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THE ANTI NEWS - THE BARBEQUE ISSUE 9-4-07
Toby Higgins
Anti News was appalled, no, worse than that, horrified, as we watched the scenes of monstrous violence in Roma's Stadio Olympico ground on Wednesday night. Vicious, nasty, and malicious. And that was just Paul Scholes.
Whilst clumsily stumbling through the radio stations on Saturday afternoon, we happened to come across 96.6 TFM's Saturday lunchtime football show, during which Jeff Winter suggested not just that the "aye-ties" be banned from European competition, but that the English police should arm themselves in riot gear and give them a beating of their own when they visit Old Trafford this week.
Nice to see that according to some, two wrongs do still make a right.
Let's do this.
"Millions have died, but our troops have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping"
Jonathon Woodgate has leapt to the defence of fellow England star Stewart Downing after the winger received boos from the home fans during Boro's game at West Ham.
"He is not bothered", pouted Woodgate doing his best "Lauren from the Catherine Tate Show" impression.
"He is a top-class player and no doubt will keep on playing well and I am sure those boos will turn to cheers when he plays for England and he is producing crosses and scoring goals", he prophesised. Though if England fans had their way, Downing would be hung, drawn and quartered at dawn tomorrow for being solely responsible for England's lack of passion, form, pace, width, directness, solidness, flexibility, poor choice or manager, shitty new kits that look exactly the same as the previous ones and all round lack of natural talent since Southgate missed from the spot in Euro 96.
"He probably got booed because he is a good player as well", continue Woody, probably wishing that that had been the first thing he'd said. "He is a brave lad and has played for England many times", though Anti News reckons that with 12 caps, he's still a long way behind Peter Shilton's record of 125, and presumably, that's who Woodgate was referring to when he used the words 'brave lad'.
"He has set up most goals for us this season", giving away the Boro's worst kept secret before adding, to the fury of Arjen Robben, Ryan Giggs and Cristiano Ronaldo, "But, for me, he is the best left-winger for England."
"This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants"
Downing then took it upon himself to have a say in the discussion, by heroically declaring on the club's website, "If they're booing me, let them. It just means they're leaving someone else alone", as the bravery Woodgate spoke of came shining through.
"Look at the stick Cristiano Ronaldo gets and he's been the best player in the world this season, so it doesn't affect me. Playing for England is the pinnacle of anyone's career and people booing aren't going to stop me wanting to play for my country", which is all very well, but having to spend the extended periods of time with people like Rio Ferdinand is surely enough to put anyone off playing for their country.
"I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell"
"Drug cheat" Abel Xavier claims that he will never be able to shake off the "drug cheat" stigma attached to his reputation, despite being innocent.
"I will be known as drug cheat Abel Xavier, even though I was innocent" he said, giving Anti News a perfect opening line and a half to this particular news story.
"It made me even more determined to bounce back and to show everyone that I was not wrong, that what happened to me made me stronger. I wanted to show my kids that I would not let something like that beat me and I am now back playing football and enjoying it", he said, though if its impressing his children that matters to him, Anti News recommends losing the hair as a matter of urgency.
Meanwhile this week's motor mouth Jonathon Woodgate has tipped fellow defender Robert Huth to make a big impact on first team matters at the Riverside.
"Rob will come in against Watford. He has waited very patiently for his chance", before forgetting to add, "it's only Watford and I really can't be arsed".
"Obviously Manny has been outstanding this season for us and after his suspension he will come back in", blabbed Woodgate, trying to give away as much team selection information as he possibly could in a sixty second interview.
"I know what it's like to get injury after injury" said Woodgate, as though nobody would know, before finishing by adding, "But Rob has stayed strong". Though judging by the way Steve Kabba out jumped him on Saturday, not quite strong enough.
"I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry"
Boro thumped woeful Watford 4-1 at the Riverside on Saturday to move further away from the drop zone, and in the process all but mathematically relegating the Hornets.
Mark Viduka set Boro on the way after he knocked in Stewart Downing's header, yes, HEADER, back across goal, before Damien Francis drilled Watford level. Just two minutes later Boro were back in front as Chris Riggott deflected George Boateng's drive past Ben Foster, while classy finishes from Viduka and Fabulous Rochemback gave the game a score line it deserved.
Afterwards, boss Gareth Southgate heaped praise upon Adam 'jinky' Johnson, whose trickery and pace were too much for the Watford back line.
"Young Adam Johnson was a shining light," beamed the gaffer. "It was great to be able to give him his head and he had a hand in the first three goals", as Southgate began trying to beat the record of how many times you can refer to human anatomy in one interview.
"But we have got to blood him at the right speed and Saturday was a good game for him", taking his tally past three, before returning to footballing matters once more by adding, "I know we have got potentially a very special player there. But he is of very tender years, he is physically maturing and of course his more natural position is where we have got an England left-winger", and according to rumours, a brave one at that.
"We needed width, we needed to switch play a lot, and he has got the talent to go past people. He has got a different type of talent and he is the sort of player supporters will enjoy watching", though if you replace the words 'a different type of', with 'some', it separates Johnson from a considerable number of players currently on the club's books.
As usual, Southgate found time to squeeze in a word or two about Mark Viduka's contract negotiations, claiming, "Talks are ongoing and Mark is having a think about things".
What kind of things does he have to think about? What to spend next week's 40K on? Or if he can be arsed trying once his new contract is signed? If Viduka stays, we'll be amazed. If he stays and is even half the player he is now come next season, we'll be more than amazed.
And with that.
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TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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