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THE ANTI NEWS - THE MARK LAWRENSON ISSUE 12-3-07
Toby Higgins
For one reason or another, Anti News was unable to attend the F.A. Cup game against Manchester United at the weekend. We sat for most of Friday and Saturday though thinking about a plausible excuse for our absence.
At first our car had broken down, then the girlfriend wanted to go for a picnic in the countryside, then we were washing our hair and finally, the goldfish needed taking for a walk. Not once did we think of pulling the 'sold out' card but alas, the game was a sell out and a valid excuse was born.
According to Jerry Clarkson's article in the Sunday Times this week, the lure of a pint of guest ale in the local pub is being replaced by Bacardi Breezers and the such. Anti News feels that watching football in a stadium is also going the same way as said ale, and is fast being replaced by the lure of a cosy sofa, a cool beer and T.V. set. We can't quite see why though, particularly if watching on T.V. means suffering the dry wit of the BBC's own, Mark Lawrenson.
As Lee Dong-Gook entered the field to replace George Boateng, Lawrenson remarked the Boro skipper's performance had been 'sweet and sour', before commenting that there were still lots of positives to 'take-away' from the game. Honestly, he makes Anti News gags look. well, poor. Bastard.
Let's do this.
"Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials; no mercy."
Someone called Kieron Dyer (following the link if, like us, you've never heard of him) says he would love the opportunity to play with Jonathan Woodgate again at Newcastle United.
"At the moment he is a Boro player so it's a bit disrespectful to be talking about trying to get him to come to Newcastle", the Geordie gobshite blabbed to the Daily Mirror, inexplicably contradicting himself and making himself look like a complete tit.
"If we do try and get him in the summer I will be on the phone every day trying to persuade him to come back to Newcastle" he added, eyeing up a future as a money grabbing agent after a career as a money grabbing footballer.
Dyer is probably one of only a handful of players whose injury record rivals that of Woodgate, but Anti News feels no sympathy for a man who has a disciplinary record as long as our. well let's just say it's long.
Then again, being caught urinating in public, being questioned in connection with a gang rape, being arrested in connection with indecent exposure and fighting with your team mates in front of thousands of people probably doesn't separate for you from the crowd in Newcastle. If he thinks Woodgate would want to go back to Newcastle, he's thickerer than we thought. And that's saying somethink.
"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
Mark Viduka has told the Guardian that he wants, nay, needs, to be winning trophies as his career reaches its latter stages.
"I'm 31 and I'd really love to win something. The thing that is eating me is that I would like to be contending for something, some sort of trophy," good-dayed the Aussie, who, if he was serious about winning something, would have entered Celebrity Fame Academy, where talent clearly isn't required.
With his contract set to expire, Viduka gave the biggest hint yet that his future may well lie on the banks of the Tees, providing the clubs ambition matches his own.
"To compete with the top five or six, which is the next step, takes investment. The club has been in the middle for a long time", he hallelujahed, though Anti News wonder what Viduka was expecting when he joined a club called MIDDLEsbrough.
"It would be great if we kept our key players and bought better players to complement, because if you don't do that you can't compete. That's a big factor in my decision. My career is limited and I'd really like to be winning stuff. I don't think it's unrealistic", and Anti News agrees, given that Boro have competed in five finals since moving to the Riverside.
"Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd."
A distraught George Boateng has spoken of his shock and despair at referee Rob Styles decision to give a penalty against him for handball in Saturday's F.A. Cup draw with Manchester United.
"That is the second time this season that referee has ruined a game for me" sobbed a childlike Boateng. "He totally spoilt the night. I am almost speechless that something like that can happen. With one decision, he took our dream away", he added, before stamping his feet and screaming his loudest scream so all the other children would look at him.
"I accept I handled the ball", he said, blowing any protest he could have had out of the water, before hurriedly adding, "but, if you feel the ball is flying towards your head from such a close distance, it is a natural reaction to try and protect yourself", he said, which Anti News agrees with, but since it was a football heading towards him, and not a sword, bomb or any other type of missile likely to cause serious pain, Anti News thinks George should've taken the hit like a man, and kept his hands down.
Of Boro's chances in the replay at Old Trafford, Boateng added "I realise people are already writing us off for the replay because we are the ugly dog in the league", before hurrying off to pick up the 'most bizarre metaphor of the week' award.
"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair"
Gareth Southgate also had plenty to say in the aftermath of the game at the Riverside, in which United were fired ahead by Shrek look-alike Wayne Rooney, before rare goals by Lee Cattermole and Boateng, scored a minute before and a minute after half time respectively, before Boateng's contentious handball allowed greasy Portugeezer Ronaldo to fire in a leveler to send the game back to Old Trafford.
"Everybody will have written us off - I think most people wrote us off before the game, and we came very, very close to turning them over", as Anti News imagined Southgate and his players struggling to rotate every last person who felt Manchester United would win at the Riverside.
"We had that belief all week that we could win the tie today, and that was the expectation once we went ahead with the way we have been playing. We played well in the second half and you think you are going to get there. We were obviously bitterly disappointed to concede, but we are still in there", he said, though Anti News couldn't work out if we we're there, on the way there, didn't get there, and where exactly 'there' is/was.
With regard to Boateng's red card, Southgate expressed his disappointment by saying, "I have had a look at it again. At the time, I felt it was very harsh. He did raise his hands, the only thing I feel is he was only a yard away from him when it was flicked and it is very difficult for anybody to adjust their body in that split-second of time"
"But there we go, we do not complain about referees' decisions here afterwards. He gave it honestly and we have to live with that", said a philosophical Southgate, as the sky brightened, rainbows appeared, and kittens played gleefully with string.
Anti News still believes our name is on the Cup. Right now, everything is still alright in the world. And the heroic penalty win at Old Trafford on Monday week will prove us right.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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