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THE ANTI NEWS - THE PLEASE FIX THE SERVERS ISSUE 6-11-06
James Bassett
Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause, please, for Toby "Hurricane" Higgins.
You'll doubtless recall that Toby very kindly stepped into the breach a fortnight ago to ensure that the billions of you that are entertained by this load of semi-factual waffle had something to read on Monday morning and, perhaps most importantly, that Anthony Vickers had something to plagiarise (just kidding Vic. Anti News loves your work).
Anyway, there's a tonne of stuff to talk about, but we need to get started because Anti News really must find the time to try and remove the Southgate Out screensaver that has mysteriously appeared on the office computer.
Wouldn't know anything about that. Would you, Toby?
Let's do this.....
"Think of it biologically. Why shouldn't there be as many big vaginas as there are small penises?"
Like light beer and the ginger one in Girls Aloud, Anti News had always wondered what a Uefa Pro License was actually for, but on Monday night it all became clear: it offers novice managers an education on playing the right personnel in the right positions.
Having gotten our hands on a Uefa Pro License curriculum, Anti News can reveal that in the second semester of the course, the student is taught the following: ". a standard 4-4-2 formation is reliant upon the selection of two full-backs, two wide-midfielders (otherwise known as wingers) and two centre-forwards." The inclusion of Emmanuel Pogatetz and Matthew Bates at full-back, Lee Cattermole on the right-wing and Jason Euell up front would appear to suggest that this is a vital lesson that Gareth Southgate missed out on.
"We lost the game in the first half" Southgate said of Monday night's 1-0 defeat to Manchester City, having had to rethink his previously flawless managerial strategy of. erm. putting on a suit.
"I thought Manchester City were there to be beaten today and they looked edgy," claimed Southgate to the certain disbelief of anyone who had watched the game, "But we didn't start the game well enough, simple as that."
"The subs that came on - James and Massimo - made a difference for us, as they both looked sharp," Southgate continued, eschewing conventional use of the word 'sharp', "and we might have got something from it, but it's questionable whether we would've deserved it."
Unfortunately, Manchester City's manager, Beanie the Giraffe, was too busy celebrating to comment.
"I was listening to Jewish radio and they were talking about Israel and I got so worked up, I lost control of my car."
Sky Sports pundit Ugo Ehiogu has announced that he hopes to be challenging for a first-team place by the end of the month. On a similar note, Anti News would like to reveal that we hope to be challenging Angelina Jolie for a shag by the end of November.
"I have two weeks of fitness training," the centre-half who hasn't been fit for three years told Sky Sports, "So by the end of the month, I hope to be at a level where I can challenge for a first team shirt."
Ehiogu might not even have to wait until the end of the month; there's a signed Fabio Rochemback one on eBay at the moment going for £2.70.
"You know what I find very interesting? I can't draw to save my life but yet I'm a very good doodler. Don't you think that's ironic?"
The number of right-backs with stupid, peroxide haircuts contracted to Middlesbrough Football Club is set to increase to two, as Gareth Southgate is are set to hand a contract to Abel Xavier.
"A deal is close and something should be signed very soon," agent Barry Silkman told Sky Sports to the disappointment of Stuart Parnaby's two admirers.
In an interview on www.mfc.co.uk, Gareth Southgate admitted the club are "close to offering Abel a contract. His experience and enthusiasm have been a real plus around the place. He's popular with the guys here and he's got a point to prove."
His point presumably being that he can play well without chemical help, Anti News can't help but add.
"I submit you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina and walked right on out of here."
Boro made it a full-house of defeats to promoted teams with a 2-0 drubbing from Watford at Vicarage Road on Saturday.
Gareth Southgate, once again, opted for an avant-garde formation that saw several players play out of their natural positions. Southgate, however, refused to blame his players for their part in the post modern mayhem.
"We are in this together, we win and lose together and as much as the players know I wasn't happy and we know it wasn't acceptable, I am not hanging them out to dry," he told Sky Sports, perhaps knowing that hanging would be too good for some of the lazy sods.
Southgate admitted, "We have been beaten by all three promoted sides and that tells us a story," a story that presumably begins with the line 'once upon a time there was an inexperienced manager'.
Whether the story has a happy ending, only the coming weeks will tell.
And with that....
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