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THE ANTI NEWS - THE Ys ISSUE 13-11-06
James Bassett
Anti News was interested to hear attention-seeking grass Mike Newell admit that he thought the involvement of women in football is "tokenism - for the politically-correct idiots", after his shoddy Luton side were beaten at home by QPR.
Whilst appreciating that Newell's views are controversial, Anti News can't help but think the Luton boss hasn't gone far enough. If we're to start on a bigoted path where English football is, once again, solely the domain of white British blokes, Anti News would quite like to see all black and foreign players banned as well. After all, foreigners do nothing but cheat and blacks, with all the practise they get swinging from trees and running through the jungle, have got a natural athletic advantage.
Either that, or Newell should keep his pathetic, outdated views to himself.
Let's do this.....
"We're looking for a big penis. Do you have anything at the gallery?"
Good news for Teesside's blind hairdresser industry - Middlesbrough have re-signed Abel Xavier until the end of the season. The former Liverpool and Everton full-back, you might recall, last season became the first player in England to be banned for taking a performance enhancing drug, and was banned from playing professional football for twelve months.
Gareth Southgate - keen to set an example to the children of Teesside - told the official site, "In no way do we condone the taking of drugs but the ban was reduced by the game's governing authorities, which suggests there was a significant reason for that," ignoring the fact that the game's governing authorities saw fit to enforce the ban in the first place.
Yakubu also admitted that he was pleased to have Xavier back in the side. "It's a great feeling to be back with him. For him to be here with us," the Nigerian meandered with all the poises of one of his trademark waddles, "With the experience he has he'll give us the boost to get to the top ten."
Careful, Yak, it was the boost he was giving himself that got him into trouble last time.
"Ah chicken teriyaki boy!"
The Premier League have initiated a rule change that will probably allow Gareth Southgate to remain in charge of Boro until the rest of the season. The rule changes means that players or coaches who have started the Uefa Pro License course can become managers.
A Premier League statement droned, "The board put forward an amendment to the Managers' Qualifications Rule meaning that it was no longer necessary to have completed the Uefa Pro License in order to be appointed as a Premier League manager."
The amendment doesn't directly affect Southgate's situation as he is currently working through the chapter entitled 'How changing your outfits can influence your team's performance' of the Uefa A License training course and hasn't yet begun his Pro license course. Nonetheless, Keith Lamb is confident that Southgate's situation is improved by the new ruling.
"This rule that was proved today goes some way to solving that solution," Lamb mumbled to Sky sports using his own particular brand of syntax.
However, while the rule doesn't necessarily change Gareth Southgate's situation, it does mean good news for all Middlesbrough fans: Glenn Roeder can now definitely stay in charge of Newcastle.
"I listen. I pay attention. I'm a good bingo player."
Ipswich Town have completed the loan signing of one-time gay icon and full-time Middlesbrough reserve Matthew Bates in a deal that will keep the 19-year-old defender at Portman Road until January.
Ipswich boss Jim Magilton told the official Ipswich website, "He's an ambitious young player who has already experienced Premiership football and is hungry to come here and show us what he can do. I'm delighted he is joining us on loan, Matthew can play anywhere across the back four."
Except at Middlesbrough, where he's twelfth in the queue for a starting place in defence, Magilton could've added but didn't.
"By the way, bingo's the only thing in the world that I have any sense of optimism about."
A 74th minute goal from Massimo Maccarone was enough for Boro to claim their third successive home win and sew tight the mouths of doubting ninnies who've yapped about relegation at every opportunity since the season began.
Massimo Maccarone - who now has four goals in his last ten substitute appearances - again cemented his reputation as one of Europe's most valuable reserves with a neat finish from a very tight angle. His fervent celebration was, no doubt, an almighty 'I told you so' to fans who've criticised him for little else than arriving in England with a transfer fee over which he had no control.
Gareth Southgate, who once again used the powers of a new outfit to change his team's fortunes by donning an urbane tanktop, told Sky Sports, "It was a big win for us. I knew it would be a bit tense after the last two performances because the performances in the last two matches as much as the results had left us a bit short of confidence and that showed early on."
Southgate, however, did admit that his team hadn't played with much style, telling Sky, "I want to do both. I want to win and play well. Today we got the win, but we did not play well." Still, with Southgate able to add gloves, a scarf, a woolly hat and an overcoat to his ensemble, Boro fans need not be too concerned just yet.
Meanwhile, smug Alan Pardew had the smug look wiped off his smug face by the team who played his side off the park in last season's FA Cup semi-final, before a violent elbow from Dean Ashton wiped out Mark Schwarzer and changed the tie.
Pardew told Sky Sports, "I was not displeased with the performance. It was a really tight game. We put in maximum effort, but there was a little bit of quality lacking, perhaps on both sides." But perhaps lacking a bit more on your side, eh Alan?
And with that....
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