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THE ANTI NEWS - THE FIGHTBACK ISSUE 12-2-07
Toby Higgins
The Anti News doesn't like cricket. We love it.
OK, so we may have lost the Ashes, 5-0, which was actual reason we were even in Australia, but nowadays, in the fast changing world of one day international cricket, the Commonwealth Bank series means more now than ever before. The English triumphing against adversity on foreign soil is music to our ears.
We heard David Beckham scored on his return to the Real Madrid squad. Pleased for the lad. But what about those cricketers eh.
Let's do this...
"Why Louis Griffin, you naughty girl. you dirty hustler. you filthy stinky prostitute. you foul venereal-disease carrying, street walking whore"
Gaizka Mendieta looks set to follow DB7 into Major League Soccer before the seasons out after Gareth Southgate confirmed that the former Spanish international's days on Teesside were numbered.
"I don't know whether he will be able to do something during the season", said Southgate, posing the question every Boro has asked at some point during every pre-season since Mendieta arrived.
"There's something happening in the USA that may be a possibility. Whether he will stay for the remainder of the season remains to be seen. Gaizka is still part of the squad", he added, despite the fact that Mendieta hasn't been seen on Teesside since. well, a long time ago.
Anti News can't help but feel a tad let down by Mendieta. Actually, no. We feel robbed. We hope he goes to the MLS, and enjoys as much success as DB, which frankly, isn't a lot.
"Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is, that anyone who doesn't want to go to war, is gay"
Continuing this week's trend of trying to get David Beckham into every single paragraph, Real Madrid colleague Iker Casillas has encouraged the Spanish giants to keep hold of Nunthorpe's own Jonathan Woodgate.
Woodgate has been in sparkling form since he swapped Madrid's Cocido Madrileño (a stew combining chickpeas with vegetables, chicken, beef and pork) for Teesside's parmo (a grease laden chicken fillet wrapped in breadcrumbs, covered in béchamel sauce and topped with melted cheese), so much so that the former Leeds and Newcastle star earned his first England cap in three years against Spain last week.
"I don't know anything about it, but it is a shame because in the short time he was with us in Madrid he suffered injuries", said Casillas, hitting the nail on the head quite well for someone who knows nothing about it.
"But he still showed the club his qualities and was starting to get his form back. He's a great player, one of the best, and it's always a shame to lose great players like him. But I'm sure he'll do well wherever he goes".
We do too. And hopefully, Woodgate will be eating Parmos for many more seasons yet.
"Alright Gibson, I want my wife back. Or a woman of equal physical attractiveness"
It's been a busy week for Sir, no, Lord, no, King of Teesside, Steve Gibson.
Not content with having watched his club go unbeaten in January for the first time since 1974 (for those who were wondering), Gibson chose this week to defend former employee Steve McClaren to the national press.
"What we're asking Steve to do is perform miracles. He might be able to perform one or two but he's not able to perform them forever", said Gibson, somewhat remarkably comparing the ginger one to the son of God.
"I think Steve needs to be judged at the end of his term, not less than one year into it after five or six games. There's many, many other reasons why the English football team isn't working. It hasn't worked successfully since 1966".
"The Liverpools and the Arsenals, what do they contribute at national level? Steve can only work with the tools that the country gives him and at the moment those tools aren't good enough".
We agree entirely Steve. The England squad are tools. Every last one of them. We also think that Liverpool and Arsenal would have more England players in their squads, if they were actually any good.
"Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, an heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English."
Gibbo was also quick to heap praise on McClaren's replacement, Gareth Southgate.
"Everyone can see what he's doing and he's doing it with great integrity and honesty. He's managed to get everyone onside", said a slightly remorseful Gibson, clearly disappointed that Southgate wasn't manager when Bernie Slaven played for the club.
"Appointing Gareth wasn't a difficult decision for me to make, but I had to weigh up in my mind whether it was unfair to pluck him straight out of the dressing-room and put him into the manager's office", he added, seemingly contradicting himself in the space just a few lines.
"At one stage, we dropped towards the bottom three and if, at times like that, you have a leader who isn't sure of himself, uncertainty can infect everything. That was never an issue. He kept a steady hand, was able to block everything out and we've seen the consequences."
"He didn't have much time to think about the enormity of what he was taking on. I can't think of a time when the phrase 'sink or swim' has applied more. But Gareth has never panicked, even when things looked difficult", he concluded, as the Anti News team scratched their heads in unison, wondering what on earth the signing of Jason Euell was all about, if not a panic buy.
"Oh man. This is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down"
Boro sunk to their first defeat of 2007 against league Champions Chelsea at Stamford Bridge this Saturday.
Gareth Southgate clashed on the touchline with Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho during the game.
A bullish Southgate claimed afterwards, "I am just learning my trade but will fight my corner if I have to", as he donned his boxing gloves and gum-shield.
"I think it's for me to fight the corner of my team and players" he said, as the rest of the squad cowered behind the man who once appeared on national television with a brown paper bag on his head.
"I am entitled to speak my mind if I want to and Jose didn't agree with that. But what goes on during the game has no bearing afterwards. I've got a lot of respect for the guy and he's been a breath of fresh air to the league"
"Apparently, I am not allowed to give an opinion on a decision".
The Anti News knows you are allowed to give your opinion on decisions, Gareth, just as everyone has given their opinion on the decision to appoint you as manager.
It's our opinion at the Anti News that Gibson got his decision right, and that Gareth's the man.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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