in"
Following a dream in which Robert Huth, Jonathon Woodgate, Chris Riggot, Ugo Ehiogu, Emmanuel Pogatetz and Mathew Bates were mysteriously injured, Andrew Davies told of how he'd let nobody stand in the way of him playing where he wants.
"I would love to play centre half because I really do feel that is my best position", he told a group of journalists, before the press conference had to be stopped momentarily so the gathered crowd could apply more sun cream in order to stop themselves burning on the glow from his beach blond bonce.
"There is a lot of competition, but it is healthy for the club if there is a lot of competition", he added, before standing up and throwing arrows onto a dart board covered in pictures of the seven defenders ahead of him in the pecking order.
"That's why I'm in the position I'm in now", he bragged, clearly confusing right back with centre half. "I have got my head down and tried to get the better of whoever was in my position", he boomed, as Robert Huth cowered in fear.
"You'd better run, egg!"
England U21's newest recruit and Boro favourite Lee Cattermole has penned a new four year contract with the club.
Cattermole has been employed on the right hand side of midfield in recent weeks because James Morrison's mysterious stalker means he's unable to leave his home without a police escort, as well as being unable to beat his man.
"What he has got is football intelligence and a mindset which is ahead of his years," purred manager Gareth Southgate.
"He is certainly not fazed by anything. His desire and his drive - at times you forget how young he is because he is a man in a younger body. We feel it is right to reward him with a new contract, he has earned that, and now it is for him to push on again", before forgetting to add, "Unless of course Andrew Davies wants to play in midfield, which he can, if he wants to".
"Welcome no. 908; you have joined the sacred order of the stonecutters who since ancient time have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of ignorance and truth. Now lets get drunk and play ping pong"
A rare header from Yakubu saw Boro defeat Newcastle 1-0 in an otherwise even game at la Riv on Sunday.
"Newcastle played well in the first half; we weren't at the pitch of it" declared a delighted Southgate to Sky Sports. "I know how much this means to the fans".
"It is the first time this season when we have got a touch more than we deserved maybe", he claimed, clearly forgetting the slightly fortuitous win against Chelsea and the draw at Arsenal, where the home side had nine shots on target to his side's one.
"We have a squad of players with a lot of quality and we shouldn't be surprised by winning games like this", he E-I-O-ed down the tunnel before punching his fists into the air in typical Southgate style.
"These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I joined"
Following his sides derby win, Stewart Downing braved the potential wrath of the media by speaking out about Boro's progress so far this season.
"It is a great win for us. Building on the Everton result is what we wanted - to be more consistent. To beat Everton and Newcastle is great for us. They're two massive teams", he remarked after emitting a muffled cough.
Speaking about his omission from England's defeat in Croatia, Downing added, "It is disappointing I didn't play, but what I have got to do is keep playing well for Middlesbrough and I thought I did okay", before sticking two fingers up at the press and running off to go and give Steven Carr another whooping.
"Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy, with a prostate the size of a goats head."
Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder was particularly distraught after his side's defeat.
"I think we should have had the game wrapped up at half time but we didn't take our chances." he whined.
"When that happens it's always in the back of your mind it will come back to haunt you, and it did." he said whilst looking over his shoulder in the expection that a fat man would appear with a black bin liner at any moment.
Geordie journalist Alan Oliver was heard to remark that if Newcastle has Shearer in the team, they would have wrapped the game up in twenty minutes.
Which is all well and good but if we'd have had Wilf Mannion playing, the Geordies would have been four down in the same amount of time.
And with that.
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