|
|
THE ANTI NEWS - THE HALLELUJAH ISSUE 5-3-07
Toby Higgins
Ever since hearing Alistair Griffin's rendition of "Hallelujah, Mark Viduka", we at the Anti News have been hooked. It's been on repeat all week, but we're not quite sure why we like it so. Let's be honest, Jonathan Woodgate was wrong. It's not going to get to number one.
But then again, if Mark Viduka wants 50k a week, a hefty signing on fee, a new house and a song written about him, who are Boro to say no?
Let's do this.
"Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood. I ate your Granny, and now I'm in the mood for love"
Boro reached the FA Cup Quarter Final after yet again needing penalties to see of lower league opposition to set up a mouth watering clash with Manchester United at the Riverside. Darren Carter had given Tony Mowbray's West Brom the lead before 'Hallelujah' Mark Viduka levelled from close range, and yet again Boro kept their cool during the spot kicks to progress.
"At half-time, with the way we were playing, it looked like we were going to go out with a bit of a damp squib and credit to the lads", explained a confused Gareth Southgate afterwards, presumably not actually meaning to give 'credit to the lads' for a woeful first half display.
"I am very proud of what they did in that second period and in extra-time. Then with the penalties, we have shown tremendous nerve and courage to take them in front of their fans and to win the game. They rallied themselves", as Anti-News imagined Southgate sat sobbing at half-time with his head in hands.
"The Manchester United game is brilliant for us and I am chuffed for the fans. The club has been under the spotlight as the season has gone on and we have turned a big corner in a lot of ways"
"It is a great tie for our club", said Southgate, proudly admiring his latest neckwear, before returning to the point and saying, "We put the fans who came to West Brom through the mill but they have gone home happy with a game in the next round to really relish", as Anti News pondered why oh why Boro can't ever do things the fucking easy way.
"Point out problems at your workplace to your boss. To separate yourself from the herd, just tattle on the cattle"
Success can force even the most reasoned of characters to say silly things, and this week it was the turn of George Boateng, who declared he would consider retiring if Boro win the FA Cup.
"At my age, and in my situation, if I do get to an FA Cup final again and win, I would probably be able to hang up my boots because I've then fulfilled any dream I had as a young boy", said the Dutchman, getting caught up in the moment slightly. Anti News too, used to dream of winning the FA Cup, but favoured dreaming more about Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jenifer Lopez.
"The FA Cup is a tremendous prize. This draw against Manchester United is a reward for hard work. We've made it the hard way but if anything is worth having, it's worth working hard to get it", he added, getting all philosophical, before predicting "I think who wins that game will go to the final", which was hardly putting his neck on the line, given the winner will already be just one game away from Wembley.
"If you win the next game, then maybe you can start dreaming of Wembley. It is the ultimate stage. It is the Mecca of football", though Anti News can't quite see what bingo has got to do with the FA Cup final. That said, Boro will be hoping their number isn't up against Manchester United in the next round.
"You're right. Put two walnuts in there"
Gareth Southgate has hit back against claims that the club signed Asian sensation Lee Dong-Gook simply to increase commercial revenue.
"Obviously, there is interest in Korea, and if things take off I'm sure there would be advantages for us", said a shifty looking Southgate on AsianTV.net.
"There is enormous interest in his progress in Korea, as we have all seen in the media conferences. Lots of Premiership games are shown live in Korea, and I think most of ours will be now because he is a big hero", he said of a player who was very lucky not to be the villain after he was the only player not to score in the shootout against West Brom.
"But I don't bring anybody to the club based on their commercial aspect. I've said all along that we've signed him because I think he is a good player, not just because we want to sell some shirts", before hurrying into the shirt printing section of the club shop to order more D's, O's, N's, G's, and K's.
"I will respect you, the working class slob, because we are all equals. Now, as ascend this crystal stairway to my office I say, 'avert your gaze'"
Boro and Newcastle battled out a 0-0 draw which failed to inspire at St. James Park on Saturday.
Afterwards, manager Gareth Southgate was fair in his assessment, saying, "We came here to try and win the game, we set the team out to do that. The longer the game wore on I thought we would have to scrap it out and it was a scrappy game".
"There were not too many clear-cut chances and I thought we might have caused a few more problems on the break as I thought they looked edgy at the back, but after the week we have had I was delighted with the effort and commitment and a clean sheet away from home is always pleasing", he added, in an interview that turned out to be as boring as the preceding ninety minutes had been.
Despite seeing his side muster only one shot on target during the whole game, Southgate revealed afterwards, "We are looking a decent side. There is a lot to work on, but we have shown bags of improvement.
"We want to keep climbing the table and to come here and get a point was important for us and for our fans. We have taken four points off Newcastle this year and our fans will be pleased with that".
Correct, we are very pleased with that. In fact, Anti News has come over all giddy. Not only should we not lose at home again this season, but we should also do well in our remaining away games, and Manchester United at home in the FA Cup is a gimmie.
All we need now is Alistair Griffin to release a cup final song and this season could yet end on a high. If it does, there will be more people than just Griffin singing Hallelujah.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
|
|
|
|
