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THE ANTI NEWS - THE JOHN TERRY ISSUE 26-2-07
Toby Higgins
Anyone watch the Carling Cup final between Chelski and Arsenal under 21's? It's not often that finals are open, free flowing affairs, with good goals, punch ups and red cards a plenty. They reckoned that Chelsea had the physical edge before the game, but 'Arsenal's kidz' certainly showed they were no pushovers in the brawl that ensued just before the final whistle.
But what about John Terry? The England captain and Mr Indestructible was knocked out by a boot to the head, and made those nanceys throwing handbags on the half way line look like WAGS fighting over a make up brush.
JT, Anti-News is impressed. What a hero.
Let's do this.
"That's impossible. All my stories are bull plop. Bull plop!"
Malcolm 'Mr Glass' Christie has revealed he's keen to prove his worth to the Boro fans and management in order to earn himself a new contract.
"Look at the stats - games played and how long I've been here. I've got a lot to prove" said a striker who's been more successful at getting broken bones than goals in his Boro career.
"I have hardly kicked a ball for two years. I want to put that right. The fans here have not seen the best of me", he added, breaking his leg and fracturing his shoulder as he did so.
"The easy part was coming back from injury, it's more difficult getting back in the team".
"I've just got to prove I'm worth a contract", at which point his jaw shattered, along with the rest of his skeleton, leaving Christie in a gooey mess on the floor, thus ending the interview.
We at the Anti News think there is more chance of Craig "the nutter with the putter" Bellamy being invited to join the PGA Masters tour than there is of Christie being offered a new contract. But then again, what do we know.
"You have chosen 'no', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. While you wait, why not buy a police cap, or t-shirt. You have the right to remain fabulous!"
Aussie superstar Mark Viduka claims the club have yet to come forward with a contract offer, but that he would be more than happy to sign should they do so. With his contract set to expire in the summer, Viduka is likely to be in high demand.
"There have been indications that the club are going to offer me a new deal, but as yet there have been no offers," bellowed Viduka at a press conference.
"My contract finishes at the end of this year", he shouted, whilst winking and nudging at managers across Europe. "I have said to myself whatever happens I am here to the end of the season and I want to do my best for the club and myself", before reminding everyone once again that he contract was up in the summer and he was open to offers.
Viduka found time to praise the work of Gareth Southgate. "It is tough being thrown in at the deep end and having to deal with everything", said a tearful Viduka, remembering the time he had to wrestle alligators in his first swimming lesson down under, before adding "I think he found out what sort of style he wants to play and we have sort of eased down a bit and everybody is more relaxed and we have gelled well together."
Viduka has been in tremendous form this season, but Anti News fears the lure of European football, as well as 50k a week, might be enough to make this Viduka's last year as a Boro player. But then again, what do we know.
"Darn tootin'"
Gareth Southgate believes a good finish to the season will help persuade his top players to commit their long term futures to the club.
"It is important to keep the best players you have because it is difficult to get players in. I have seen that during the two transfer windows I have been involved in", he said, throwing an evil glance in the direction of Jason Euell.
"Everyone wants to keep their best players and if you have got players other teams covet, it is important to try to hang on to them", he added as the Anti News tried to fight back the giggles and remember the last time a Premiership manager used the word 'covet' during an interview.
Southgate was also shed some much needed light on Robert Huth's latest comeback from injury.
"Robert's back in light training, which is pleasing. We have decided to take it day by day because we decided not to operate, which means we have to go a little more gently with him. But he's progressing well", he mumbled, trying to change the subject away from a player who has so far cost Boro £1million per league appearance.
"It's difficult to put a timescale on a return and I wouldn't expect him to be available for the next month", he said putting a timescale of at least a month on Huth's comeback and adding to the growing speculation that in Huth, Boro have bought another Malcolm Christie. But then again, what do we know.
"Who are you and why are you holding me here? I want answers now or I want them eventually"
Boro battled past a determined Reading side at the Riverside on Saturday to keep the European dream alive. Mark Viduka's cheeky backheel and Yakubu's left foot rocket meant Boro were able to stretch their unbeaten home run to nine, despite a late consolation from Sunderland reject John Oster.
"We made life difficult for ourselves, that is for sure" explained Southgate afterwards. "At 2-0 you hope to see the game out but you have to give Reading a lot of credit."
Southgate reserved special praise for his striking partners, and was also keen to praise his backroom staff for their part in Viduka's first half goal.
"My assistant Malcolm Crosby has got to take the credit for that. He has dug that out of his old football manual from about 1965 and it paid off for us", said Southgate, as Anti News struggled to see what was so special about a cross, a header and a tapped in goal.
"It is good when those things happen, and the second goal was an incredible strike from Yak. I think they (Yakubu and Viduka) are enjoying playing together. They are feeding off each other and are a handful for other teams. They are really clicking"
"Reading had gone eleven games unbeaten so it is a real feather in our cap, and we have got to keep that going now", said Southgate, as Anti News questioned where Gareth gets these outdated clichés from.
"We have got ten league games left and we want to aim as high as possible"
Amen to that, Gareth. Amen.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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