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THE ANTI NEWS - THE MICHAEL SCHUMACHER ISSUE 19-3-07
Toby Higgins
Anti News spent Sunday in the following fashion. Between 2am and 5am, we were watching the Australian Grand Prix, between 5am and 1pm, we were asleep, between 1pm and 6pm we watched two of the most boring games ever shown on Sky Sports, and from 6pm onwards we ate our home cooked Sunday Dinner and chill-axed.
But during the whole time, we were nervous, apprehensive and fearful. No, it's not the thought of seeing a drunk Freddie Flintoff capsizing another pedalo. Tonight, Boro's 2007 F.A. Cup fate will be decided, and by the time you've finished reading this, kick will be three or four minutes closer. COME ON BORO!
Let's do this.
"Here's to the Drunken Clam boys, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I"
Jonathan Woodgate has come roaring back at members of the British National Press who claim that Boro's chances of progressing to the semi-final are nil.
"Why has our chance gone?" snapped a furious Woodgate, before applying his knuckle dusters and making it clear, "I don't think it has".
"There's no reason we can't go down to Manchester and get a victory. It's going to be hard because United are one of the best teams in Europe, but we've been there before and done it, so why not again?", he growled, before fearful journalists quietly pointed out that United have appeared in sixteen more F.A. Cup finals than Boro, have won it eleven more times than Boro, and the fact United have lost only five F.A. Cup games at home in the last twenty years.
Of the draw at the Riverside between the two, Woody explained, "I think a draw was probably just about the right result. I think they know they've been in a tough game and that they should expect the same again at Old Trafford next week"
"We'll just have to do it the hard way. We don't make things easy for ourselves at Middlesbrough - we never have - but we'll rally and go again", thirty words Anti News feels wouldn't look out of place on the badge as the club's motto.
"Oh Jenny.Jenny.oh yeah Jenny. don't stop.oh Richard Jenny, your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions. And what a sweet ass"
Not content with his first outburst to the media this week, Woodgate was soon at it again, though this time his words were a little more predictable, as he talked again about his long term future.
"I'll sit down and talk with Boro and also see what other clubs are interested. I'm dead happy. I've got a lot of pride playing here", he said as a tear rolled down Anti News' eye.
"I'll probably wait until the end of the season but you never know what could happen. You never know", he said, stroking his chin and looking longingly into nothing. "There's nothing better than playing for your hometown club and building something from scratch to try to get to the top", added the cheeky defender, clearly forgetting that we did exist before Woodgate, winning a cup, making several semi final appearances and reaching a major European Final.
Anti News is hoping Woodgate stays. Forever. End of.
"Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Louis, Frank. Your move, Sherlock"
Mark Schwarzer has made one or two major errors during recent weeks, but made his most comical blunder of his career this week when he proclaimed David James the best keeper in the league.
"David James is the best English goalkeeper, the best goalkeeper in the country," Schwarzer told the Daily Mirror as Anti News fell off their chairs laughing.
"He gets criticised but it gets under my skin because he will come for crosses when ninety per cent of keepers won't. That's one great thing about James, I admire him for it", and though Anti News is no goalkeeping coach, we suspect there is a reason 90% of keepers don't come for some crosses - they simply shouldn't be 'come for'.
"He has never held back, never changed his game because of the criticism. Paul Robinson is a good goalkeeper and he has a massive future, he has proved he is very good, but James is the best", as the gathered crowd howled with laughter and begged him to stop.
All in all it's been a busy week for Schwarzer, who has also had time to declare "It's always flattering" to be linked with "big clubs" like "Bayern Munich", while also giving his opinion on Mark Viduka's future.
"You don't really go into the nitty-gritty of what's happening, but I've had general chats with Mark and he's hinted that he wants to stay" he blabbed, showing why a career as a undercover police officer passed him by. "I know that he's happy here at Middlesbrough and I get the impression that he would like to sign another deal."
"But that's obviously not the same as actually doing it, and it won't just be down to what Mark wants to do anyway. The club will have a massive say in what happens, and I would never criticise any player for going elsewhere if they are offered a better opportunity", he said while nudging and winking at Bayern Munich manager Ottmar Hitzfeld.
"Having said that, though, I do think Mark could see himself staying at Middlesbrough this summer."
We're not so sure, but we hope so.
"Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on T.V. Or as entertaining. But erm. you know, I don't know where I'm going with this but erm, thanks anyway"
Gareth Southgate was quick to brush Saturday's 2-0 home defeat to Manchester City under the carpet and focus on Monday night, after goals from former Boro target Sylvain 'Bambi on ice' Distin and Emile 'he's good on football manager but if he's signed for Manchester City he must be shit' Mpenza sent Boro crashing to their first home defeat since December the 2nd.
"I think the whole atmosphere was very flat," Southgate told Sky Sports News. "We didn't create any spark and didn't play with any verve", he said, as Jason Euell, Lee Cattermole and Andrew Davies began a rendition of 'Bittersweet Symphony' in a desperate attempt to redeem themselves.
"We didn't perform today and you have days like that. It can be very hard to put Monday night out of your head".
"Subconsciously, the players were maybe looking towards Monday night and, if I set the Monday night for that by making Monday night, I have to Monday night responsibility. The players have been Monday night for me. We've had 15 Monday nights and they've Monday night me absolutely Monday night", he said, making his point, if very little sense.
Like we promised at the start of this ramble, we're now three or four minutes nearer to kick off. We can't wait. Wembley here we come.
And with that.
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TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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