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THE ANTI NEWS - THE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT ISSUE 5-2-07
Toby Higgins
Welcome back to the Anti-News, which is, you'll no doubt have gathered, under new management.
Anti-News creator, ambassador and funny man James Bassett is taking a well earned break from Anti-News duty. In the meantime, let's see if we can't brighten up your Monday mornings the way JB used too.
As the old saying goes,
Let's do this.
"My doctors say I'm not supposed to go on sprees"
For some reason, Massimo Maccarone's agent has denied claims that his client made derogatory remarks about England manager Steve McClaren.
The former Boro man (which we can't decide if we like the sound of) was quoted in the Times newspaper as saying "The 'magnificent' McClaren is surely the most hypocritical and false person I have had the misfortune of meeting" and that "Only in England can someone with such evident limits become the head of the national team", which Anti-News reckons is a fairly accurate portrayal of a man as popular with Boro fans as Jade Goody is with the people of India.
But, nevertheless, Paolo Fabbri believes Maccarone, who, in his alleged whinge to the press, complained that he was horrified at being made to sit on the bench without blankets and hot water bottles (if only we could write our own stuff as funny as that) would be dismayed if he knew what he'd been quoted as saying.
"I am really doubtful whether Massimo would be so rude as to criticise Steve McClaren in this way. I don't think Massimo would use such strong words and phrases", mumbled the clearly nervous and non-committal agent.
"Yes, he was very upset not to play more often - any player would be - and yes, he might have specific points to make about McClaren", added Fabbri, backing away from the gathered press and into a corner.
"Massimo speaks very little English so I think this has been mis-translated. When he knows what is being said in his name, I am sure Massimo will be pretty upset", he concluded.
Anti News is willing to bet that he won't be half as upset as Boro will be if he goes on to score twenty goals a season in Italy. While Anti-News is not often willing to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone, we make an exception here. We reckon Massimo's innocent of making the claims, and wish the bald-headed-pasta-guzzler all the best in the future.
"I'm not really about gum, but I like the whole chewing thing"
Jonathan Woodgate has been rewarded for his fine run of form by being picked to play for 'World Cup underachievers' England in Wednesday's meaningless friendly with 'World Cup underachievers' Spain.
"I am pleased to be back involved after all this time. It feels good to be selected because I have been waiting to be selected for a few years", said a delighted Woody, whose last England cap was in 1724.
"I know there was talk of me getting selected before Christmas but I wasn't ready for it then. I am now. I kept the belief that I would get picked again if I got a run of games", added a player whose untameable belief, as well as untameable hair style, make him an odds on favourite for the upcoming "Most likely to be mistaken for Jesus" competition.
"I must warn you that when this tapes starts it will not stop. Because that button is broken"
Manager Gareth Southgate was meanwhile apprehensive regarding the fitness of the Real Madrid loanee.
"Little Johnny will have to be careful with his training as much as anything because normally in the early part of the week, he would not do very much training with us, and he'd normally be tucked up in bed by 9pm sharp", mothered Southgate, before rummaging through his desk in search of some cotton wool to wrap little Johnny in.
"I am sure the medical team there will keep a close eye on him, but I wish him well", he added, before making little Johnny a nice healthy packed lunch, giving him a hug and promising him he'd be waiting at the gates for him at the end of training.
While the Boro boss, will almost certainly shed a tear for his little star when he makes his England return this week, Boro fans will be desperately hoping Mother Southgate can prevent Woody flying the nest come the end of the season.
"It wasn't Dad's fault. The ape tricked him".
Boro battled to a deserved point against Carling Cup finalists Arsenal at the Riverside on Saturday evening.
Yakubu won, and then converted a slightly dubious 63rd minute penalty, a crime for which Philippe Senderos was dismissed, before Thierry Henry va-va-voomed an equaliser of real class following a rapid counter attack.
"I'm not going to start criticising players because I thought they were fantastic," beamed a particularly smartly dressed Gareth Southgate afterwards.
"They've caused them a lot of problems. Having defended so well for the majority of the game and now is not a time to be critical. The boys are disappointed but I'm not going to criticise as they have given everything again", added a manager who clearly didn't fancy being critical.
"In the first half we didn't have enough belief. I felt we had a bit more to give and did that in the second half. I'm glad we are disappointed with a point against Arsenal".
So are we. Anti News is delighted with two points against Arsenal in one season. In fact, if we were offered two points a season against Arsenal every season for the next ten years, we'd bite your hand off.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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