|
|
THE ANTI NEWS - THE FINAL ISSUE 10-5-07
Toby Higgins
Dear Anti News reader,
Yes, this is the final Anti News of the season (don't pretend you're not sad) and will (probably) be the last one written by yours truly. It's been a great honour to write this column and hopefully, it'll return next year bigger and better, though it's not like it could get much worse, is it?
Anyway, my tears are beginning to ruin my keyboard, so, for one last time.
Let's do this.
"And finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled, due to confusion"
'Drug Cheat' Abel Xavier has left the club for the second time after failing to agree a new deal.
Boro tried ditching the Dr Zaius look-a-like after 'accidentally' slipping him some banned substances in 2005, only to make the foolish mistake of giving him a second chance, but this week they finally succeeded in getting rid of him by failing to meet his contractual demands.
"I would like to say thank you to Middlesbrough Football Club and to the chairman Steve Gibson, who is a great person, enthusiastic and someone who wants to take the club forward," said Xavier, reading from a script prepared by the club as Gareth Southgate pinned him down and held a pair of scissors to his head.
"Gareth has my respect as a person and as a coach", continued the defender, as Southgate began swiping at his bleach blonde bonce, "Gareth Southgate is the correct person to take the club forward because he has respect as a person and as a coach".
"I would like to say thanks also to the players because they are the most important thing in football and when you realise we spend a lot of time together, we are a family".
Awww, how sweet.
"At first I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. But without beer, prohibition doesn't work"
Bolo Zenden has told mfc.co.uk about his time at the Boro, and how he'll never forget his time on Teesside.
"I can honestly say that winning the Carling Cup against Bolton was a unique experience for me" said Zenden, as though every other Boro player and fan won a major domestic cup every week.
"It also stands out as a very memorable day. I'll never forget arriving at the Millennium Stadium and all we could see were Middlesbrough supporters dressed in red and white" he added, though he was booed every time he said a word by a group of small minded minority of fools, who fail to grasp why a Dutch International, who could play in the Champions League final next week, would leave Middlesbrough for Liverpool.
"Looking back, Steve McClaren made sure we were perfectly organised and we went there with tremendous self belief". But having seen England's recent performances in the Euro 2008 qualifiers, Anti News thinks Zenden is taking the piss.
"There are absolutely no negative vibes on my part as far as Boro are concerned, just a positive vibe. I would go to training with a smile on my face and leave with a smile on my face. That will stay with me forever" he finished.
Considering he didn't have to say these things, Anti News thinks Zenden is a stand up guy, and wish him luck in the rest of career. With his contract set to expire in the summer, he would have been an ideal transfer target (it's not like we've never had players back after they have left before, is it?) but Anti News fears that the losers who booed him on his return to the Riverside might have convinced Bolo never to return.
Which frankly, is a real pity.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, what you're seeing is a total disregard for what St Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property, are these the things we think of, when we think of the Irish?"
George Boateng has rejected talk of a summer move away from the club, with Birmingham reportedly being his destination.
"I met Steve Bruce two seasons ago on holiday. We had a little chat - not about football," said Boateng unconvincingly as Anti News imagined the pair discussing politics, the weather, and what they spend their £30,000 per week pay cheques on.
"Being here is not easy - it is hard and stressful sometimes, but people look only at the good things when you drive a nice car or whatever", though Anti News reckons if Boateng spent less time shouting at his younger team mates and more time practicing passing the ball to a red shirt stood five yards away, the headaches and sleepless nights would soon go away.
"Yes, people say I have earned what I have done. I have worked extremely hard, but I appreciate the people, the support from the chairman, the chief executive, the new manager, the previous manager, the staff and not to forget, especially the fans" he added, sounding very, very, very much like departing Abel Xavier as he did so.
Anti News doesn't know if Boateng will be here next year, but we do know that if the same Boateng turns up for next season that turned up for this, Gareth Southgate may have to start listening to the Steve Bruce shaped voice in his head.
"Pet Shop ey? Well I just have one question. What kind of Pet Shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1am?"
Boro recorded an, erm, well, how to put this. pleasantly surprising 1-0 win at Wigan to send the team with the best pies in the country spiralling towards the Championship, whilst sneakily moving themselves ahead of Newcastle.
Mark Viduka scored the only goal in the 29th minute when he crept in at the back post following a cleverly rehearsed set piece, which involved 'England's own' Stewart Downing majestically lifting the ball into the box with both feet, whilst making the whole thing look like an accident. SkySports headline, "Duke Fluke Downs Latics", simply couldn't be further from the truth.
"I would understand Wigan may have some questions about the goal but I think we've had a fair few decisions go against us this year" said Southgate, presumably in reference to decisions such as signing Jason Euell, playing Lee Cattermole on the right of midfield, and the F.A. choosing to appoint partially sighted referees every time there is a game against Manchester United.
"We knew we needed a result here, as has been proven with results elsewhere, so the win was crucial. We knew other results could go against us so we had to take things into our hands and it's important we did that" though he stopped short of calling Rafa Benitez a disgrace for fielding a team of reserves against Fulham.
Southgate then explained for the 86,489th time that he wants to keep Mark Viduka beyond the end of his contract, which, in case you've been living in a cave for the last six months, with your eyes shut and your fingers in your ears, is set to expire at the end of the season.
"He knows how much I want him to stay. He has been fantastic for us this season", Southgate said, again. "He is a player other teams fear and a player our boys look to as a talisman"
"We would not have survived in this league without him. I should lock him in a box really", though Anti News reckons Southgate should leave Viduka on the pitch, put Jason Euell in the box, and send him back to wherever it was he came from.
And with that.
BACK TO ANTI NEWS INDEX
TOBY HIGGINS' ROCKLIFFE FILES COLUMNS CAN BE FOUND HERE
|
|
|
|
