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THE ANTI NEWS - THE TIGER TIGER ISSUE 2-5-07
Toby Higgins
Anti News week and a half absence has no doubt gone unnoticed by it's masses of readers, who will no doubt both have been rubbing their chins and scratching their heads as they wondered where on earth their weekly ramble was hiding.
Well, here it is.
Let's do this.
"Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood? Blood. Crimson, copper smelling blood, his blood. Blood? Blood. And bits of stick"
Gareth Southgate has thrown oodles and oodles more pressure onto Lee Cattermole's shoulders by likening him to England vice captain, Steven Gerrard.
The two lined up against each other recently in the encounter at Anfield, and Southgate said, "Lee has played on the right for us and done a very good job", though Anti News and another 30,000 Boro fans can probably agree that only the first half of that utterance is true.
"I hesitate to put the two names in the same sentence, but Steven Gerrard has done a very similar job at Liverpool", said Southgate quietly. "Rafa Benitez has played a player who is more used to playing in the centre on the right because it gives you a certain solidity to your midfield and does not leave you as stretched as if you play with two wingers", he added, making an excuse as unconvincing as Cattermole's right midfield performances.
"We are not the first team to do that - people like Forest under Brian Clough used to have a left-winger and someone tucked in on the right", though presumably Clough spent more time trying to sign a decent right winger than making up excuses about the one he already had.
"It is just what you think is right for particular games. Because of his attitude Lee has got great leadership skills even at the age he is at. He has added a lot to our team" and by that, Anti News presumes he means the twelve yellow cards the "Catt" has racked up this season.
"Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut and if she croaks, my arse is grass"
Chief Scout Don McKay has warned that there will be many changes to Boro's squad between the end of this season and the start of next.
"We feel we need four or five players in the summer because we're not too happy with the way the season has gone," as Stuart Parnaby, Fabio Rochemback and Malcolm Christie sat nervously waiting for their P45s to b delivered.
"I gave Gareth some recommendations and now it is up to him as the manager to follow those through", said McKay, somewhat arrogantly, but Anti News feels compelled to add that while it might be up to Southgate as a manager to follow through with recommendations, it's up to McKay as Chief Scout to recommend better players than Jason Euell.
"We need full-backs, as well as looking at midfield and a right-sided attacker. I don't know how much we will be spending but we have to make a list to bring in some players" as McKay added milk, bread and cheese to a scrap piece of paper with names Geremi and Juninho already scrawled on, before handing it to Southgate.
"That's Doctor Lucian Sanchez, hot-shot surgeon. He's a good buddy, though sometimes we have punch-ups"
Jonathon Woodgate, presumably one of McKay's top recommendations, has this past week confirmed he is staying on Teesside beyond the end of this season after agreeing a four year deal at the Riverside.
"I am extremely happy. It has been an ambition of mine to play for the club and I am doing that now - I am going to do that for the next four years. I made my mind up about three months ago, to be honest, but we could not really say anything" as, coincidentally, Anti News's season ticket renewal form dropped through the letter box.
"I am just really happy. I went into the manager's office and told him I wanted to sign. I think he was caught unexpectedly when I told him I wanted to sign" and Anti News is sure Southgate wasn't the only one.
Manager Southgate was also quick to comment, declaring, "We are absolutely delighted. The chairman used the word `iconic'" but Anti News feels words like "amazing", "too good to be true" and "what's the catch" would be more appropriate.
"We are looking to build something here at Middlesbrough", said Southgate, gleefully ripping the packaging off his new Lego set and building frantically, only pausing briefly to add, "to be able to bring a world-class player to the club, back to his home town - to be able to secure his signature permanently - is a fantastic start for us in terms of building the future here" as Don McKay began flicking through the latest edition of Lego Monthly and making recommendations.
"Now, I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deseeded that we're going to have to burn the remains of his body to close a portal to another dimension. I just won't do it. This hospital has a reputation to uphold"
Boro crumbled at home for the third time in their last four home games, conceding three goals again in the process, as Spurs waltzed to a comfortable 3-2 win.
Robbie Keane's twelfth minute opener was followed in the second half by a stunning Dmitar Berbatov volley, and despite Mark Viduka scoring one and seeing Paul Robinson splendidly deny him a second, Keane made the win sure before Emmanuel Pogatetz's deflected header made for an intense finale.
"We were passive in the way we played and allowed Tottenham time on the ball and they are a good team and if you allow them to play then they will cause you problems, which they did," in a post match interview that could have been taken from anyone of a number of games this season.
Meanwhile, Yakubu's search for a goal continues, with reports that Southgate may finally be about to lose patience with the Nigerian.
"I'll have to look at it and decide what to do," Southgate gassed to the Evening Gazette. "I've got the option to start with Dong-Gook Lee, who gives us something different", by which Anti News presumes he means a striker who can at least hit the post, rather than one who often can't even hit the target from inside the six yard box.
"It's eleven games now without a goal now for Yakubu. It's a long spell," admitted Southgate, suggesting that maybe, just maybe, there is some sort of magical, mystical curse on the striker that turns him from a powerful menacing striker to a weak, threat less donkey with the touch of a Rhino from around February every year.
"Yakubu is a good player and has scored a lot of goals here. He had a spell like this earlier in the season but he came through it", he finished, shinning some more light on this spell Yakubu finds himself under.
One thing's for sure. If he doesn't find his shooting boots, Southgate might start listening to Don McKay a little more often. After all, who couldn't use another Jason Euell?
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
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