MIDDLESBROUGH v CHELSEA TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
After narrowly missing out to Champions elect Reading F.C, Boro take on relegation fodder and EPL whipping boys Chelsea in a vain attempt not to use any clichés about Russian money. Ladies and Gentleman, Boys & Girls, please welcome Middlesbrough FC and Ch£lski. Ding Ding! Round one!
Mark Schwarzer v Carlo Cudicini
Two mistake prone keepers go head to head this week, but they will probably flap and miss. Here is hoping Cech and Cudicini get injured making toast this morning, so Boro fans will be treated to the sight of Chelsea no.3, Hilario. It is, to be honest, our only chance.
Skippy 8pts - Cudicini 7 pts
Stuart Parnaby v Paulo Ferreira
Parnaby might well start on the right with Arca out, a role he switched to at Reading. This will be good news for at least half the Boro fans as they will get the chance to abuse him up close instead of shouting across the pitch. One positive here is that Ferreira has never scored during his professional career. So that's 0-10 Chelsea then.
Parnaby - 5pts - Ferreira 8pts
Chris Riggott v John Terry
Riggott should take a long hard look down the pitch to see how to head the ball, command the area and rally the troops JT style. Other than that, he could always hide Terry's boots, call him names and stick his tongue out at the England captain. That should do it. "Ner-Ner, you are rubbish you are."
Riggot 8 pts - John Terry 10pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Ricardo Carvalho
Remarkably, Pogo didn't look at fault for any of the three goals at Reading. But then, neither did Carvalho. But I predict that Pogo gets a spring in his step this week, clatters Shevchenko in the first minute, wins round the fans and goes on to be man of the match. Mr Gareth faints, leaving a nose-size dent pitch side. Maybe.
Pogo 8pts - Carvalho 8pts
Andrew Davies v Wayne Bridge
Davies looked great in defence on Saturday, before starting the pile-on in the six-yard box, which Leeroy Lita unsportingly failed to join in, preferring to stick the ball in the net. The way Davies distracted the Reading attack by having a bloody terrible haircut was genius. Wayne Bridge is first choice at Chelsea. Until next week.
Davies 8pts - Bridge 6pts
Stewart Downing v Arjen Robben
One of the most gifted, genuinely exciting players to have graced the premiership looks in fine form this season. And Arjen Robben will be playing too. Downing wins this battle of the wingers by playing right back till the last minute of the game.
Downing 9 pts - Robben 8pts
George Boateng v Michael Essien
George will have his work cut out versus Michael 'The Bison' Essien. He may also need to have Essien's studs cut out of his shin. This is where the match will be won or lost. Or drawn. Or cancelled because Chelsea refuse to come out of the dressing room over allegations of ball tampering. 3 pts Boro! Easy, Easy!
George 9pts - The Bison 9pts
Fabio Rochemback v Frank Lampard
The big worry today is that Lampard only ever scores when the ball is deflected in. As we spent sxity-five minutes on our backsides on Saturday, there is a good chance that one will fly in off someone's arse. It is a pity that Rocky can't deflect one in off a passing seagull, plane or in off the Transporter Bridge.
Rocky 7pts - Frank Lampard 10pts
James Morrison v Shaun Wright Phillips
In a move of unprecedented tactical genius, Colin Cooper will kidnap SWP before the game and put him in a red shirt with the words Morrison on the back. Young James gets a blue shirt and steps out for Chelsea. No-one notices till half time by which at that point Boro are four goals to the good. Coops 'fesses up at half time and Chelsea go onto win 4-5.
Morrison 6pts - SWP 8pts
Yakuba v Andriy Shevchenko
Whilst on paper this one is hard to call, unfortunately, football is played on grass. The only hope here is that the grass is situated in the Riverside, the river being the Tees, on Teesside. I hope it is pissing it down, freezing and windy. That way Sheva might bottle it, and the Yak will get to wear his goal scoring, er, gloves.
Yak 8pts - Sheva 8pts
Mark Viduka v Didier Drogba
The Duke should have been credited with an equalising goal on Saturday, a rare tap-in that was narrowly deemed offside. On the other hand he should have buried another chance but softly prodded it into the goalkeeper's hands. Drogba will do his usual act, moan and whinge before scuffing one in during the last ten minutes. Mr Gareth promises the Duke a burger and a beer from Wetherspoon's if he scores. He promptly bags a hat-trick.
Vids 9pts - Drogba 8pts
Summary
Boro 85pts - Chelsea 90pts
Rumours that Robert Huth will sign today are rubbished as he doesn't travel with Chelsea, citing his passport was out of date, his dog ate his boots and that Middlesbrough is a town full of smoking chimneys.
This performance will shake off the doom mongering that is already starting to swell. However, Chelsea are just too strong in every department, especially Haberdashery. Binns has got nothing on Harrods.
It will be closer than expected but Mr Gareth will have to wait for his first three points as Chelsea nick it 2-1 in the closing stages.
There is a good chance that Ballack will play at La Riv, which may go in Boro's favour, with probably SWP or Robben reduced to a substitute's role. If we can keep them in the middle then there is a chance, albeit a very, very, very small chance of winning. We probably need Clatters back here as well, and Dave Doriva, and a younger Ray Parlour. It would help greatly if the referee lets us play with fifteen players, including Beckenbaur, Cruyff and Stuart Boam. With John Hendrie on the sub's bench.
I stuck with Parnaby, mainly for comedy value, but I do hope he can start getting back some form back. And I don't mean his P45.
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