|
|
THE ANTI NEWS - THE BOOING ISSUE 2-4-07
Toby Higgins
Here at the Anti News on Wednesday night, we couldn't quite believe what we were seeing and hearing, for the two didn't quite seem to match.
What we could see was an England side that has been struggling for form and confidence, breezing past a team of part-time Andorrans who had more interest in kicking seven shades of shit out of the English than they did in scoring goals.
In the 180 minutes of football England have played against Andorra in the European Championship qualifiers, England have scored eight goals, whilst Andorra have failed to muster a single shot, on or off target.
A 3-0 win away from home is always a good result. As 'expert pundits' like Lee Dixon, Jamie Redknapp and, our favourite, Alan Shearer (you can just tell Mark Lawrenson is dying to rip the piss out of him every time he opens his fat Geordie mouth on Match of the day) keep telling us, football is a results business. Well, clearly not to the 'fans' who travelled to watch England.
Booing a 3-0 away win does nothing but add to the stereotype that travelling English fans are ignorant thugs whose grasp on football is about as tight as Shearer's on the English language.
Anyway, let's do this.
"I'm not gonna call the hospital because you weren't learn anything if I do"
Sir Alex Ferguson gave everyone a laugh this week, when he declared his shock at the F.A's decision not to punish Boro skipper George Boateng following the F.A. Cup 6th round replay at Old Trafford.
Ferguson's comments came on the back of UEFA's decision to investigate comments made by Belgian Stijn Stijnen (who was presumably named by his parents after one Stella too many) who said his team mates were planning to target Ronaldo during last weekend's international games.
"UEFA are investing the goalkeeper's comments but the F.A have done nothing about Boateng's, which is surprising", growled the angry old Scotsman, though Anti News reckons if the F.A. called everyone who said after the game "one day, someone will hurt him properly", every man and his dog would be under enquiry.
Not content with his first ramble about the F.A.'s apparent inadequacy, Fergie went on to say, "If one of our players said something like that, they would have been up there right away", though he did forget to mention the bit about Wayne Rooney somehow staying on the field after appearing to push Boateng during the same game.
"The letter would probably have been written the day before", he finished, which will no doubt result in a letter that was written yesterday being sent to Fergie informing him he's under investigation for comments made to the press.
"I thought your fathers name was Co-Co and he was hit by a milk truck?"
Teesside's latest South Korean star Lee Dong-Gook has been tipped to make a big impact in England by boss Gareth Southgate. Dong-Gook has been somewhat of a flop in his first few months, but Southgate believes the 'Lion King' can still become the mane man in his attack.
"It might take Dong-Gook a bit of time to get used to the English League", said Southgate during training, as Dong-Gook cracked the ball against the post before wheeling away in celebration, only for a passing dog walker to point out his error. "I have to be patient with him", added Southgate with his head held in his hands.
"It is very different to what he is used to", added Southgate, remarkably contradicting the words of Dong-Gook himself, who told mfc.co.uk that "There is nothing hugely different between Korean football and the English Premier League".
"He has not had ninety minutes yet. He has quality and good movement, but it's going to take him time to adjust", presumably to decisions like sending on a centre half rather than a centre forward with your side needing a goal and only ten minutes to play.
"He has the potential, but it's not going to happen overnight. It was the same for Bergkamp and Henry when they came - I hope he's as good as those two", pilling even more pressure onto his already overburdened shoulders and cursing him with the same fate as Carlos Marinelli (the next Maradona) Massimo Maccarone (the next Ravanelli) and Nathan Porritt (the next Adam Johnson).
"My name is Carlos, and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist"
Gareth Southgate gave his weekly news bulletin regarding the long-term futures of Mark Viduka and Jonathan Woodgate, but instead of writing them down, reporters ticked off some of Southgate's most over used quotes when talking about these two, including "he's been a very important player for us this season", "I'm sure he'll have other options available to him", and "We'd love to have him here next season".
This time though, Southgate produced some new material, commenting that "Jonathan is different (to Viduka) because he is not our player at the moment, and Mark is", as pencils started frantically scribbling Southgate's latest insight.
Whilst still talking Woodgate, he added, "There are lots of positives for him. He's broken back into the England squad while playing with us, so we've shown his international ambitions won't be harmed by being here", subtly ignoring the fact that the national press and 'fans' are hell bent on destroying the international career of Boro's only other England international, Stewart Downing.
"It's a big decision for Jonathan to make. The fact that he's enjoyed the season as much as he has is in our favour, but he's with a big club and he has to decide what he wants to do", as Anti News pondered whether 'big club' referred to Real Madrid, or Boro.
"Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Louis, this is not my Batman glass."
Boro sunk to an inevitable 2-0 defeat at West Ham's Boelyn Ground. Boro never, ever, EVER win at West Ham, and the misery started in only the second minute, when Bobby Zamora scrambled home after some unfortunate deflections, and the ugliest man in football since Martin Keown, Carlos Tevez, stabbed home a second moments before the interval.
Now, here at the Anti News, we've taken the piss out of young Gareth in recent weeks for his mild mannered approach to, well, everything. But this week, we were sparred no punches as Southgate went wild on his sides woeful efforts, and even went as far as using words like "surprised" and "poor". In fact, not just "poor", "very, very poor".
"We have given a very poor account of ourselves, an uncharacteristic account of ourselves", boomed Southgate after the game. "Obviously we conceded goals at poor times and conceded bad goals and were just not at it all over the field today", as his back four cowered in fear.
"I have no idea if the players were tired after the international break, but I really didn't see this coming", he added, cursing the crystal ball that penalty predicator Yakubu had given him as a late Christmas present.
"We never did enough to threaten them to get back into the game. We have set ourselves a good standard in recent months and we expect a response next week against Watford. I have got an honest group of lads and they know they haven't performed to the level we expect, and they have to respond and react to that in the right way", he snapped, before marching back into the dressing room to blame Stewart Downing for everything that has ever gone wrong with anything, ever.
Boro are just one win away from Premiership survival. Of course, the ideal fixture would be Watford at home. Which of course, it is. But this is Boro remember, and there is no such thing as the easy way.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
|
|
|
|
