GUIDE TO HAMSTRING INJURIES 28-4-05

So, our Aussie front man continues to be plagued by a hamstring injury, which means that his leg can only work as a means of propulsion for twelve minutes every three months.

So what the fuck is a hamstring, why do footballers knack them constantly and how do you treat them? Hopefully by the time you've read this, you can impress people in pubs with your insider knowledge and rumours you heard off a physio who knows one of the team physios at Rockcliffe, who as far as I can tell must have trained at the School of Hard Knocks, or something...

Hamstring- from the old English Hamm meaning thigh - (Ironically it was the theft of Hamm that mostly populated Mark's country of origin) - and string meaning string.

This is actually a group of three muscles. Your biceps femoris, semimembranosus and semitendonosis, the latter being the only one that is even vaguely stringy, but there you go.

They go from your pelvis to the top of your tibia and fibula and when you contract them they straighten the hip and flex the knee, thus enabling you to kick your own arse. Unless of course you are Mickel Beck who gets it, best of five if someone holds his arse still for him.

A hamstring injury is classically a sprinter's injury, which is why that lazy cunt Job has never had one. One can only assume a two-for-one deal at Newbould's was in place on the day that Mark hurt his.

The mechanism of the injury is usually referred to as eccentric contraction, which is when one group of muscles pull a joint one way and another group in the opposite direction. The result is that one eventually has to give. This is usually by the opposing muscle group, so in this case the quadriceps muscle.

If you were to do this using your pecs, deltoids and biceps instead, this would be referred to in medical terms as stupid. As a result of this you get tears in the muscle which cause bruising, pain and reduced function.

Like most things in medicine hamstring tears are graded, so if you're out to impress, suck hard on your fag, look ever so thoughtful and say "It's probably a grade II that, mebbe's a mild III but I reckon the fanny's milking it", which at the end of the day is all that doctors do.

Big fancy grading system:

Grade I ruptures are mild, so real people would just get on with it. Avoid confrontation so you don't have to toe someone in the nuts, maybe have half a paracetamol if you're a girl.

Professional footballers will require two weeks in Mauritius having it rubbed with tea tree oil or some similar kind of shite.

Grade II's are worse than I's not as bad as III's. Yes folks, orthopaedic surgery is that complex and I'll tell you something else for free. Brain surgery ain't fucking rocket science either.

Normal people would react in this way. "If I give you the cash could you get this round in? I've knacked me leg". Professional footballer- "I've knacked me leg, keep giving me cash and I'll become round."

Grade III means you are shafted, muscle ruptured, bits flapping in the breeze, if you get the general idea.

I think I got a grade III at a mate's wedding once. Twelve pints, Bad Manners, Can-Can, dropped into the splits. But like I'm from Boro so you know, it nipped a bit. Still walked home, stuck a bag of peas on it and it was fine in a week.

Professional footballer- fair chance of a testimonial to be honest.

Treatment- Mainly physiotherapy, exercises and that. Unfortunately as can be seen from the diagrams, they all tend to make you look like a bender. Which if you're a big strapping Australian may lead to piss poor compliance.

So there you have it, Viduka isn't getting better because he doesn't want to look like a puff. Ironic really.

     

     

Vits is a proper Doctor and definitely has a white coat somewhere.