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THE ROCKLIFFE FILES - IT'S JUST NOT CRICKET 7-11-06
Toby Higgins
So Freddy, KP and Marcus Stresscothick have arrived down under with the rest of the England players and of course, the barmy army, to begin their defence of the Ashes.
I'll give you all a second to think back to Monday 12th September 2005, the day Pietersen (158) and Ashley Giles of all people (59) did enough to ensure that the trophy came back to England for the first time since 1987, making it the first time England had held the Ashes in my lifetime. Arrrr.
OK, times up. Back to reality. England will probably leave the Ashes behind them when the come home next January.
But fear not. This nation is on the brink of uncovering the latest in a long line of wonderful sporting events, which, if it goes international (which I predict it will within six months), will almost undeniably see England produce another set of world champions. The name of this game is 'coin throwing', though it's only a working title. Then again, 'coin tossing' would work better.
The rules are simple. You go to a major sporting event (or Fulham v Everton if there isn't one on) armed with as many coins as your pockets can hold. Then, whenever a player approaches, ideally for a throw in or corner, 'toss' a coin as hard as you possibly can at him/her. A direct hit scores ten points, though if the coin hits an object on the way to hitting the player, such as a referee, a corner flag, another player etc, scores are halved.
The top scores are reserved for shots to the head (double points) and more specifically, the eyes (triple points). Bonus points are given for the type of wound created, with maximum bonus given if blood is drawn. Games are played not over ninety minutes, but over an entire weekend, starting Saturday 00:00am and ending Sunday 23:59pm. The winner is the one who gains the most points in the game-weekend.
The reason I believe this is a sport which is going to take the nation by storm is because players, or 'tossers' as they are better known, are already taking it upon themselves to get out there and start playing right away. In fact, these 'tossers' must have been practising; they never seem to miss.
For example, two 'tossers' made the headlines this weekend when they aimed coins at both Fulham's Claus Jensen and Arsenal striker and Brad Jones' long lost twin, Robin Van Persie. Indeed, these two 'tossers' should be really proud of themselves. 'Coin tossing' does have many problems associated with it, including the fact that players are low life scum, it's a disgusting act of cowardice, and it costs the 'tossers' a fortune, and the logistics of the game are yet to be finalised. As well as the fact that it's just not Cricket.
Speaking of Van Persie and Arsenal.
.anyone who watched that game on Sunday (anyone who hasn't been crying under their bed covers since Boro's game on Saturday won't have been able to not hear about it - I'm getting to that) will have seen something quite remarkable. Alan Pardew achieved what Sir Alex of Ferguson has been trying to do for the last ten years; he finally got a reaction out of Arsene Wenger.
While the events at Upton Park were probably a tad childish, the pictures told the story of a thousand words. Right there, on that field, were two sides who both played in major cup finals last year, who have passionate fans, and have who struggled in front of goal this term. It would be so easy to slip the name Middlesbrough into each of those categories.
While West Ham and Arsenal both tick boxes that we don't, should we want to try and draw and detailed comparison between the clubs, they both possess the one thing Boro fans want, nay, expect, the most, and it was all written all over Sunday's game.
Passion.
The reaction of Wenger and the celebrations of the West Ham players and staff to the goal, as well as the disappointment written on William Gallas' face and the frustration shown by Cesc Fabregas upon the full time whistle show that here are two sets on players who don't like losing, and won't accept being second.
What annoys us the most is that it's the least a player should give on that pitch is his all; he should want every ball more than his opponent, he should work hard for his team mates and his manager, and he should be happy finishing second. We are talking about handsomely played professionals, who are supposed to care.
It's becoming clear that drive, the will to win and play well, as well as the passion to run out wearing the red shirt of Middlesbrough Football Club is just non-existent. And we simply shouldn't stand for it.
As has been very well stated (but because I've yet to say it, it might as well have not been), we have now lost to all three promoted teams and given them their first league wins of the season in the process. No doubt about it, Reading was a bad game to lose, especially from 2-0 up, and against Sheffield United we should have been able to hang on, but Watford is by far the worst of the three.
No passion, no fight, no creativity, put simply (though not grammatically correctly); no nothing. We were rolled over and tickled by a group of Championship level footballers whose ambitions stretch as far as Premiership survival. For fucks sake, we were in the UEFA Cup final five months ago and here we are going to Vicarage Road expecting to lose. It's not good enough.
Tactics are frankly irrelevant. We could play 4-4-2, 4-2-2, 5-3-2, or even invent an entirely new one, but it won't make a shred of difference. While Southgate can't get his players, (almost the exact same set of players who played in Eindhoven last year) to play for him, or this club, we have a problem so great it WILL see the end of our Premiership status. Something must change. What it is, and the difference it makes, will determine whether we are going to places like Old Trafford and Anfield, or the Stadium of Light or Elland Road. Or St James Park, for that matter.
Our next five games are West Ham, Liverpool (both home), Villa (away), Manchester United (home) and Spurs (away). You decide how many points we are going to get from the fifteen available. I reckon four, at best, and playing as we are at the moment, I think zero could be more realistic.
This is Southgate's moment to prove that he can do it, and that he is the man to turn this club around. It's the managers responsibility to get the players focused, prepared and winning, and if they are not doing these things, it's the manager who faces the consequences. At this moment in time, I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who wouldn't mind all that much if the F.A. this week decides Southgate can't carry on as manager.
Maybe, just maybe, including a certain Mr Gibson.
Same time next week.
Up the Boro
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