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THE ANTI NEWS - THE HOQUIAM ISSUE 11-12-06
James Bassett
Anti News would like to take this opportunity to apologise for recently adopting an approach to writing that has been as relaxed as Britney Spears' vagina. But like Britney's vagina, Anti News has just been so overworked, that it's been tough to find the time to cut and paste from Sky Sports' website and add some swear words. Anyway, here we are, ready to put on a show. Just like Brit.. well, you get it by now.
Let's do this.....
"Eight? Too old! Go home, grandma!"
Purple-faced, non-stop whinge merchant, Alex Ferguson branded Gareth Southgate naïve after the Boro boss correctly identified Cristiano Ronaldo as someone who goes down more easily than. well. Britney Spears. At least if that sex tape doing the rounds is to be believed.
"You have to ask, what is more serious? Preventing the best players to play or to go on for three days about a dive that wasn't a dive," Ferguson blathered, going on about a dive that was a dive for the fourth consecutive day.
"We don't condone diving here," he said, having just finishing doing exactly that. Gareth's a bit naïve. But he's a young manager, you have to give him a chance to settle," Ferguson condescended, in a way that was more than a bit rich coming from the bloke who signed Juan Sebastian Veron for £28.1million.
While Anti News has made it something of a mission to support Southgate at every opportunity, we must also brand the Boro boss naïve. It's the mark of an inexperienced manager that he stopped short of calling Ronaldo, "A diver and a cheat, with shit hair. Oooooh nice step-overs, why not try actually kicking the ball for once? Oh and you run like a girl too."
"Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African American. Go Carl. Go Carl. It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Three-peat! You've got mail, baby!
Mark Schwarzer's record of muck-ups at White Hart Lane was extended on Tuesday night as Boro deservedly lost 2-1 to Spurs.
Boro looked to have fluked a point after Robert Huth smashed home an 80th minute equaliser to Dmitar Berbatov's 46th minute volley, but a quickly-taken free kick from Tom Huddlestone set up Robbie Keane to score the winner. The total lack of concentration from the entire Boro team was bad enough, but a flapping Mark Schwarzer, once again at White Hart Lane, displayed fingers so buttery that Marlon Brando would've been proud.
"We got ourselves in a position to get something from the game and we switched off. We worked so hard to get back into it and shot ourselves in the foot," Gareth Southgate claimed afterwards, which at least sheds some light on the injury that'll keep Robert Huth out for six weeks.
"Oh, come on, there's lots of ways to pass the time: hitch up your pants, air-whittle, make friends with a Chinese man."
Following a seasonal bout of handbags in the 87th minute of their Tuesday night match, Spurs and Boro were both charged by the Football Association with failing to ensure that their players conducted themselves in an orderly fashion. However, George Boateng's ridiculous red card, which was presumably issued for being pushed over, was correctly rescinded.
"He was standing up for his players and I will always stand up for my players. I am in the first year in the job, so I guess I am naïve, but I'm comfortable with my view of things," admitted Gareth Southgate, digging at Alex Ferguson in the same way a gnat irritates an elephant.
"Well, sir, I never heard a preacher use the 'm-f' word so many times."
Middlesbrough are reportedly set to make a bid for David Nugent in the January transfer window, leading Preston boss Paul Simpson to admit that his club might find it difficult to turn down a substantial offer for the forward.
Gareth Southgate was linked with a move for Nugent in August and may renew his interest in January, with a bid of £5 million thought to be in the offing from the Boro boss. The speculation has led Simpson to reveal his team's quandary.
"It's a tricky situation. If I had a crystal ball, and I could foresee that if we kept Nugent and we'd definitely be up in the Premiership come next May, then fine," said Simpson, "The gamble you can take, though, is to sell for X amount of millions, and then run the risk of losing out on a £30 million windfall by reaching the Premiership."
Middlesbrough, meanwhile, were tight-lipped about the possible transfer. But with Nugent's record of 5 goals in 21 games this season, he should fit right in.
"Every year we find one Good Samaritan, so deserving that not recognising him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage."
Gareth Southgate was pleased with Boro's second half performance against Wigan, after the two sides drew 1-1 at the Riverside on Saturday afternoon.
A string of excellent saves from Mark Schwarzer kept Boro in the game, after Henri Camara's penalty, which came as a result of Emmanuel Pogatetz needlessly clattering into Paul Scharner, gave Wigan a deserved first-half lead. Boro improved in the second half, and some impressive work from Mark Viduka and James Morrison set Yakubu up with a chance that not even he could miss.
"The second half was one-way traffic," Southgate said afterwards, "In the first half up until the penalty, we were the better side, but there was a period just after that where Mark Schwarzer kept us in the game."
"He got better every year I played with him and this season, he has been outstanding for us," Southgate concluded, leaving Anti News' patient and faithful readership with nothing to laugh at other than Middlesbrough's current league position.
And with that....
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